Aibu about my remains?

[TowerRaven7]

Not a taat but the death post reminded me of something that’s niggling at me so this is more of a WWYD. Dh and I were talking about our wishes and he has now decided to get cremated and his ashes buried in the cemetery his family is in. Fine.

I would like to join him, But if I go first I don’t want my cremated remains there ‘by myself’. My in-laws and generally his side of the family to be honest are quite toxic. I know in the end it won’t matter to me then, but it matters to me now and it’s bothering me. I can imagine his family ignoring my remains there just as they do me now!

I do belong to a Church now (in another country from dh’s family) and I thought to be buried there if I go first. But we very possibly will be moving to dh’s families country in the next 10 years. Great but now I’m back to square one again. Dh is a bit upset because we’ll be ‘separated’ if I go first and buried by myself here yet the thought of being with his family makes me ill now!! WWYD?

Really? This is concerning you. Little to worry about as my (dead) mother would have said.

Maybe change your mindset…. When you’re dead, you’re dead!!

Maybe your and DH decide that when one of you passes away, the order will have a piece of jewellery made with your ashes, that way you’ll always be together. And/or that your ashes will be scattered somewhere you both loved.

Haggisburger scroll on by; why even bother to answer.

If you're being cremated, it's possible to have your ashes move. Have them interred when you die where you want, and then have your husband's papers take care of the move to be buried with his.

If you're being cremated, your DH can just keep your ashes wth him.

My DD has my mother/grandmother and my DS has his father's ashes.

If you're being cremated wouldn't you just have the ashes put in an urn & DH keep them (on the mantelpiece was the usual place I thought) & you can be placed together when the time comes - I thought that was fairly standard (albeit everyone I knew who got cremated had their ashes scattered) or have I read too many novels maybe!

I actually had no idea you could move cremated remains, definitely makes me feel better.

So the only opinions you want are the ones validating you? Why bother to post, then? You're giving this too much headspace, seriously.

Some people just keep the urn of ashes forever, no interment, no scattering. That’s the beauty of them! Flexible in a way a grave and coffin cannot be!

I had a friend who wanted his ashes scattered all around the world, so everyone got a handful after the cremation (long after, the ashes weren’t still smouldering), to put parts of him somewhere lovely.

Why did you even bother to post that, it’s unkind, unhelpful and just really mean spirited. I don’t actually understand why you even bothered to type that out. It honestly can’t have made you feel good and it certainly wasn’t designed to make OP feel good. 🤷‍♀️

My mum died 15 months ago.

Her ashes are at home. My Dad is keeping them so that when he goes, they can be together.

Can’t you do that? He keeps your ashes?

To move buried cremated remains you need an exhumation order.

Move them? You (usually) collect them from the funeral directors if not, straight from crem. You can keep them in the bag/box grey come in or an urn if you've purchased one....or stick em in a jam jar. My relatives put ashes into the soil of a potted acer tree. The tree has moved home. I suspect when it's owner dies their ashes will be added and it'll be passed down the line.

as PP said, If that scenario transpires, have your ashes kept and have it written into your dh’s will that you are both ‘put in’ together when the time comes. That’s definitely a thing!

When my mum died my dad kept her ashes in an urn until they could be scattered together. When he went they did a little ceremony at the Crematorium Gardens and their ashes were mixed together under a willow tree.

Just make sure you have your urn labelled. After almost 15 years we finally had my father's ashes interred in the family grave. A few years later we found another urn. Nobody knows who (or what) is interred in the grave.

Another interesting question: How would you (or he) feel if you died first, and then he remarried? Would he still want to be buried next to you? Would you rather be on your own in your church you mentioned?

I find it funny how different people see these things. You don't want to be left alone with your inlaws, I want to be scattered somewhere lovely and my dad wants to go in the bin (wish I was joking 🙄)

In your shoes, I would want dh to keep you until he died then can be buried/scattered together.

DH's ashes are sitting on the windowsill of the window he loved to watch the birds from when he was confined to bed. When I die I hope my ashes will join his ashes and we will be scattered to the wind together somewhere. I am surprised I still have his ashes, I always thought I would want to scatter them pretty soon after his death but now he's actually dead I don't want to be parted from them, who is to know how your DH will feel if you go first.

What happens if you go first and he gets remarried ?

@HaggisBurger some people, well most really, can juggle two thought at once. I'm sorry you aren't capable of that but don't last our at others. Perhaps we could help you

Honestly, I think you’re making things very difficult for your potentially bereaved family. I’d tell them to do whatever is easiest for them.

My Mum died several years before my Dad and they wanted their ashes burying together. So Mum's ashes were kept by the funeral director - there might have been a small charge but I honestly can't remember- until Dad died. There's no compulsion to bury or scatter ashes as soon as someone is cremated.

First one to die gets cremated and the ashes can be kept in a cupboard until the second dies.

you’ll be DEAD