To ask how long I can keep going

[ManorHall7]

You may remember my previous threads regarding DH and grief. Mil passed away after 7 weeks in hospital up and over Christmas very beg of Jan. A lot of stress in itself those 7 weeks. DH had very intense relationship lived 5 minutes away phoned every day called in 5 6 times a week. Mil was not decripid old lady active social life etc. Lived alone after losing FIL 18 years ago. Been with DH over 20 years have two primary children. I have accepted and put up with being second to MIL for many years. I have a chronic health condition too

DH has been struggling since passing, moody, swearing, no patience etc with me and children some good days but more often than not its just miserable. However he is going to gym playing football and seeing his friends. I have been manning house and children for 4 months. He will help with some things in house not much, help with kids clubs. Only just gone back to work two weeks ago.
He has had 6 counselling sessions and us due more. He has bad anxiety and OCD not classic. I don't see a difference in him.

I had very bad childhood of which he knows very little, I was fostered in Kong term from age 11 I call these my parents. Real parents are both dead.This is relevant. He has never wanted to hear about nh childhood as he can't handle it etc

Yesterday I expected to be difficult understandably. However there was just a card from kids and we had to rush about for children's activities. My DD has been coping much better after struggling, she visited grave once with DH and was upset. Yesterday DH visited and asked both children to come I voiced concerns about upsetting DD and suggested he went alone this was ignored. DD came back very upset and was withdrawn and silent all day. I had the usual day washing cooking etc. I felt really sad that DH didn't even say or give me any acknowledgement for just running everything for the past few months almost single handedly. I have helped with funeral, mil paperwork and affairs.

This is petty I know but he does usually write a social media post for me and his mum, last night he said he just felt empty and didn't have anything to give. He isn't sure he is going to get through it etc. I had a throughly shit mother's day - I know not as bad as him.

I have been counselling which had been helpful but the things being suggested like talking to him etc he just won't engage. Counselling in some ways has opened my eyes a bit about how passive I have been and just put up with stuff.

I know grieving is process and never goes away but I just feel I am running out of anything to give. I try and be patient but I get absolutely nothing back from him at all, yesterday I just felt so hurt and sad for the children too that they see it. I fine it hard to sit and hear he doesn't think he can get through it when he has a family in front of him.

Is it too early to make decisions about our future ? I know i sound incredibly selfish but I am so battered now and running on empty

If its not working its not working, and you need to act on that. But YABU to have expected anything from yesterday when he's just lost his Mum.

I remember your 2 previous posts about the same issue, and I do feel like from the start you put time limits on his grief. He's only just gone back to work 2 weeks ago so he's clearly really struggled. But it doesn't excuse him from all of his duties as a husband and as a father.

I remember your previous thread. My view then and now is that for someone in grief he is very keen on playing football and seeing his friends, leaving his wife to pick up the pieces elsewhere.

He is going to keep milking this forever.

The sadness and defeat just radiate from your posts. You really don't owe him this life, OP. There is better for you than someone who uses you.

I don't expect any time limits. It won't go away. But I don't think a small conversation of thank you for holding everything together for 4 months wouldn't have taken much. I just don't see the example it sets for our children.

He went to pub sat night with his friends and home at 1am so I don't feel I was asking to much surely. If it was the other way around I wouldn't be able to just check out of life.

How hurtful is it to hear constantly he can't get through this when he has a family in front of him and children

This is the way counselling is going for me. I have just been passive my whole marriage perhaps because I had a dreadful childhood and I just grabbed the first relationship. I understand his need to get out etc

But i am also so sad as I do love him and our children if it turns out this way.

I just remember you were thinking all should have been back on track after 2 weeks. It stuck in my mind as I'd lost my Dad it felt like my heart was ripped out.

But like I've said it doesn't excuse him from his duties as a husband and father. Plenty of time has passed for him to be back on track with those things.

I fully understand him not making a social media post, that's not real life anyway. But as he said he's empty with nothing left to give on mother's day. I feel it's unfair for you to be angry about him not being excited at the thought of mothers day. But it sounds like the more you explain the more he has been a shit partner the whole relationship, so this is probably not about him losing his Mum at all.

I remember them too and thought you were being both a bit unrealistic and a bit unfair on him.

Sorry.

The fact that he's only just returned to work shows his state of mind i think.

I saw your previous thread too OP and my heart went out to you.

I didn’t think you were trying to impose limits on his grief more just wondering whether you were in it for the long run as his emotional punch bag.

I think that your own experiences and grief at your own childhood losses are really key here. Keep going with the therapy and see how you get on.

In the meantime I would expect nothing emotionally from H. I would put some boundaries down on practical things as you having to hold the fort all the time is not on.

I'm going to disagree with the PPs and say your DH is taking the absolute piss and using this bereavement as a licence to opt out of all the bits of (family) life he doesn't like.

My DH lost his mum late last year. In general he has coped well but of course there have been times when I have had to take over all the day to day stuff. The difference is that he doesn't take anything out on me or the children, and has been appreciative of my support.

I'm not sure what to suggest OP but honestly he sounds awful.

Yes I think he's taking the piss too op. If he's out drinking with mates until early doors he's not that heartbroken.

He's selfish snd narcissistic. What do you mean he doesn't want to hear about your childhood experiences??? Why not???

Sit him down and tell him YOU are not happy and HE has to make changes.

Dh and I have lost all parents and yes it's hard but you don't behave like this.

I would have had his arse over not fussing you for Mother's Day and upsetting his dd. Arse wipe

I don't blame him for struggling - losing a parent is bloody hard. And mothers day can be very difficult for people who have lost their mum, especially if it was recently.

