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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

? to think my husband has been an a*se today?

52 replies

notreallycalledthis · 12/02/2008 14:30

Have namechanged for anonymity?

To cut an extremely long story short (and sorry for so much perhaps shocking info in one breath), I had to go into hospital this morning for a pregnancy termination after getting bad test results back last week. Up at 6, out of the door at 6.30 for ?check-in? at 7 this morning. This thread isn?t about the awful fact that I had to terminate a much-wanted pregnancy ? you would think so, wouldn?t you ? but something much more trivial but also (for me) shocking.

Before we go out of the door to get into the car, DH takes it into his head to start going on about the fact that I?m a) wearing my glasses instead of contact lenses (er duhh I?m going to be in theatre in an hour) and b) haven?t tied my hair up in a ponytail. One of the few things I like about myself is my hair, so I prefer not to tie it up. This combination of hair down and glasses on I will - even on a good day - agree is not my best look but I?m going into hospital, not going to a freaking party. It?s also 6.30 in the morning and it?s still dark FFS. I ask him if he?s ashamed to be seen with me like this and his answer is ?yes?.

AIBU to expect my DH to ignore how I look on a day like this, and even if he doesn?t like what he sees, to keep his goddamn trap shut? And support me rather than nag me about something I?m very sensitive about even on a good day?

AI also BU to expect to be able to talk about it with DH without being told to stop being so stubborn? [disbelief] He?s extremely stubborn himself, in case you?re wondering. Any tips for broaching this subject this evening with said DH so that I can actually get my point across to him ? that he really hurt me and I?d really rather he didn?t do that again?

OP posts:
Original poster
notreallycalledthis · 12/02/2008 14:32

(apologies for all the question marks - I typed it out in Word first (knew it would be a bit epic) and it's changed all the single quotation marks into ?)

OP posts:
oliviaelanasmum · 12/02/2008 14:33

YANBU
Im that he could speak to you like this on such a day for you. Do you think it could be a combination of nerves and grief causing to act this way?

choccypig · 12/02/2008 14:33

Without even reading the OP. You are probably not being unreasonable. They (men) are all *rses most of the time.

anorak · 12/02/2008 14:34

If this comment is out of character for him I would assume that he was as upset as you were this morning about the test results and having to terminate the pregnancy.

Sometimes men feel they can't show how upset they are when they're trying to be strong for you, but those feelings come out like steam from a pressure cooker - and in this case obviously not in a good way.

My guess is that he will be very sorry about it - I would encourage him to talk about his feelings about the pregnancy.

LadyOfWaffle · 12/02/2008 14:35

YANBU, but maybe he was on edge aswell and just being an idiot, but nt being able to help himself? I know it's no excuse, but it may explain it... {{hugs}} xxx

2sugars · 12/02/2008 14:35

Agree with oem - that he must have been nervous. What's he been like since you've been back?

choccypig · 12/02/2008 14:36

Having read the post, yes he was an *rse, bit think you need to just try to forget it, and look after each other at this sad time for you both.

MotherFunk · 12/02/2008 14:38

Message withdrawn

Original poster
notreallycalledthis · 12/02/2008 14:39

Thanks for all your speedy replies. Unfortunately this isn't really out of character for him (we've had this discussion many a time and that even with my lenses in ). I assume this is his grief coming out the wrong way, but on the way back from the hospital I was very quiet and he asked if I was OK - I said "well I'm still cross about what you said this morning". His reply? "Me too".

He is SO stubborn, I can't even TALK about this sort of thing with him. Anyone else out there with a pigheaded DH who won't listen to what you've got to say?

OP posts:
jammydodger · 12/02/2008 14:40

Hi there. Feeling very for you as the termination must have been a horrible and traumatic thing to go through. And yes, he acted like a complete arse. As other poster said, probably his way of handling those emotions/nerves etc but still, extremely insensitive.
I hope you manage to sort it out, what would he do if you told him how much you'd been hurt by what he said? Would he continue to be an arse?
I hope you're doing ok in the circumstances; sorry I've no helpful advice but I'm sure someone else will. Thinking of you though, you've been through a huge thing.
xxxxx

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 12/02/2008 14:40

TBH he was being an insensitive sod but considering what you have just been through I would leave it. More important things to talk about maybe???

