Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ukrainian

46 replies

claudd · 22/03/2023 11:52

My guest is completely incensed that I'm having my sister with her (unmarried) partner to stay over for a short holiday. My sister lives abroad and I only see her on average once every 3 years. It has been difficult to understand why, but it is perhaps a mixture between not being married, just having an unknown man in the house, a bit of racism and the fact that she would have to share the kitchen with them when we the hosts are not there (a day or 2), as we will be at work. It almost got to breaking point, as I was really upset and then it got better when we finally talked about it in depth. They will move out for a bit and come back. Now she's gone back to being standoffish (which she was before we resolved the issue by talking about it). I fear that this will continue and it will be unpleasant to share the house with them. I don't want to ask them to find another host, but if I did, AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
claudd · 28/04/2023 12:58

@Hereward1332 I agree with you. Nonetheless, she has been standoffish and made us upset, so if it continues they're going to have to move out. We won't kick them out, but we will give them 2 months notice and they will have to leave when their 6 months have passed anyway. Before everything started to go pear-shaped, we would have agreed to have them for as long as they needed, but the emotional strain is not something we expected and with pressure at work, is not something we can sustain.

OP posts:
Original poster
claudd · 15/05/2023 13:02

Update: after 10 days of barely coming out of her room, not letting the little girl play with us or even talk to us and being generally unpleasant, from one moment to another, there was like a switch, she started being her nice old self again. 24 hours later, she announced that her husband was coming, like in 12 hours time. My husband picked him up at the airport, he's a lovely, sunny, enthusiastic person. Everyone happy, but they continued not to use the sitting room at all, which is so bonkers, since it's 3 of them in a room now, and they are in the house a lot more than we are. The sitting room became like a no go area. But then I invited the little girl to play with me there and we spent hours playing and then she wanted to watch the TV, which she hadn't done since they came back. The mum sort of relaxed and made a cake, I think it's her way of apologising. Everything seems normal and happy now. Fingers crossed!

OP posts:
pussycatinfluffyslippers · 15/05/2023 13:38

It's your house and you get to choose who stays.
If your guest has an issue, she needs to find alternative accommodation.

summermode · 15/05/2023 13:57

You sound like a loving and kind person. This may be the first warning sign. They may pretend to be nice again to stay longer.
have a read of “The Farmer and the Viper” story

ButterCrackers · 15/05/2023 14:01

They are a guest of you and family so they should welcome your family coming to visit. As you are having complaints about your own sister and family then your non family guest can find somewhere else to stay. Find out how to get them rehoused asap.

ButterCrackers · 15/05/2023 14:03

Ive just ready the other posts. They need to leave asap. Your kindness is being taken advantage of.

pokabubble · 15/05/2023 14:04

claudd · 28/04/2023 12:34

My sister's boyfriend is ethnic Chinese. When she saw a photo of him he started referring to him a 'Chinaman'. I told her to stop and please refer to him by his name, and she did

I'd be giving her her notice for that

Daddydog · 15/05/2023 14:32

You sound like a really thoughtful and kind hearted person that sees the good in everyone.

Which makes it so ironic she had an issue of your sister's husband stay but didn't think it was an issue to suddenly accommodate her husband! Hopefully there's a lesson in this for her and your outlook on life rubs off on her!

BananaBlue · 15/05/2023 14:40

OP did they ask if the DH could stay or tell you? And how long for?

I cannot believe that after the fuss she made, she’s now introduced a strange man into YOUR house?

Bit of a cheek IMO.

summermode · 15/05/2023 15:35

"there was like a switch, she started being her nice old self again. 24 hours later, she announced that her husband was coming, like in 12 hours time."

Be very careful about these behaviours:

  1. She invited her husband to your house without obtaining your permission (or even kindly asking for it). She is taking your kindness for granted.
  2. It seems she may be faking the "nice old self" to facilitate her own agenda (invite her husband over)
Orchidflower1 · 15/05/2023 15:40

I think you’ve done something very admirable - more than most people would do ( I know I couldn’t). However, I think this has come to the end of the road with you being this host. I’d look for them to find alternative provision.

KvotheTheBloodless · 15/05/2023 15:43

I'd not put up with her inviting her DH to stay without even asking you!

BillyNoM8s · 15/05/2023 15:52

So she doesn't want to stay in your house with a random "chinaman" but she can have her husband turn up with next to no notice?

Have you served notice yet?

