Less maintenance or less contact?

[Losethe50]

Have 1 DC with ExH, this my only DC.

ExH pays £150 per month CM, which works out at about 10% of his actual income – CMS calculator says he should pay around £200 a month so he is underpaying but I’ve never managed to get more out of him and everytime CMS try he just changes jobs so the process starts again and then he changes jobs again just as they’re about to get the money.

ExH lives in one place but has DC for contact EOWend for 1 night in another house, this house is where DCs room is etc. but DC doesn’t have exclusive use of it. DC however never complains and loves having contact.

I know ExH has to pay for the use of this place as well as pay for his own house.

He’s asked to reduce the maintenance by 50% so that he can continue seeing DC EOWend. He never pays any extra, if I ask for help with school trips or uniforms or anything I get told that’s what the maintenance is for so I stopped asking.

Part of me thinks I should accept the reduction because I rely on that weekend to catch up with work and to see friends and to relax. I can technically afford it as the maintenance makes up less than 5% of my total income, I use it for DCs extra-curricular activities and I can afford these without it.

But then I think it’s the principle, ExH should be contributing even if that is just to DCs activities.

Then I feel conflicted again because if he stops seeing DC I’ll feel like it’s my fault, he has nothing to do with DC outside of his contact time, never goes to parents evenings or sports days or school concerts etc. So then do I just suck up losing 50% of it for the sake of him having some contact with DC?

For added context ExH cannot have contact at my house due to the reasons for the split.

Voting

YABU - Expect him to still give the full £150 and see if he stops contact
YANBU - Take the reduction for the sake of DC still seeing him

That's really hard - I don't have a useful suggestion but I'm bumping for you 💐

Why can’t he just have him where he lives, not pay the extra to have DC sleep elsewhere and keep your money the same?

Don’t let him control you like that. It is up to him to make contact happen, not you. If it stops it is on him, not you.

Really tough situation, I personally would try maintain £150 maintenance. Could you let DC see grandparents some weekends or sleepover with friends for a break? It's his father's responsibility to get his life together

Stop overnight contact and he can see him in the day

No I wouldn't agree. He is just emotionally blackmailing you. And keep on at CSA.

Why does he need a separate house to see his child?

£150 and 1 night every other weekend is already the bare minimum surly. I personally wouldn't accept a lower payment. It's his child and he needs to step up and provide for them! I wouldn't be emotionally blackmailed into accepting less.

Oh, and you have no reason to feel guilty.. HE is already letting his child down and he wants to do even less. that's is in no way on you! and this reaction is exactly what he wants, he manipulating you to get out of his responsibilities!

What do you think would happen if you called his bluff over it and said you needed the money and it was up to him whether he sees his child? Would be just drop seeing them? Or would be relent and pay up? Is he genuinely struggling with the costs of living and seeing DC? Does sound like he's on a low income if £150 is 10% of his monthly pay, though depends what his housing costs are and the costs of this extra place he rents to see the child. If he's genuinely unable to afford to see the child and pay maintenance, and you can cope without it, then I think the right thing to do it clearly to let him pay less. But if he could afford it, you could try calling his bluff.

He’s trying it on.

There are different ways to maintain contact so just suggest a few.

Don’t let him manipulate you like this or you’ll soon be down to zero. He’s already underpaying remember.

I would say no. If he can’t support the child, he isn’t really a father. You don’t want to get to a point where he starts asking for money so he can see his son.

I find that a rather depressing take on what makes a man a father tbh. Is that really all you see a father as for? Some men are ill, disabled, struggle to hold a job down, become a student to have a career change, etc, etc. They still have much to offer as fathers. My ex never earned much and never paid much (often below CMA amounts because his rent was high) I could afford it so said it was ok. Costs fell 95% on me, but DC both have a great relationship with their dad. I'm glad I didn't deny them that.

I don't understand why he is paying out for this 2nd 'visitation' accomodation. Is it closer to you. Assuming you were together at one time, who moved away? Why wouldnt your child be welcome/secure in his permanent home?

I do feel that way. If a father won’t (not can’t) support their kids, then they can aren’t really a parent. I have a few friends whose exs will only work cash jobs to avoid paying for their kids.

@AoneslicesandwichisonlyahalfsandwichNo room where he lives, DC doesn't have a bed at his and theres no room for one, not going into his circumstances but I wouldn't let him take DC back to his house anyway so it's his relatives or no contact.

@Fireyflies I genuienely think he'd stop seeing DC.

I have no other help at all, my own family won't help me so I rely on wraparound care for school and flexible working allowing me to catch up at weekends DC is with their dad as I have no spare room to wfh so go into the office to catch up.

@JudgeRudy He moved out of where we lived together, and then I moved again to be closer to my own work. We live about 15 miles apart but his relative is in this town. But there's no space at where he lives, and due to his own circumstances I wouldn't let him take DC back to his anyway so it's the relatives house or no contact.

Your original quote was "can't" support his kids, not "won't"

He isn’t much of a father then is he. He essentially wants you to give him £75 or he won’t see his child. I would say no, he is already doing less than the minimum.

He sees him every other weekend (4 days a month/13% of the time) yet should be responsible for him 15 days/50% as one of two parents. So he's falling 37% short of parenting every single month. Work that out in childcare costs including overnight 'care' if he had to pay for it. You're already being shortchanged massively.
Tell him to jog on.

Sorry that’s not what I meant. There are many reasons why someone couldn’t. Just when they refuse.

For me it's the fact that he deliberately underpays and also deliberately changes jobs to avoid paying. It's irrelevant that you don't "need" the money as such. I would refuse. He needs to sort himself out.

Your child sounds fairly young? At some point your child may not want to go and stay at a relatives to see their dad.

He is not doing you a favour by paying for his own child ?! Wtf. He should pay and have contact like other fathers do. He is trying to blackmail you into dropping the payments, seriously do not do this. If he stops contact that is his issue, contact and payments are not linked !

contact and maintenance should generally be independent of one another, as both are for the benefit of the child, neither should be used for scoring points in a disagreement between the ex partners. this feels like the other side of the coin from the (much more common) "shall I stop access because he hasn't paid maintenance for months" (answer=no).

he's clearly a shitty dad. that's a shame but it can't be changed.

I think you should hold the line on maintenance. he is already contributing a lot less than he should to the needs of his own child, that's already not ok. he wants to reduce that still further and be even shittier to his own child. you can't control his actions but you don't need to condone his shittiness by saying it's ok. it isn't.

You can't make him take the child EOW. if he decides to stop then obviously that's exceptionally shitty but so long as you are continuing to make the child available for these visits, and aren't obstructing them, that's your part done. if your ex needs a financial incentive to keep up this minimal contact with his child that says a lot about him, none of it good.

Hell it reminds me of my friend's ex. He refused to have their 2 dc unless he took them some food to his from her freezer. Depressing...
Keep the maintenance op. Ds is in for a reality check in time anyway.. What a twat.