Less maintenance or less contact?

[Losethe50]

Have 1 DC with ExH, this my only DC.

ExH pays £150 per month CM, which works out at about 10% of his actual income – CMS calculator says he should pay around £200 a month so he is underpaying but I’ve never managed to get more out of him and everytime CMS try he just changes jobs so the process starts again and then he changes jobs again just as they’re about to get the money.

ExH lives in one place but has DC for contact EOWend for 1 night in another house, this house is where DCs room is etc. but DC doesn’t have exclusive use of it. DC however never complains and loves having contact.

I know ExH has to pay for the use of this place as well as pay for his own house.

He’s asked to reduce the maintenance by 50% so that he can continue seeing DC EOWend. He never pays any extra, if I ask for help with school trips or uniforms or anything I get told that’s what the maintenance is for so I stopped asking.

Part of me thinks I should accept the reduction because I rely on that weekend to catch up with work and to see friends and to relax. I can technically afford it as the maintenance makes up less than 5% of my total income, I use it for DCs extra-curricular activities and I can afford these without it.

But then I think it’s the principle, ExH should be contributing even if that is just to DCs activities.

Then I feel conflicted again because if he stops seeing DC I’ll feel like it’s my fault, he has nothing to do with DC outside of his contact time, never goes to parents evenings or sports days or school concerts etc. So then do I just suck up losing 50% of it for the sake of him having some contact with DC?

For added context ExH cannot have contact at my house due to the reasons for the split.

Voting

YABU - Expect him to still give the full £150 and see if he stops contact
YANBU - Take the reduction for the sake of DC still seeing him

I’m going to go against the grain here (and no doubt be flamed) but if I were you I’d try and look at it solely from your DC’s point of view.

It sounds like they love their Dad and enjoy spending the limited time they have together.

I have absolutely no doubt they benefit from the many extra opportunities you give them and it sounds like that due to your hard work those opportunities wouldn’t have to stop.

For the sake of your child I would accept the lower maintenance.

I do agree it’s unfair that financially (and let’s face it practically and emotionally) it’s all on you , I do agree that he shouldn’t get away with not supporting his own child and I do agree that he leaves a lot to be desired in the parenting department . BUT despite all this your DC has the right to know and spend time with their Dad.

They may well grow up and decide not to have contact with him but they will always know that you did your best and prioritised them (your DC) over everything.

You sound like a wonderful mother and I wish you well.

He is already letting his kid down by not paying the full, pitiful, cms amount.

I would bet my house that even if you drop the cm amount contact starts to reduce anyway. Keep it at £150.

My ex demanded 50/50 residence of dc and declared that he needed to keep the house so that his mum could move in on his weeks with them. He currently sees them twice a year if they're lucky. Keep the £150.

@usererror99 DC is 8 almost 9

I think I agree with this. Keep it going a bit longer, DC will soon be a teenager and things will change.

He's already underpaying maintenance. In my opinion he's manipulating you. Take a reduction or I won't see DS. If you let him reduce his payments I'm sure there will be the next thing. Ultimately, its his choice to not see his son. He is choosing and you can't be responsible for his choices.

Agree. Yes the dad is rubbish but the child enjoys and benefits from time with his father and OP values her time off. That’s ‘worth’ more than £75 a weekend.

You already take a reduction technically. Who wants to fiddle their own child out of living expenses? What a peach.

Well he’s awful, OP, but it sounds like you need the time more than the money.

This. I think if you say yes it won't end and he'll eventually find some excuse to drop out of DCs life anyway, probably after getting you to agree to zero maintenance. If he wanted to be in his child's life he wouldn't be threatening to do this. From my experience I'd say a clean break when he's younger would be less damaging then letting things limp on for years. You could counter by telling him zero nights means CM goes up. I know he wouldn't pay it anyway, but that might give him pause.

You don't get to set rules on where your ex has contact with DC, only family court can do that. Unless he literally lives in a closet then surely there's room for an airbed so he can give up his own bed for DC? My ex lives in a 2 bed flat share and still has my 3 kids there overnight. It's not ideal and I don't like it, but I can't legally stop contact because of it.