Nothing was lost in translation. She was being offensive, otherwise she would've just called him a man, if she couldn't remember his name.

Original poster
claudd · 15/05/2023 16:34

Hi guys. First of all, thank you for your support and for telling me I'm a kind person. I honestly didn't do this to fish for compliments, but rather to vent, as I have been upset and at times angry.
For the moment we're not asking them to leave, as everyone is happy and being nice to each other. Also, I'm really fond of the little one and we're doing this mainly for her.
Second of all, I hadn't told you about the husband. We knew about him and we had met him on video call. We had helped him to get his visa, but he couldn't leave. When he finally could, he had to do so in a hurry, that's why we didn't get much notice. She is really much happier, and part of the frustration she was going through before was to do with being forcefully separated from her husband (plus probably some mental health issues triggered by the whole war situation). So we think and hope things are going to be OK now, perhaps until we have another visitor, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Thank you all for your support!
P.S: Racism and other cultural issues, well, it's not for me to resolve, but it's going to be interesting, as many Ukrainians are here and are being exposed to new ideas and perspectives and challenged in their views. Hopefully one day they'll take be able to return and the whole country will have an injection of notions of tolerance, diversity, etc.

OP posts:
Xenia · 18/05/2023 10:34

It sounds like it is working better now and at least the husband has been allowed to leave (there was a stage when men had to stay to fight).
It probably is a good idea to agree a final leaving date now even if months ahead, for them to move into a rented place in the UK (or return home).

PandaPouch · 18/05/2023 11:10

You are bonkers, I can not believe you live like this. Disconnect yourself from their daughter and put them all on a plane, back to anywhere else. Charity starts at home ffs

Redissuereader · 18/05/2023 13:10

PandaPouch · 18/05/2023 11:10

You are bonkers, I can not believe you live like this. Disconnect yourself from their daughter and put them all on a plane, back to anywhere else. Charity starts at home ffs

What a horrible response

Precipice · 18/05/2023 13:38

pokabubble · 15/05/2023 14:04

I'd be giving her her notice for that

Show quote history

You'd be giving a foreign refugee notice for making mistakes in what's considered acceptable English? You're assuming malice to what is more likely to be a linguistic error.

Where is the logic as to why an male English person might be an "Englishman" but a male Chinese person should not be a "Chinaman"? There is no logic. It is only that the use of the latter has acquired a racist connotation because of a history of racism. How do you expect foreigners to know this automatically?

I don't know Ukrainian; I speak Polish, but some things also apply because the languages are similar. It's standard to talk of people's nationalities/ethnicities in noun form, whereas English generally uses adjectives. Likely this also contributes to the error.

Original poster
claudd · 19/05/2023 16:09

Precipice · 18/05/2023 13:38

You'd be giving a foreign refugee notice for making mistakes in what's considered acceptable English? You're assuming malice to what is more likely to be a linguistic error.

Where is the logic as to why an male English person might be an "Englishman" but a male Chinese person should not be a "Chinaman"? There is no logic. It is only that the use of the latter has acquired a racist connotation because of a history of racism. How do you expect foreigners to know this automatically?

I don't know Ukrainian; I speak Polish, but some things also apply because the languages are similar. It's standard to talk of people's nationalities/ethnicities in noun form, whereas English generally uses adjectives. Likely this also contributes to the error.

Show quote history

You are right. But this situation is more complicated than that.

OP posts:
Guest12345 · 22/05/2023 09:39

I actually went through very similar things with my guests, here is what I learned, hope you will find them useful…

  1. These behaviours are likely her coping mechanisms but you need to clearly let her understand how she chooses to manage her emotions cannot be at your expense. They obviously gone through a lot but its unacceptable when you are made to feel uneasy in your own home
  2. Communication have to be very kind but very firm, explicit and direct. Culturally Ukrainians don’t beat around the bush and polite requests can be interpreted as optional or not that important. Put things in a letter if you need to as it gives more time for her to digest
  3. I would really make it clear that you need them to leave at a particular date and constantly check progress to see how they are tracking. I gave the mother a 3 month notice but it was obvious she had done nothing leading up to the date. I don’t blame her as its human nature to opt for the easiest option but you need to show that you mean it when you say they have to leave. Help them book transportation/ removalists so you have the certainty could help
Guest12345 · 22/05/2023 09:45

Ultimately you should not be expected to sacrifice your mental wellbeing to support people in need. You have done more than enough

New posts on this thread. Refresh page