Step parent jealousy

[Changearegood]

I’ve got a teenage son 19 so he’s just starting to become independent etc. I’m supporting him all I can and if I need to pick him up from work at midnight if I need to. Sometimes he gets a taxi. It seems like my partner who is not my sons dad has an issue with me cooking for my son, being his taxi etc. he doesn’t say outright but can make comments and just seems defensive. I feel like he’s jealous. Am I unreasonable to support my son? I don’t know why he wants him to have to struggle. It’s making me dislike my partner. Is jealousy most what most step parents feel.

Your partner is weird.

In rl step-parents I know have gone out of their way to pick up their step-children late at night, drive them to and from university, etc regardless of the step-child's sex.

It's because you have a ds.
Some men can't bear another male around if he's not their own. Even a teenage boy is a threat
It's pathetic.
My dsis married a man who is mostly lovely but always found fault with my dnephew and not d niece.
Dsis had sharp words with bil and he stopped his ridiculous behaviour.

I would be telling him to fuck off and mind his own business!! No actually I would be getting rid, he's a red flag!

Having been in a similar situation of having a partner with older children/young adults I saw my role as supporting my partners parenting choices so often it would be me driving off to pick them up.

Still different parenting choices are bound to come up as issues at times and partners should be able to talk about them as a normal part of caring and supporting each other.

Passive/aggressive comments and a protective parent reaction are a really destructive way of doing it but many people, especially men seem to be really bad at being able to communicate about emotive issues so it don't think it necessarily means he's jealous or trying to get his boots under the table.

I would never resent my DH doing perfectly normal parenting of his kids or our DD.
Cooking, lifts etc are usual expectations no? As parents we can decide on doing slightly more than is absolutely necessary if we want to. It's often done with love.

Well it depends on the pov doesn’t it?

a 19 year old male who works should be fairly independent. Does he drive? Why is he getting lifts from you to work? He’s an adult and should be able to sort his own transport.

does your son contribute to the house hold? Financially? Do any cooking or cleaning?

your partner may be seeing a 19 year old man still being treated like a child, lifts, cooking, cleaning etc. his expectations for another adult may be that he shoulders more of the household load.

my 18 year old drives himself to college etc. runs his car. I do occasionally give lifts for nights out to save taxi fares/so I know they’re all home safe. If not eating with us will sort out own meals, does own cleaning etc.

so which is it? Are you helping out your adult son occasionally, or have you not made the transition to independence yet - you say “just starting” to become independent. He’s 19, he should have started learning independence years ago.

I suspect your partner may have a point in that you are still doing everything for your adult son.

@Lastnamedidntstick then he should say that rather than making passive aggressive comments.

Incidentially there could be a very good reason why the OP's 19 year old son doesn't drive - insurance particularly for a young driver who uses their car at night isn't cheap.

So your DS was 16 when you met your current partner? You are unreasonable to call him a step parent as there is nothing to suggest he has ever been any kind of parent to your DS.

You would not be unreasonable to tell your partner to wind his neck in though. He has zero say in what you do or don't do for your DS. And I don't think you are doing anything ridiculous for him, just being a caring parent who is happy to help another family member out when you can.

Life's too short for this shit. If you feel like you're having to choose between your son and I guy you've been with for 3 years there's only one winner, isn't there?

First off, he's not a step parent.

Tell him to mind his own damn business when it comes to your DC.

That aside, please have your DS cook, clean, do laundry, etc. for his own benefit in being an adult.

I know you say you're cooking yourself something anyway so why not share with him. He could be cooking something for himself so why not share with you.
It works both ways.