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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ukrainian

46 replies

claudd · 22/03/2023 11:52

My guest is completely incensed that I'm having my sister with her (unmarried) partner to stay over for a short holiday. My sister lives abroad and I only see her on average once every 3 years. It has been difficult to understand why, but it is perhaps a mixture between not being married, just having an unknown man in the house, a bit of racism and the fact that she would have to share the kitchen with them when we the hosts are not there (a day or 2), as we will be at work. It almost got to breaking point, as I was really upset and then it got better when we finally talked about it in depth. They will move out for a bit and come back. Now she's gone back to being standoffish (which she was before we resolved the issue by talking about it). I fear that this will continue and it will be unpleasant to share the house with them. I don't want to ask them to find another host, but if I did, AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
claudd · 22/03/2023 11:53

I have to add she has a young daughter, so that explains up to a point, the fear of an unknown man in the house. She is also very religious, which perhaps doesn't help with them not being married.

OP posts:
Tinythumbelina · 22/03/2023 12:04

Your house, your family, I'd be sending them packing

MelchiorsMistress · 22/03/2023 12:07

The first response nails it.

Your guest has no right to try and dictate who else comes to stay in your home.

LakeTiticaca · 22/03/2023 12:25

She's a CF. she needs to find alternative accommodation pronto.

Newestname002 · 22/03/2023 12:27

Tinythumbelina · 22/03/2023 12:04

Your house, your family, I'd be sending them packing

If your guest is so unhappy about you having other family/guests in YOUR home, where you are kindly hosting her, perhaps she should look for alternative accommodation for the future. 🌹

2bazookas · 22/03/2023 12:27

Be very plain with her.

"You are a guest in my home. My cousin is a guest in my home. All guests are required to treat each other, and me, with courtesy and respect. No exceptions.

Summer is coming; I will be inviting other friends and family to come and stay.

Perhaps it's time for you to start looking for somewhere else to live.

twilightcafe · 22/03/2023 12:37

Time for her to leave your home

Ohhhhladz · 22/03/2023 12:40

Just talk to her. If she's making you uncomfortable and/or if she seems uncomfortable, it's best to get things out in the open.

She may very well be uncomfortable having a strange man in the house with her and her daughter, especially if the hosts will not be there (? sorry, may have misunderstood that part). She may have been through or have friends and family who have been through things that can cause lasting trauma.

But I don't understand why it bothers you that she and her daughter will leave during that time; it seems like a helpful compromise. Are you upset that if she has a place to go for the short-term, she doesn't need to be staying with you kong-term? If so, and the feeling persists despite being kind of illogical, get it (tactfully, of course) out in the open.

I would not asume it's a married-unmarried issue at all, unless she has said so. Civil partnerships are pretty common in Ukraine.

I don't understand the "racism" angle at all.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 22/03/2023 12:46

Tinythumbelina · 22/03/2023 12:04

Your house, your family, I'd be sending them packing

This.

latetothefisting · 22/03/2023 13:12

The "strange man" part is key, it's not as if you are opening up your home to random air bnb guests, he's not a stranger to you, he's (pretty much) a family member - whereas she and her dd were actual strangers but you welcomed them into your home so she is being very hypocritical!

When you say racism is your dsis' partner not white? Because again that's really not acceptable.

I think her leaving for the time they are there is a fair compromise but agree you need to make clear now there very well may be other times when you invite guest to stay in your house and she has no say in the matter - and if that's going to be an issue perhaps she wants to start looking for alternative accommodation.

704703hey · 22/03/2023 13:19

She doesn't sound very nice - yes she can move out for the duration of the visit. Is she on the government refugee scheme?

I'd be tempted to put up photos of sister + partner everywhere, but that's passive aggressive 😁

It's OK to say her opinion, but not to throw a strop about it as it's YOUR house. Long term this may not work.

Original poster
claudd · 22/03/2023 13:42

@Ohhhhladz
It's not bothering me that she's moving out for a while, but the fact she's being standoffish and that she at some point shouted: who is this man? Referring to my sister's boyfriend, who is technically a stranger to me too (I haven't met him in person, as they live abroad).

Also, I'm upset about her calling him with a slur to do with his ethnicity. I told her this was unacceptable and she stopped.

