To feel a bit resentful of sister

[Kay286]

My parents are comfortably well off not rolling in it but not struggling. Enough to enjoy a very good lifestyle.
There is me and one sibling.
She has not done so well in life partly as has made poor life choices and partly due to mh issues - my mum ALWAYS bails her out financially, pays for holidays , meals out car repairs etc.
Financially I’m significantly better off than her and don’t need support.
My sister has a 4 year old kid and I have a 10 year old son.
To be clear my parents have treated us in the past with holidays meals out too so not tight.

However when they visit us my mum hard balls my what I will pay for towards them visiting, ! (We live far away to there is significant cost to visit and we don’t sit in we always plan nice things) and also brings my niece along and my mum is paying for them every time .
My parents gifted them 30k equity from a house and when my mum has spoken about her will she has said leaving this amount to my niece etc as she will need it as sister is basically useless. (No mention of my kid) just me sister and niece .

I understand it’s their money to do as they please but I can’t help really a bit resentful that because I have done well for myself I always being asked to cough up money whilst my sister has it thrown at her. I think the bit which hurts the most is putting money aside for my
niece but no mention of my kid because they won’t need it the same.
Also when visiting us how much will I pay for this and that but knowing my mum is paying for niece (she is closer to them as live much closer aswell) it not because they can’t afford either but I feel like as they no I can afford it also like to squeeze me !
When visiting it’s always scheduled around when niece can come along too during school holidays and always don’t want them to miss out - sometimes that’s hard as it’s like can’t you just prioritise seeing your grandchild that you don’t get to see every week ?!! They take niece on multiple holidays alone every year aswell.

unsure if I’m being bitter about someone living off benefits that I have a much better life than - but I’m almost made to feel less important

You're not less important but you are less needy. Your mum is cutting out your sister and ensuring her legacy goes straight to your niece. Your share of her legacy is yours to share with your son. Be grateful you don't live your sisters life.

It sounds as if they’ve taken on a more parental role for DN than is usual due to her mother’s issues. It must sting to see her being favoured but the reason for this is clear: she’s in a much worse position than your DS.

Have you actually spoken with them about any of this? When my DP discussed leaving their money to the siblings most in need I refused to be executor of their will because I knew that this inequality would cause real emotional distress to the siblings who were excluded despite them not needing the money.

You need to be open with them about all of this but since they have clearly decided that your sister will always be a child in their eyes it probably won’t help. It’s very possible that position is uncomfortable for your sister too. They may well know more about her affairs than is usual and most likely be offering unwanted advice and conditions.

So overall YANBU but be careful what you wish for.

It’s not cutting out my sister it’s 3 ways. It’s not even the financial bit which hurts it’s the total disregard for my child that they are completely irrelevant.

I don’t understand why you didn’t ask what about ds?

is the amount earmarked 3 ways equal in the split? You might get more knowing it’ll be spent more wisely?

being bitter won’t help, asking questions to the only people who can answer your questions will.

It’s definitely more of a parental role, they have her at least 3/4 times per week. DN dad (separated from sister) is really good and works hard to provide and has dn when my parents don’t. takes her on holiday also. Sister barely has her.
I love niece very much but yes it does sting that because I can take care of my child myself they are less “cared about” especially when dn does actually have a great father.
Also feel annoyed when they visit I also have to contribute, but mum always willing to pay for
niece … which really means I am !

Last time I really treated them … then whilst they here sister texting car broken and no money for repairs ….

I did briefly try and mention it didn’t seem fair my child wouldn’t be in Will if niece is and mum brushed it off with oh yours will be fine you’ll have plenty and will also get some of hubbys parents once they go! It’s not really
the actual money that bothers me just the implication they aren’t as bothered 😕 I mean imagine to my how it’s looks .. sorry they didn’t care as much about you. I also really don’t want to fall out with my parents over money.

I’m thinking it’s probably the relationship with my niece and how much they do for her over my child which I’m struggling with… which is ridiculous I suppose !