LolaTheShowgirl · 12/02/2008 14:40

OMG, your DH should be your EX-DH, what a wanker. I had the same thing happen to me. Went for a termination when I was in my teens. I really wanted the baby but my then DP and my evil mother forced me into termination - something I regret hugely to this day and it's ruined my life really but that is another thread. I wore jogging bottoms and a baggy tshirt to the hospital as I thought I may be sore afterwards and my DP really had a go at me asking why I was wearing what I was and told me I looked hideous. So that was the first thing. We were then walking by the hospital and a fox ran out in front of us and I let out a 'awwww' and DP and my mum told me "don't be so f*ing immature" and then I was about 3rd in line for the termination and before I even went in DP left so he could go home and watch the football . Then when I got home I was feeling really upset so lay on the sofa with a duvet and my usually lovely nan said "you only had a vacuum up you, no need to be so pathetic"

FFS, and then my family wonder why I hate them. I finally left DP's sorry arse and hope he'll bump into me soon out of the blue coz i've lost a bit of weight and look hot ( if I may say so myself )

Your DH really has some serious making up to do. So sorry about the termination, I do hope it gets easier with time. Take care sweetheart xxx

MotherFunk · 12/02/2008 14:42

Message withdrawn

rubles · 12/02/2008 14:43

I'm so sorry for you both. That's so sad.

I agree with anorak that he is probably transferring his feelings of sadness due to the termination and they are coming out inappropriately as criticism of your appearance. It has resulted in him being a prize d**k head at this time, but he is probably just hurting a lot too, and a gentle chat about how you are both feeling might be the best thing.

Original poster
notreallycalledthis · 12/02/2008 14:45

Lola I'm to read your post - I'm sorry you went through all that. My situation is slightly different (no-one's forced me to have a termination and DH's comments stopped at the glasses/hair thing) but god men can be just so insensitive, can't they?

OP posts:
minouminou · 12/02/2008 14:45

sounds like grief and nerves to me - he's picking on things he feels he CAN do something about or change (as it were).
so sorry to hear about your experience, hope you're feeling better soon.

Original poster
notreallycalledthis · 12/02/2008 14:48

Well MF I do make an effort the rest of the time... I just didn't think it worth the effort for the anaesthetist and gynaecologist to do the whole lenses/make-up thing Plus I'm 6' and a size 10. It's just a shame about the face - not sure whether that's a or a or a

OP posts:
Zazette · 12/02/2008 14:48

He may well be feeling grief-stricken etc - but he's an adult, he can take responsibility for NOT acting out those emotions in such a crass and cruel way. Being a man is NOT an excuse for behaving so badly.

dittany · 12/02/2008 14:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MotherFunk · 12/02/2008 14:52

Message withdrawn

Original poster
notreallycalledthis · 12/02/2008 14:56

No MF thanks for your suggestion, really. I will have a think about that a bit more as the fact that it's not the first time he's nagged me about this is just one major HINT...

Still bothering me though.

Any more advice on how to get through to stubborn headed pigs husbands?

OP posts:
dittany · 12/02/2008 15:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
notreallycalledthis · 12/02/2008 15:15

dittany I had to laugh at your "marriage manual" - thanks for cheering me up . Perhaps we should add an extra line: "And don't forget to peel the potatoes for tonight before going out for the appointment so that you'll be ready to present him with his 3-course dinner when you get back from hospital"... I hasten to add that DH will be cooking tonight and that the above fortunately has no bearing on any personages real or imaginary

I think on reflection that his insensitivity and selfishness were actually his grief and powerlessness coming out. However his chronic inability to say sorry in this kind of situation remains an issue but you can't have everything, eh... (see marriage manual p. 315)

OP posts:
Original poster
notreallycalledthis · 12/02/2008 15:17

Thank you by the way to everyone else who has been replying - so many in such a short time, wow.

OP posts:
Jodyray · 12/02/2008 15:22

What a terrible thing to say on any day especially today, how insensitive. He sounds like a bit of a control freak. I get the impression from your posts that its not out of character for him? Whats he like with other aspects of your life? is it just your appearance or does he pick at other things?