To ask how long I can keep going

[ManorHall7]

You may remember my previous threads regarding DH and grief. Mil passed away after 7 weeks in hospital up and over Christmas very beg of Jan. A lot of stress in itself those 7 weeks. DH had very intense relationship lived 5 minutes away phoned every day called in 5 6 times a week. Mil was not decripid old lady active social life etc. Lived alone after losing FIL 18 years ago. Been with DH over 20 years have two primary children. I have accepted and put up with being second to MIL for many years. I have a chronic health condition too

DH has been struggling since passing, moody, swearing, no patience etc with me and children some good days but more often than not its just miserable. However he is going to gym playing football and seeing his friends. I have been manning house and children for 4 months. He will help with some things in house not much, help with kids clubs. Only just gone back to work two weeks ago.
He has had 6 counselling sessions and us due more. He has bad anxiety and OCD not classic. I don't see a difference in him.

I had very bad childhood of which he knows very little, I was fostered in Kong term from age 11 I call these my parents. Real parents are both dead.This is relevant. He has never wanted to hear about nh childhood as he can't handle it etc

Yesterday I expected to be difficult understandably. However there was just a card from kids and we had to rush about for children's activities. My DD has been coping much better after struggling, she visited grave once with DH and was upset. Yesterday DH visited and asked both children to come I voiced concerns about upsetting DD and suggested he went alone this was ignored. DD came back very upset and was withdrawn and silent all day. I had the usual day washing cooking etc. I felt really sad that DH didn't even say or give me any acknowledgement for just running everything for the past few months almost single handedly. I have helped with funeral, mil paperwork and affairs.

This is petty I know but he does usually write a social media post for me and his mum, last night he said he just felt empty and didn't have anything to give. He isn't sure he is going to get through it etc. I had a throughly shit mother's day - I know not as bad as him.

I have been counselling which had been helpful but the things being suggested like talking to him etc he just won't engage. Counselling in some ways has opened my eyes a bit about how passive I have been and just put up with stuff.

I know grieving is process and never goes away but I just feel I am running out of anything to give. I try and be patient but I get absolutely nothing back from him at all, yesterday I just felt so hurt and sad for the children too that they see it. I fine it hard to sit and hear he doesn't think he can get through it when he has a family in front of him.

Is it too early to make decisions about our future ? I know i sound incredibly selfish but I am so battered now and running on empty

Yeah he's not being fair with some of these things. I wasn't like that at all 4 months ammeter losing my Dad. I mean, I wasn't like this within a week but I understand I went into machine mode which is also unhealthy.

When you posted previous times, especially the first time, I was definitely on your DH side as it was 2 weeks in. But the longer it's gone on and the more you post, it's unacceptable of him.

*after

Leave. Don’t allow your children to be bullied by him. He’s not going to change now, he seemed to be more invested in his mother than his marriage and his kids.

I am loathe to seperate our children have been through so much the past few months

Your children are learning that your relationship is how relationships should be. No matter how much you think things might be hidden from them, please bear in mind that they will learn everything about relationships from what they grow up in. We all do and have done. Although it may seem like a huge step to split up and for the children to have to live with one or other parent, living with two, one of whom is just there as a servant/nanny, is not at all a good life lesson. I'm not judging, I've been there.

My counsellor suggested talking to him about my childhood so he could maybe understand why i am different with grief etc and harder than him.
He said he couldn't deal with it on top of everything and his anxiety etc

He just isn't interested in you at all

As an aside, if you are having to have counselling about the effect your partner's behaviour is having on you, I really don't think sharing such information with that partner is a good idea. Thankfully in your case, OP, he wasn't interested. Some people can take what you share, perhaps appear to empathise at the time, and use it against you at a later date.

“He doesn't want to sit and talk about anything really other than not coping without his mum.”

^ Then nothing will get resolved. He doesn’t get to just not engage with issues that affected the whole family. It’s unbelievably selfish. He’s only able to do this because you are breaking your back doing everything else.

This along with not wanting to talk about your experiences and childhood- urgh - he just sounds horribly selfish and a massive taker.

Thing is people can have their own needs/grief/issues. That’s doesn’t mean they aren’t accountable for their actions- especially 3 months later.

I think this is what i am struggling with. I grew up with a alcoholic single father and no mother. Toxic environments and now I am doing it to my own children despite me trying it's just not working

If you had an alcoholic parent look up codependency OP.
This may be why you are in the kind of relationship you are with DH.

Lisa Romano's videos on YouTube may be of interest

I think from what my counsellor has told me DH and MIL had this relationship not healthy in many ways. Hence the extreme difficulty now

I see some similarity

There are certain things that family can't help with and best left to discuss with a counsellor. Someone who is impartial. I would imagine that is how your husband is seeing things after his bereavement.

I agree. My family have had the same experience. My brother was shattered when our mother died. However, in this instance there's a shed load of selfishness going on.

The world continues to turn, he still has a family who still need him. However, he was behaving badly before hand so nothing has changed.

If I were in your shoes I'd be considering my options, most of which wouldn't include him.

I am confused sorry ?

Let your husband discuss his own issues with his counsellor and you do the same with your counsellor too. Don't offload onto each other would be my advice.

We do do that. We don't discuss our sessions but I am certainly trying to heed some advice. Which is talking g to each other

Well we couldn’t face anything more than the barest nod to Mother’s Day this year - my mum died only in December. You are crackers if you were expecting a fuss beyond a card. It was an immensely painful day for us here. Do you see why it might be painful?

I know you have other issues and remember your last thread and my view was that he is taking the piss. but Mother’s Day - it’s hell when you’ve just lost yours. And I say that as somebody who is coping just fine overall.

He sounds awful op.
Sorry.

As I stated not a fuss just a small thanks or voice of appreciation as I am a mother too of his children. I am not denying it was hard and unbearable

;n