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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step parent jealousy

35 replies

Changearegood · 21/03/2023 18:45

I’ve got a teenage son 19 so he’s just starting to become independent etc. I’m supporting him all I can and if I need to pick him up from work at midnight if I need to. Sometimes he gets a taxi. It seems like my partner who is not my sons dad has an issue with me cooking for my son, being his taxi etc. he doesn’t say outright but can make comments and just seems defensive. I feel like he’s jealous. Am I unreasonable to support my son? I don’t know why he wants him to have to struggle. It’s making me dislike my partner. Is jealousy most what most step parents feel.

OP posts:
Doodles29 · 21/03/2023 18:52

Sounds like you’re having a very challenging time.

I think it’s great that you’re putting your son’s needs before your partners. However, at 19, does your son do his fair share around the house? Could he be learning to drive and be a bit more independent so that you don’t have to cart him around? Maybe your partner is sharing these concerns because he cares about you and doesn’t want you running around all of the time, burning the candle at both ends.

How long has your partner been in the picture for?

I think you need to communicate with your partner and ask what exactly he means by his comments.

Autienotnautie · 21/03/2023 19:24

I'd say it's up to you if you cook for your son or pick him up. Is your partner concerned for you or himself? Maybe consider if he has a point but only pull back if it's what you want to do. My dd's are early 20's and I still cook for them. I don't tend to do taxi unless they are stuck.

Aftjbtibg · 21/03/2023 19:33

Is it impacting your life together? How long have you been with your partner? If my DH was doing more than I thought he should for DSD I’d bring it up but we’ve been together a long time and I’m part of bringing her up. If I wasn’t then I’d keep out of it.

Ktime · 21/03/2023 19:34

Your DO is being a jealous knobhead. You know what’s best for your son, please don’t treat DS any differently to please DP.

Ktime · 21/03/2023 19:36

Aftjbtibg · 21/03/2023 19:33

Is it impacting your life together? How long have you been with your partner? If my DH was doing more than I thought he should for DSD I’d bring it up but we’ve been together a long time and I’m part of bringing her up. If I wasn’t then I’d keep out of it.

Respectfully, I really don’t think it’s your place to tell DH how much he should be doing for his own DD.

Sapphire387 · 21/03/2023 19:38

I feel another step-parent-bashing thread coming on.

No, I don't resent my DH cooking for DSD or giving her lifts.

Sapphire387 · 21/03/2023 19:39

Ktime · 21/03/2023 19:36

Respectfully, I really don’t think it’s your place to tell DH how much he should be doing for his own DD.

Show quote history

I think if she's helping to bring DSD up, she has a right to express an opinion.

Original poster
Changearegood · 21/03/2023 19:46

We don’t live together because I’m not comfortable with his subtle jealousy. It may well because he doesn’t want me exhausted but it’s his tone when he makes comments. My son can drive just doesn’t have a car yet. He pays for his own taxis and as im cooking dinner for myself I don’t see why I can’t cook for him at the same time. My son impacts on my partner in no way. He has children and does things I think in my head that I wouldn’t do but it doesn’t impact me as I don’t live with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Changearegood · 21/03/2023 19:46

Been together for 3 years.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 21/03/2023 19:53

I'd just be glad you don't live together if he's going to behave like this.

Aftjbtibg · 21/03/2023 19:55

@Ktime respectfully yes I do; I have been in her life for 10 years and she lives with us so of course I do and luckily for me my DH also sees that my views are valid with a child that we’re bringing up together. Each step child situation is unique and you can’t just say someone doesn’t have a say because they aren’t the parent.
However OP in your situation I think your DP needs to reel himself in; it would actually be better if he did bring it up with you so you could say to him that you’re happy with what you’re doing than what sounds like a passive aggressive approach

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/03/2023 19:57

19 is quite old to be starting to be independent.

As you don’t live together and only say negative things about him it sounds like you’d be better off breaking up.

