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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

? to think my husband has been an a*se today?

52 replies

notreallycalledthis · 12/02/2008 14:30

Have namechanged for anonymity?

To cut an extremely long story short (and sorry for so much perhaps shocking info in one breath), I had to go into hospital this morning for a pregnancy termination after getting bad test results back last week. Up at 6, out of the door at 6.30 for ?check-in? at 7 this morning. This thread isn?t about the awful fact that I had to terminate a much-wanted pregnancy ? you would think so, wouldn?t you ? but something much more trivial but also (for me) shocking.

Before we go out of the door to get into the car, DH takes it into his head to start going on about the fact that I?m a) wearing my glasses instead of contact lenses (er duhh I?m going to be in theatre in an hour) and b) haven?t tied my hair up in a ponytail. One of the few things I like about myself is my hair, so I prefer not to tie it up. This combination of hair down and glasses on I will - even on a good day - agree is not my best look but I?m going into hospital, not going to a freaking party. It?s also 6.30 in the morning and it?s still dark FFS. I ask him if he?s ashamed to be seen with me like this and his answer is ?yes?.

AIBU to expect my DH to ignore how I look on a day like this, and even if he doesn?t like what he sees, to keep his goddamn trap shut? And support me rather than nag me about something I?m very sensitive about even on a good day?

AI also BU to expect to be able to talk about it with DH without being told to stop being so stubborn? [disbelief] He?s extremely stubborn himself, in case you?re wondering. Any tips for broaching this subject this evening with said DH so that I can actually get my point across to him ? that he really hurt me and I?d really rather he didn?t do that again?

OP posts:

Meeely2 · 12/02/2008 15:27

when i had my prem twins, they were in hosp for 8 weeks - we would visit daily - i would go in the day while he was at work, then we would go together in the evening. One evening I decided to make a bit more effort than usual as we were going to a pub after seeing the twins - so i stuck a denim skirt on and a nice top (it was december btw, so mighty cold)....he said "I hate that skirt i really wish you wouldn't wear it, i mean fooking hate it...."

Was mortified, snuffled and wimpered all the way to hosp - did our usual routine of feeds/cares for the boys and then drove back to the pub as planned.....he said sorry, that he didn't hate the skirt, but he was really worried about one of our twins, who had been put back in an incubator after a week in a proper cot. Basically his concern and angst and the pressure of having to be the strong one finally got to him and he has to lash out.....

Original poster

notreallycalledthis · 12/02/2008 15:28

Hi Jody. Actually if anyone I'm the control freak around here........ He doesn't try to control other parts of my life - or at least, if he does then I accept his advice because it's good (e.g. jobwise). I think MF may have a good point, as we've been together almost 8 years now and every relationship needs "working on"...

OP posts:

Meeely2 · 12/02/2008 15:28

not an excuse and i made him pay, but we had more important things to think about at the time (shows ya though that its stuck in my mind from 3 years ago).

dingdong05 · 12/02/2008 15:29

So sorry you had to go through all that- both the operation and your husbands twatishness.
I am doubly that he has the gall to say he was stil cross too! I may be wrong, but was he saying he was still cross that you told him off for being an anus?
tbh I don't see how you can "get through" to someone like that. I had a partner before who would always (wilfuly imo) miss any point I had to make, but he'd repeat it back to me skewed so that after a while I started to lose all confidence in any communication skills I may have had. It was someone else who watched a few of these "discussions" who made me see that he was twisting everything as a way of dismissing my opinions.
If he's not listening to you now anything you do will probably be interpreted as nagging which is not constructive. Maybe you can persuade him to see a relate counsellor?
I feel for you here's a hug {{{}}}

AandK · 12/02/2008 15:30

I think he has been an arse but in my experience people usually get a bit nasty while in a stressful situation and though you are not to blame for what has happened you're the nearest person he can vent his anger at.

duchesse · 12/02/2008 15:30

He's being an arse. Men have a funny way of expressing sadness sometimes.

about your pregnancy.

Original poster

notreallycalledthis · 12/02/2008 15:30

Meeely2 that sounds very similar... poor you for having to endure that though , 8 weeks in hosp. The stress for us of having to wait for the results last week was almost unbearable and I think this may have been DH's way of blowing off steam...

OP posts:

Meeely2 · 12/02/2008 15:33

If I look back, i very likely vented at him too, but we block it out don't we....he won't remember saying that about my skirt, much as I have forgotten lashing out at him....it's always the person closest to ya innit!

Original poster

notreallycalledthis · 12/02/2008 15:34

dingdong what you say does ring a bell (sorry just realised the pun as I was typing it... [groan]) I do sometimes want us to have the discussions we have about other things with someone else in the room as he's started using the "me too" thing (very childish in my eyes) a lot recently and it really f's me off. Twisting everything round to be my fault is also a favourite - I then just switch off and can't be arsed anymore as it's a waste of energy.

By chance I'm seeing a counsellor at the moment for something unrelated but I may see if we can get some couple-counselling to be able to COMMUNICATE better...