I did ask briefly … she said mine will be fine as will also inherit of my husbands parents when they go (fairly well off) whereas niece doesn’t have any other grandparents. I didn’t force anything more as I don’t want to fall out over money … it’s more the way it’s makes my feel that I’m bothered by ! I don’t want to feel bitter about how niece is clearly favoured

Honestly this down right unfair

posters can dress this how they like but parents if you are here and reading and you do this then you’ll cause a divide and resentment in your family

Not necessarily, I know much more will be left to 1 of my useless siblings, but I'm perfectly fine. I know with deep certainty and have been lucky to be assured all my life that parents love us all equally. They're just far more worried about this sibling literally becoming homeless etc.

I can understand why OP is resentful though, it's a totally valid feeling, but I just want to respond to your comment that it's not by any means universal.

I can understand why your feelings might be hurt, OP but I don't really think your parents are disregarding your child. On the contrary, they have every faith that you are a responsible parent who is able to support your child both financially and emotionally. Sadly the same can not be said for your sister and your niece is really at a disadvantage here.

Is it "fair"? Probably not, but equity isn't guaranteed in life and as @dittbtdity said, be glad you don't have your sisters life.

You have options, either let it go and make peace with it or go low contact. You won't be able to change your mother's mind. Is it annoying, for me incredibly but I still want a relationship with my mum so accept it.

My mum has done every night wake up since my nephew was born (18 months), she takes care of him 3 days a week and still does the lion share of the actual looking after him even if sister is present. His relationship with my mum is very different to that of my dd2 who was born a week after him and only sees them in the school holidays. I've always been the type to want to do things myself and rarely ask for help whereas my sister is the opposite and thinks her health means she is entitled to the help.

Whenever I've raised it she has said that she loves us all equally but that the input each child needs varies and doesn't have to be the same at all times to be fair. It is hard for her as she is in her 50s and doesn't want to be effectively raising my nephew but my sister and her husband both suffer from anxiety and my sister has a chronic health condition that affects her energy levels. She gets so much more physically drained than I do and whilst I feel for her sometimes I think she plays it up. Even my 5 year old has remarked to his nan that she does the mum and dad jobs for his cousin (this was not prompted by me I would never voice this in front of the kids).

Ultimately it's my mum who enables her and whilst it frustrates my dad to no end they won't let my nephew suffer for it and I wouldn't want him to either.

It's hard op and I can totally appreciate the inheritance thing would be jarring but I'd make peace with it or go low contact if it is easier.

I should have said it's absolutely fine to feel as you do but I wouldn't want my sister's life and I don't think you would want yours either. Your nieve is at a disadvantage compared to your son so I wouldn't begrudge it.

Surely you're DP coming to visit in school holidays benefits your family just as much as your DS and niece? Would you prefer they come when your DC is in school and so doesn't get to enjoy the visit and outings etc?
If it bothers you that much, tell your DP that you'll pay half for outings and they pay half, which will include them and niece. They pay for own travel and accommodation if they're not staying with you. What else are they asking you to pay for on these visits? Or you go visit them maybe?
As for inheritance, surely you're not going to spend rest of your life being bitter and resentful towards a young child for being in a position where her DM can't provide or look after her as much as you can for your DM? Wouldnt you just be grateful and proud that you've carved out a good life for yourself and your son and that he's not going to want for anything? Can't you be grateful tjat your DP are in a position to step forward and provide for your niece and she is well looked after? Would you rather niece is left alone with a mum who has MH problems, is struggling financially, while you, your DC and DP are having wonderful littlw holidays together?Hopefully your parents will live for many years to come and when the grandkids are all grown up, with lives, careers and families of their own, they will be seen as equals and Will might be changed.
Or God forbid, your DP become ill and need care in their old age and every penny of their assets and savings will need to be used for this and you've spent decades fuming about who is going to get their non-existent money.
Enjoy the visits with your parents and niece, more so if you live so far away and only see them sporadically. If you can afford to pay for a day out, do you really begrudge a little girl a fairground ride and a bit of candyfloss?
In the meantime, enjoy your life, keep your own DC happy and comfortable and concentrate on what YOU can provide for him, rather than what others can.