By the way, she has been very nice and affectionate and helpful until now, and I have grown attached to her and her daughter. And that's another reason I'm upset, she changed completely. Now, this makes me think she has other issues going on (obviously, being a refugee). I'm worried about her mental health, but I have to feel comfortable in my own home, otherwise this is not going to work.

OP posts:
sst1234 · 22/03/2023 13:45

This has overtones of the Ukrainian refugee who gave an interview to the paper expressing concerns about the multicultural nature of the neighbourhood she has been housed in. The cheek is astounding. The racism in Ukraine, especially at football matches, was by no means an isolated thing.

LadyKenya · 22/03/2023 13:51

So it was not enough for your guest to be rude about who you have in your home. They had to use racist language to boot. Sad, but not surprising.

Genevieva · 22/03/2023 13:54

The homes for Ukraine scheme was to provide emergency accommodation while they set themselves up. You have done that. They need to find a permanent home elsewhere so that you can have your sister (or any other guests) to stay without feeling you have to seek her approval. Serve her notice. Lodgers have no squatting rights.

cocksstrideintheevening · 22/03/2023 14:21

Tinythumbelina · 22/03/2023 12:04

Your house, your family, I'd be sending them packing

Nailed in the first response

SupplyIsLimited · 22/03/2023 14:32

So she's creating an uncomfortable atmosphere even after things have been resolved? She's not unreasonable to feel somewhat uneasy about sharing living space, day and night, with a man she doesn't know, but it's your home, your sister's partner (not some random man with no-one to vouch for him), and he'll only be there for a short visit, so she should've gritted her teeth and made the best of things.

YWNBU to decide that you're done hosting, if you're no longer happy with the situation.

malmi · 22/03/2023 14:52

I think another robust conversation is in order, so your guest knows where you stand on the matter. From her perspective the whole thing is difficult because presumably she really wants to have not had to leave her home in the first place. Having your unknown (to her) family members visit reinforces to her that this isn't her permanent home and she's not in full control of the comings and goings of her life. You need to show her that you're not willing to put your life on hold whilst hosting her, and you don't want a bad atmosphere in your home.

704703hey · 22/03/2023 15:23

How does it work when you're hosting? Do the Council find something more permanent here?

She may be traumatised but she can't make you upset and uncomfortable in your own home.

Mumwomansisterdaughter · 11/04/2023 22:38

Tell her to find another place to go if she is that bothered , I’m sure if she is that religious she understands family come first .
Am I ask if there is race element to it ?

Mumwomansisterdaughter · 11/04/2023 22:41

If he is black or dark skinned that will be the issue above anything else . Not all but there are regions of Ukraine where people really still have massive racial issues . I actually worked in an office setting with educated Ukrainian people 5 years ago and one asked me if she should treat one of my colleagues the same way she treated me ( he is black ) . I was shocked but was then explained later by someone styled in the U.K. a long time that unfortunately it still happens

Original poster
claudd · 28/04/2023 12:34

My sister's boyfriend is ethnic Chinese. When she saw a photo of him he started referring to him a 'Chinaman'. I told her to stop and please refer to him by his name, and she did

OP posts:
Hereward1332 · 28/04/2023 12:47

As English is not going to be her first language, if using the word 'chinaman' if the extent of the racist language, I think we are being pretty unfair. You pointed out that a word has racist connotations and she stopped using it. Police the intent behind the word, not a language mistake.

Given what refugees may have been through, I don't blame her for worrying about an unknown man in the house for 2 days. How many women who haven't fled violence would be happy to welcome a man they didn't know into their home?

While she is staying with you, that's the only home she has. I cannot believe the callousness of pp's telling you to kick her out. A massive failure of their humanity.

Original poster
claudd · 28/04/2023 12:53

My sister has gone now, an my guest came back. Things seem normal and she acts friendly enough, except she changed from being in the sitting room watching children's TV with her daughter in the evenings, to being in their bedroom and only coming out when they need something from the kitchen. This makes us a bit uncomfortable, but we can live with it. We will talk but with the case worker and a translator present, as sometimes we don't know whether she understands everything we say, and on text messages, sometimes she uses weird words, so she obviously uses google translate or something like that. These weird words, when they are a bit off or offensive, I ignore giving her the benefit of the doubt (maybe something is 'lost in translation').

OP posts:
Slobberchops1 · 28/04/2023 12:56

She needs to find somewhere else to live then

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