Harriyet · 21/03/2023 19:59

No one would be telling me what I can and can't do for my 19 year old. 19 is old enough to have his own independence, but if you choose to taxi him and cook for him that's up to you. Cooking for him is a no brainer as you're cooking for yourself anyway.

sweatervest · 21/03/2023 20:03

as i read somewhere - your son is the last male you'll truly love
i also read - step parents are the highest cause of abuse [unfortunately this is true in my life]

i am quite set in my ways/damaged (long dull story) so i'm siding a million percent on you and your son. you could say your son's 39 and you're cooking him dinner and i'd write the same thing.

JudgeRudy · 21/03/2023 20:06

I think a 19 male should be organising his own transport to and from anywhere.
If you chose to give him a lift occasionally that's OK, but if I was your partner it would grate seeing you get up and out at nearly midnight.
Before you point out there's no public transport, then he should have taken that into consideration. If its under 5miles he can walk. Bet he manages to get home from parties.
Also, yes it does affect your OH. It might only be half hour but that would seriously spoil my evening being 'on hold'.

JudgeRudy · 21/03/2023 20:08

Ktime · 21/03/2023 19:36

Respectfully, I really don’t think it’s your place to tell DH how much he should be doing for his own DD.

Show quote history

It is her place though to bring something up that's impacting (or has potential to) on their relationship surely.

SchoolTripDrama · 21/03/2023 20:11

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GabriellaMontez · 21/03/2023 20:24

What comments does he make?
Ask him what the problem is exactly?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 21/03/2023 20:31

Changearegood · 21/03/2023 19:46

We don’t live together because I’m not comfortable with his subtle jealousy. It may well because he doesn’t want me exhausted but it’s his tone when he makes comments. My son can drive just doesn’t have a car yet. He pays for his own taxis and as im cooking dinner for myself I don’t see why I can’t cook for him at the same time. My son impacts on my partner in no way. He has children and does things I think in my head that I wouldn’t do but it doesn’t impact me as I don’t live with them.

Oh God, why are you putting yourself through that - he's probably aiming to persuade you to tell DS to bugger off so he can get his boots under the table.

After all, your common or garden cocklodger would be looking at a 16 year old and thinking 'he'll be gone at 18, I can wait that long', then at 18 'he's got to go soon', then by 19 'he's never going to go, I've had enough waiting, I'll bother his Mum into not cooking or helping him at all so he'll move out'. By 20 it'll be 'Chuck his lazy arse out, he's taking the absolute piss out of you' or threatening to leave you if you don't have him move in.

Bin him now and you'll have a relationship with your son into adulthood. Keep him and it'll end in tears (and somebody far less nice than your boy in your home).

Livelovebehappy · 21/03/2023 20:42

Don’t let yourself be bullied by your DP just to keep him happy. Sounds like it’s not impacting on him. Presumably you cook for your ds and dp at the same sitting, so what’s his problem? And as you aren’t married to your DP, nor are you living with him, how can you describe him as a stepparent?

justasmalltownmum · 21/03/2023 20:44

I'm a grown adult and my parents would still pick me up at midnight if I asked.

Original poster
Changearegood · 21/03/2023 21:02

I have no issue picking him up from work. It’s probably only twice a week. I do it for safety reasons. I know there are bad people anytime of day but feel more comfortable picking him up. He has adult daughters and makes a fuss of them when he can. I don’t say anything na use they are his kids. I just wont cut my son off because he’s 19.

OP posts:
Mojoj · 21/03/2023 21:12

No one would tell me what I should be doing for my kids, regardless of how old the kids were. It's between me and my kids. No one else.

Pseudonamed · 22/03/2023 09:10

Nobody should tell you what you should and should not do for your kids. Only you get to decide. Your partner is a dick.

BMW6 · 22/03/2023 09:15

Why not challenge him to his face? Ask why the snidey comments or whatever he's doing.

Tell him straight that you will do as YOU please regarding YOUR son and if he can't accept that it is no concern of his he can fuck off.