Could you ask your mother to split what she has earmarked for you between your son and yourself?

I do agree the set up is unfair.

@GulfCoastBeachGirl Thank you, this really
does make sense , I need to make peace with it.

We live in a different country , so school terms are different. Therefore they wouldn’t come when my kid is off school just to see them as dn would not be and therefore can’t bring them.
They happily take dn abroad several times without my ds.
Summer they can all come and I’ve been asked to pay for a trans Atlantic flight (mum pays dn) sometimes also car hire and sometimes towards accommodations if we take trips. Not insignificant.
Mostly we go for dinners and split bills they pay dn I pay my ds etc
my dn lives with dad - dp purchased a house rented to him at cost nonprofit and have sold it him with 30k equity so dn has a stable providing parent.
I think if you re-read I’m not grabbing over the money it’s more how it’s makes me feel im struggling with !
of course this is not about a about a bag candy floss day out expense , my ds loves seeing my niece as so I , it’s about the feeling of always coming last

@Sceptre86 why wouldn’t you want mine ? Yes dn is at a disadvantage however does have a stable parent they live with (see above )

my mum hard balls my what I will pay for towards them visiting

What do you mean here?

I wouldn’t be paying for them for things-what exactly are they asking you to pay for?

@Shinyandnew1 towards flights or one whole flight . Or car hire / accommodation if we book a trip somewhere. It’s expensive to visit I get that so they are always asking what I will pay for as they can’t afford to spend loads …. But can always pay for dn (flights costs similar for adults and children as it’s trans Atlantic)

@Kay286 I meant that it doesn't sound like you would want to live your dsis's life.

Now this does feel a bit like they are taking advantage and/or making assumptions about your finances. If you're feeling a bit resentful (and I can see why you would!), you could broach the subject with them.

It's one thing for them to try to fill in some of the financial gaps that your sister isn't capable of providing for, but it's a whole other thing for them to just assume that you'll step in financially as well. Nobody likes being taken for granted.

Id tell my mum that I understand the situation but she needs to leave your child something, it doesn’t have to be equal but needs to be fair. Dn is getting loads now and that’s fine but to get it now and after is not ok

I don't h to ink you're being unreasonable. If they can afford to go on holiday multiple times per year they can at least afford to make one trip to see you as part of that without you having to pay for flights. I think they see themselves as de facto parents for your DN hence the 3 way split. I don't think they want to cut out your sister but equally know she is irresponsible and want your niece to be secure. It's clear it's not the money that's the issue (though it would annoy me) but it's the way it makes you feel and that's perfectly valid.

So, it's a drip feed story then? None of what you said about living abroad or your DN living with her dad was in original post. Surely all this is relevant if you wanted an honest, fair opinion/advice. You made it sound like DN was living in poverty with a DM who was struggling with MH and that's why your DP were taking on responsibility for her.
You never mentioned transatlantic flights either but apologies if we assumed it was a quick trip up the M1 or something. On this point, you just say that you will pay for your own flights and accommodation when you go visit them and they pay for flights and accommodation when they come and see you, any days out and meals are split evenly.
And if we didn't know you lived abroad, we wouldn't have known school holidays were different.
But it still stands, stop worrying bout what they might do with their money years down the land, you're ruining your enjoyment of your own life and any visits you get with your family with all the bitterness.

My sister is the "golden child" and not only has Mum given her half of her business, but I'm fairly convinced that Mum has also done an equity release on her house as my sister suddenly had lots of building work done that she couldn't afford before... Honestly, it really pisses me off but there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. So I choose my battles, maintain a level of contact that doesn't stress me out and I am proud to be in my 50s and not financially dependant on my parent still...

However I would say to your DM that you don't always want your DN around when they visit... I think that's OK to say.

Say no or say you’ll go halves on the whole trips. I’d stop suggesting any expensive trips/meals out when they come and stay and if they suggest it, so no and suggest something more reasonable.