BUT.... a good father would at least be thinking about his children. When I lost my mum, it was the need to ensure that the DC weren't damaged and upset (beyond normal, healthy grieving) that kept me functioning a lot of the time. He's clearly not interested. He's using his grief as an excuse to check out of family life - his relationship with you and with the DC.

I don't think you can ask him to grieve "faster" but I do think you can ask him to step up more. If he can go to football, he can take the kids to the park and engage with them. if he can go to the pub, he can make tea and have it with the children. I think framing it as a "Look DH, I am deeply sympathetic to your grief and I will do all I can to support you but... I am very worried about how your grief is impacting the children and what we can do about that" is a necessary conversation.

This. I had a friend whose DH had “depression” and totally opted out of all family activity but managed to play golf, watch rugby/football, go to gym and even a lads weekend away! He used family money for a two week stay in the priory then upped and off to Spain for a stag weekend!!

he is not a young child whose lost his mum - he is an adult with his own family and he needs to move on and be a father/partner or else it will destroy your family

No sorry, the fact he’s lost his mum doesn’t mean he can act like a complete douche bag towards you. You sound like a bit of a doormat to me op and like you are afraid of him and tiptoe around him.

He swears and shouts at you and fucks of playing football and to the pub with his mates but is far too sad to do any parenting or practical stuff? Yeah right.

Also the fact he won’t allow you to speak about your past as it’s too upsetting to him speaks volumes about him as a person. He sounds horrid.

I think it is reasonable for someone to take time dealing with the loss of a loved one. However it is also reasonable to have a lim it as to what you can cope with alone as a partner.

His returning to work sounds like a positive step. His ability to engage in gym/footballs suggests he has some motivation to do tasks also. Can you pinpoint some specific things that he needs to start doing to move forward/keep your relationship? So you can feel that something is at least moving forward.

Thats if you want to continue the relationship even if things change. If not that’s ok. Sounds like maybe there were issues before? Is it just the grief or has he been like this always to a lesser degree?

I have accepted and put up with being second to MIL for many years.

This says it all. What was his behaviour towards you like when everything was hunky dory with his mother?

Is it too early to make decisions about our future ?

How about "Does his behaviour warrant me making a decision about my and our childrens' futures?"

As explained I don't expect him to be excited about mothers day. Just a short thank-you or bit of appreciation would have been more than enough. He was happy enough to his favourite football match on TV etc.

He returned to work 3 weeks ago full time this week. He was at the gym 2 week's after death and socialising which thought was a good thing. He hasnt been a hermit for 3 months nearly.

He has always been selfish but to a lesser degree but maybe I have just allowed it. The counselling has suggested I have beeb perhaps to passive in the relationship which I have. And I can see.

He doesn't want to sit and talk about anything really other than not coping without his mum.

I understand that but he appears present when he wants to be and not others.

As a silly example he's managing to buy himself new trainers etc. Ordering his protein for his gym etc.i can't fathoms the logic

He needs to pull his finger out OP. He may well be grieving but that doesn't excuse the behaviour- you can be sad without being so selfish.

He's the usual piss taker OP, if it wasn't his mother's death he would find another excuse not to participate in family life.
Most adults realise they will lose their parents at some point, most of them grieve but still carry on for their family (as they should)
His total lack of interest in YOUR childhood says it all, where is the support for you?

The lines in the fourth paragraph of your opening post about his using your primary age DD as an emotional crutch to the extent that she's sad and withdrawn - despite you asking him not to - are unforgivable.

Grief, like depression, sometimes causes people to behave in ways which certainly look odd and selfish observed from the outside, but even allowing for that he does not have any right to hurt his and your little daughter just because he wants someone else to be miserable or grieve with him - I wonder what he said and how he behaved while they were out at the graveyard without you.

There's no time limit on grief but there's no reason a father gets to call make his family miserable while expecting his wife to do everything for months on end.

Its vanishingly unlikely a mother would be supported to behave like a badly brought up 19 year old, playing their team sports with friends, going out drinking and to the gym, and doing nothing for their young children, while their husband carried the emotional and practical parenting and domestic load four months with no change in sight if she'd lost her dad.

Do you think he'd do for you what you're doing for him if your best friend or one of your foster parents died?

My counsellor suggested talking to him about my childhood so he could maybe understand why i am different with grief etc and harder than him.

He said he couldn't deal with it on top of everything and his anxiety etc

This is the bit I struggled with yesterday as she was so sad yesterday and that obviously made it more miserable for me and her. He doesn't see anything wrong with it and says she's learning with her grief I take the view her grief is very different to his and he shouldn't be projecting onto her.

Funnily enough my birth mother died last year very different as I haven't seen her for 30 years but he never once asked if I had any feelings etc or if ok. I think he expected me just to get on with it.

I remember you, his grief seems to be very selective. Yanbu and I would be preparing myself to leave in the medium term.

I wouldnt be looking to leave him if this was all brand new since the loss of his Mum, however if he was useless beforehand that's the issue. So in that case yes I would leave.

Some of it is new some of it isn't. I cannot sustain running on empty for months with absolutely nothing in return.

I am running house, working, life admin. Managing my illness. I don't get 5 minutes to myself and yet he seems to have a lot more free time because I allow it. I am sympathetic but us as a 👪 are present, I can probably get over my treatment should our children see it? Is it a good example I am thinking not. I don't believe it's anywhere near any normal form of grieving.

I am loathe to seperate our children have been through so much the past few months but I cannot also allow him to bring DD constantly into his grief it not the same and she was managing much better until yesterday