To feel a bit resentful of sister

[Kay286]

My parents are comfortably well off not rolling in it but not struggling. Enough to enjoy a very good lifestyle.
There is me and one sibling.
She has not done so well in life partly as has made poor life choices and partly due to mh issues - my mum ALWAYS bails her out financially, pays for holidays , meals out car repairs etc.
Financially I’m significantly better off than her and don’t need support.
My sister has a 4 year old kid and I have a 10 year old son.
To be clear my parents have treated us in the past with holidays meals out too so not tight.

However when they visit us my mum hard balls my what I will pay for towards them visiting, ! (We live far away to there is significant cost to visit and we don’t sit in we always plan nice things) and also brings my niece along and my mum is paying for them every time .
My parents gifted them 30k equity from a house and when my mum has spoken about her will she has said leaving this amount to my niece etc as she will need it as sister is basically useless. (No mention of my kid) just me sister and niece .

I understand it’s their money to do as they please but I can’t help really a bit resentful that because I have done well for myself I always being asked to cough up money whilst my sister has it thrown at her. I think the bit which hurts the most is putting money aside for my
niece but no mention of my kid because they won’t need it the same.
Also when visiting us how much will I pay for this and that but knowing my mum is paying for niece (she is closer to them as live much closer aswell) it not because they can’t afford either but I feel like as they no I can afford it also like to squeeze me !
When visiting it’s always scheduled around when niece can come along too during school holidays and always don’t want them to miss out - sometimes that’s hard as it’s like can’t you just prioritise seeing your grandchild that you don’t get to see every week ?!! They take niece on multiple holidays alone every year aswell.

unsure if I’m being bitter about someone living off benefits that I have a much better life than - but I’m almost made to feel less important

I think you’ve got 2 separate issues and you need to decide which one to broach first. I would say to parents that you’re sorry but you can’t afford a flight for them as money is tight. Also if they choose a time to come where your ds is in school then I would say sorry that doesn’t work for us as ds is desperate to spend time with you and will be in school.
if you keep paying for everything they’re going to think you’re loaded. The will issue wouldn’t bother me as much but I would see it as a separate issue and broach the expectation on you to pay for things first.

@Bootlass sorry yes I realise it was a bit ! Not intensional I felt I waffling a lot already and just trying to give examples of the things making me feel like this without writing 5 pages ! Agree I just need to get over it and accept it.

YANBU op. Imho, as far as humanly possible, there should always be absolute parity when parents are giving adult DC money and time, regardless of illnesses, mh, different earnings and financial circumstances. Anything else can causes potentially huge ructions between siblings, not least because adult DC equate time and money with love and recognition.

They can spend their money how they please but tell them to butt right out of spending yours.

If you don't feel you can be open about needing them to get their grubby little mitts out of your bank account, might I suggest dropping hints that you are having financial problems or maybe asking them for a handout yourself? I imagine that will stop them mentioning it again as they scramble to avoid giving you a penny.

What a wonderful post. I agree-they’re ensuring niece isn’t left at a strong disadvantage-especially if they are her only grandparents. You are very comfortable and your children have well off grandparents on their father’s side. Why would you begrudge your niece the extra money? Be glad your parents are explaining the rationale behind their decision.

Personally I would start pleading a little bit of poverty myself, especially when it comes to paying for/towards their flights.
Just say cost of living has hit you harder than you expected.
Your parents seem a bit grabby to me. If they can't afford the flight (whilst going on multiple holidays per year with your niece) they can't afford to visit you (get a cheap holiday out of you!!!)

@Hongkongsuey I understand were you’re coming from , I dont really begrudge the money as such but hate the way it’s make my child feel like a second thought.
Also as I’ve explained dn does have a hard working supporting father which provides for them (in a house with 30k equity gifted by dp)
Gets taken on multiple holidays by dp (without us coming obviously)
But to visit us and their other grandkid is all expensive to I have to stump up for one of the flights ( they are still paying for dn though ) or
i am I suppose ! But will not come without her so she doesn’t miss out !
The disparity is just very jarring and i enjoy seeing them so I have to pay towards it , even though they can actually afford!
dn also get taken on holiday by dad ! I think I’ve probably painted her situation worse than what it is !

I think this isn't about money, but love and any future inheritance is love, portioned out. Your parents are seemingly loving your child less than your sister's child.
If you separate it from money and need, when someone close to you dies, all they can leave is money/assets and memories and this WILL unsettle (at the very least) when the inevitable happens.
Might it be that when your parents do die, you might have to be a back up as your niece, OP? Not necessarily as a child, but as a young adult. So this unequal dividing up of love will have implications in family dynamics going forward.
Your parents need to understand this. After this explanation, tell your folks that you need to look after your own and cannot fund any part of their trips to you, just as they feel that they need to do for your sister and her family.

@QueenBee1234 I could but they know it’s probably not true and also it technically benefits me them visiting as I only pay 1 flight but If I fly home it’s all of us ! And I do want to see them.
I just find it annoying I’m expected
to pay something when I know they can afford it and are paying dn flight and multiple holidays for her !

@Badger1970 it’s funny you say that I ac don’t feel she is the golden child . They have a really poor relationship, don’t get on , fall out a lot dont do much together etc , mum 100% prefers spending time with me. I guess it’s the niece who is golden child and probably throws money at my sister to compensate for her mh issues and basically crappy life and thinks money is the only way to support her ?

@Sceptre86 yes sorry I didn’t realise your first message was in 2 parts ! I think the dynamic between relationships seems very similar between our mothers/sisters. I just need to accept it and enjoy my relationship with my mum as we do have a good one. Unfortunately don’t see each other often due to
distance… I guess that may play a small part that I’m like can’t I be prioritised for once with my kid it . But it is what it is. I of course don’t want my niece to suffer but resent paying flights to enable to bring her along of which they can afford anyway !

Why does your mum always bring DN?

why doesn’t she want to spend time with your son, who lives far away, so she doesn’t see him nearly as often? And with the age gap, it’s not like she and your son are going to really have the same interests.

my friends mother is exactly the same. 1 grandchild is the favourite, she prioritises him over my friend and her 2 children. They are all adults now and the favouritism is ridiculous. Obviously my friend and her kids are very hurt and it’s negatively affected their relationships with her

@TrashyPanda I don’t know, I’m guessing she is closer to dn as has helped raise her (and not bonded the same with my ds as moved abroad) basically she obviously does love and favour her more which I guess is really why I feel hurt.