And seems a bit odd that ex's relative is charging them rent for staying over 2 nights a month. Is this DC's grandparent or a more distant relative?

For 10% of his income to be £150 he must be close to, or on, min wage. Bear in mind that that's about to go up quite a bit in a couple of weeks.

I'd be inclined to tell him that it's not your problem, that he's already under paying, and that if he can't have DC overnight then he'll have to bring them back to yours at night and pick hthem up again first thing next morning. That might increase his maintenance obligation too? I expect he'll magically find a way to maintain the overnight contact.

@altmember He won't pay me more than £150 even if his wage goes up, it should be £200 a month and CMS have never managed to get it out of him, he just switches jobs.

It's not just about room at his house, he will not take DC back to his house anyway but he'd be even less likely to if having to give up his own bed. He lives in a tiny 1 bed place and has a flatmate who has use of the bedroom (I've been in, theres a room in the living room where ExH sleeps). It's his sister he stays with whose got 2 DC of her own hence why DC doesn't have exclusive use of the room (I'm not even 100% sure DC has their own bed)

His sister is charging him to have her nephew stay over? Charming family. Personally I would be glad he was exiting my child's life, and be looking for new and better people to fill it with. Keep filing for CMS every month, he'll get sick of changing jobs.

Honestly, what kind of father is he really. If he was a good father he would put his child’s needs first. He would be trying to see child as much and possible and would pay to make sure his child has everything he needs. This man may as well ask OP to pay him to see child. What kind of parent/child relationship is that? Doesn’t sound healthy using the child as a pawn like this. Long term what does the child get from a relationship with a father like this except a crushing realisation that that the child isn’t a priority to their dad (let’s face it this kind of behaviour is never a once off. A selfish git is always a selfish git).
OP it’s a difficult situation for you and if you need to work during that time I completely understand why you would consider going along with this.

Is his desire for contact with his child so limited he'd forego it altogether to save himself a few pound a week? If so, then this is a much bigger issue than the principle. A loving dependable parent wouldn't use their contact as a financial bargaining chip, it would be far too precious. Personally I'd call his bluff as he must be pretty lack lustre about the contact anyway, and could withdraw it at any time or make increasing demands on you in order for him to continue. You might as well start preparing yourself and DS now.

Hi everyone,

I am going to accept half the maintenance.

After crunching the figures and talking to my Line Manager, I would lose a lot more than £75 a month if I was no longer able to work EO Saturday when DC is at ExHs, so it's a trade off. I will make cuts in other areas to be able to afford this - DC will still do their clubs, I'll just cut down to 2 hair cuts a year (from 3, they're £40 a time) and switch to a cheaper mobile contract and also try and decrease my broadband package price to.

Not right, and I'm angry it's come to this, but I also need my job and career as much for DCs sake more than I need the extra £75. And I also won't be the reason ExH stops seeing DC, them having a relationship with their dad is worth far more than £75.

I accept that I will be shouted down and told I'm wrong by many people. But thats the trade off for DCs happiness.

You’re doing what’s right for you and your child; don’t see why anyone would shout you down for that.

And I also won't be the reason ExH stops seeing DC, them having a relationship with their dad is worth far more than £75.

I totally understand your reasoning for making this decision. It’s your decision to make and it works for you and your DC. However, you would not be reason for reducing contact had that happened. You facilitate contact and make DC available that is where your responsibility ends. It’s up to you Ex to step up from there. I think it’s likely this will happen again in future so perhaps start looking at ways to reduce your need to work EOW because then next time you can call his bluff. Your DC needs a father who is committed to them fully and not just if it suits them.

I think you're doing the right thing. You might also want to suggest that the two of you review it in a year's time to check you don't get stuck permanently with an amount that's very low if your ex does manage to earn more in future.

I am not going to shout at you as it's your decision but imo he has you over a barrel and he knows it. He would have made the decision to cut contact not you.
What happens when he stops it completely?
I know children aren't pay per view but it's shameful what he is doing and I just feel sorry for you (and your child) that you feel you have no choice.