OP posts:

Jodyray · 12/02/2008 15:35

OK... men are always rubbish at expressing things the right way..hope you sort things out.... Meeely2 I had to raise a smile when i read your post as when my son was born last summer, 10 weeks early i also did the day visits. Similar comment was made one day when our son had a setback, about my attire...except the difference was it was an accusation that i must be trying to impress someone! needless to say he regretted it as soon as it came out of his mouth...but thats SOME men all over, thoughtless!!

andiemustlosehalfastonemore · 12/02/2008 15:35

notreally my dh did something really similar when I had to go into hosp for a d&C following a missed mc he said something about how I should have organised ds1 better just as we were going out of the door I was so but I think he just didn't know what to do iyswim and he felt awful afterwards

Original poster

notreallycalledthis · 12/02/2008 15:39

Andie sorry to hear you had to go through this too.

I'm beginning to see a pattern here...

Marriage manual for men:
Wife or girlfriend either just given birth or had to undergo a pregnancy-related operation? Make a comment about her attire, looks or something she has organised, just as you're going out of the door. You can blow off steam and she'll LOVE you for it. [rolleyes]

OP posts:

AandK · 12/02/2008 15:39

See men are just stupid twats. I was called a stupid fat slapper while pregnant. He soon regreted it and it certainly didn't happen again. I believe everyone is guilty of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.

Meeely2 · 12/02/2008 15:40

jodyray - i hope your DS is ok now - (not hijacking notreally!), dh did several other thoughtless things as the going got tough when they came home, but is a changed man now that the stress has all but gone.

Notreally, is your DH home with you now? if so just go and have a nice chat with him - no you said this and i said that, just "bit of a day today huh? wanna veg in front of TV and eat pizza?" smooth it over......lifes too short, we all have our moments and invariably with men, the do come at the wrong time!

Jodyray · 12/02/2008 15:45

Meeely2 yeah DS is fine and ditto with DP re changed!! (enough about me)

Notreally i think you need to discuss it too just as Meeely suggested in a lighthearted way just to get it off your own chest. Men are crap at saying sorry, but arent we all at times?! I am sure deep down he regrets it.

ChinaSurprise · 12/02/2008 15:48

I agree with most of posters - he was sad and stressed and it came out in saying something hurtful to you.
Having said that, it was still unacceptable and he should apologise (and am sure he will).
When DH is being unreasonable (surely not) and doing things that upset me I've learnt to say 'what you are doing is hurting me' as there is no real comeback. Even if he says 'it shouldn't hurt you/ you're overreacting etc' i can still say 'it still hurts me. i know you don't want to hurt me. please don't do it'.
That normally works. It's not about saying 'you're being a shit' so he doesn't feel attacked.
Of course, people do the same stuff over and over again, but 'you've hurt me' (not said in a whiny voice - just totally matter of fact) seems to have the most impact ime.
Am sorry to hear about your termination btw. I do hope things look up for you.

Original poster

notreallycalledthis · 12/02/2008 15:56

Hi Meeely, no DH is still at work but will be home later on. Good suggestion about takeaway... however I think it's too important not to talk about, as he's done this before (1. whinge that I'm not tying my hair back and 2. say "me too" when I'm trying to explain that I'm upset about something). Grrrrrrrrrr. (can someone remember to request an emoticon for that next time MNHQ ask us which extra ones we want?)

Thanks everyone, you can tell from my posts, which are becoming gradually more jokey, that I'm beginning to feel a lot better . I heart Mumsnet!

OP posts:

Meeely2 · 12/02/2008 15:59

i agree talk, but don't let it dissolve into a row, not today....if it looks as if it's heating up or he's not listening, steal yourself away before you get drawn in and come chat on here......

sparklyfairypie · 12/02/2008 16:00

omfg yanbu xxxxxxxx

Original poster

notreallycalledthis · 12/02/2008 16:05

Good idea, China, thanks for that.

Think I may give it a rest tonight though and either watch TV orrrrrr sit on MUMSNET!

OP posts:

andiemustlosehalfastonemore · 12/02/2008 16:07

good idea notreallly you deserve a rest and some chocs

Original poster

notreallycalledthis · 12/02/2008 16:08

now you're talking Andie...

OP posts:

ChinaSurprise · 12/02/2008 18:13

I'm sure you'll feel better tomorrow. Today has been effing awful for you after all.
Get the duvet and some chocs and try to relax.
xxx

Original poster

notreallycalledthis · 12/02/2008 18:57

Thanks, China, am going to do just that!

Thanks everyone for all your support again. It really helped me NOT blow my top when DH came home from work earlier. Instead of going off on one I just asked for a big hug, which is of course MUCH nicer than a big ole argument. We'll talk about it all another time.

Am off to go and crawl under that duvet now... thanks again.

OP posts:

ChinaSurprise · 12/02/2008 19:34

Am glad you feel better. Hugs are the best, after all. {{{hug}}}
Night!

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