Mum making comments then saying 'don't tell DP'.

[seriesallday]

When I see my mum, she'll make comments, usually about my DC and then will say not to tell my DP because 'they'll only go on'.

So the other week we went to a party and dc had some lovely dungarees on. She's only 7 months. They were really nice, but comfy. When I saw my mum a few days later she said 'why wasn't she in a dress? I never see her in a dress! Don't tell your DP I've said that'. She'll whisper this as DP will be on the way in from the car.

Then yesterday we went for a meal and DP went to the car to get something. My mum then said 'why isn't DC playing with the toy I got her? I never see her with the things I get her. Where's the toys I got her?'. (My mum has probably bought her 2 small toys which dc does play with).
I said to my mum that I was rushing out of the house and just grabbed whatever was available.

Then mum says 'don't be telling your DP what I've said because they'll only go on'.

So I said to my mum 'maybe you shouldn't keep saying things to me that you want me to hide from DP because you clearly know it isn't ok'.

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable but it does irritate me that she does this. It's almost every time I see her now.

She knows her behaviour is unreasonable and doesn't mind you seeing it, but doesn't want anyone else to know how unreasonable she is.

Every time she does it, say 'I'm not going to keep secrets from my DP so don't tell me'.

Agree with the above. Tell her again and if she doesn't listen repeat directly to dp. She'll soon stop. There isn't an underlying issue with your dp being controlling is there?

Does your DP go on about things to you or your mother?

Maybe your dm has ingrained experience of women keeping stuff from their dp/dh. Her own relationship or her own dps maybe? It's hardly a big deal commenting on dungarees or toys so why really would your dp give a fig what she said??

I would tell her that anything she says will be repeated to your partner in the hope that she stops.

There are times when you can ask someone not to tell their partner but that's before someone knows the secret and they have a right to say no.

Mine does this - I think they know it’s wrong and you dh would have your back

it’s all silly sexist stuff you mum is doing - she hasn’t got enough going on in her own life

My dgm does this when talking about my mum. She's usually talking bad about her and knows it though so I can understand that

But it would baffle me if said about my DP or about those scenarios. Like why would it not be ok she has asked why dd isnt wearing a dress or playing with a toy?

So the other week we went to a party and dc had some lovely dungarees on. She's only 7 months. They were really nice, but comfy. When I saw my mum a few days later she said 'why wasn't she in a dress? I never see her in a dress! Don't tell your DP I've said that'. She'll whisper this as DP will be on the way in from the car.

"Why are you whispering? You need stop telling me nonsense then demanding secrecy. While we're at it, I'll dress my child however I choose so stop banging on."

If she persists, gather your DC & belongings, & leave.
It's the only way she'll realise you;re serious.

She's probably ridiculous rather than malicious, but she's asking you to join in a pathetic little schoolgirl conspiracy to exclude DP. You'll know better than PP what motivates that, I would suspect she's attempting to exercise some tiny dominance display, & is being a bit dim.

If all that's too much for you, just laugh full in her face & tell her to grow the fuck up.

Then mum says 'don't be telling your DP what I've said because they'll only go on'.

"There's only one person going one here mum & it's you. Why are you being such a giant child?"

I think your response was totally fair. I’d keep repeating it every time she does it until the message gets through. If it doesn’t, the next thing she says, bring it up with your partner in front of her :)

Is there history if a poor relationship between your DM and DP? Although your DM is being daft with the specific things she's saying, it could be an indication of something else. Possible that your DP would 'defend' you but also could be that your DP is unpleasant to her and she isn't expressing that well.

Does your DP 'go on' at her?

Does your DP 'go on' at her?

Yeah, sounds like she feels like she daren't say anything and feels criticized by the DP. Why else would she say that?

If all that's too much for you, just laugh full in her face

Do people really do this? Wouldn't you feel ridiculous and a little bit unhinged?

Sounds like she feels uncomfortable around your DP, does she feel he looks down on her?

Tell her that you have always told your partner what she says so if they aren't things she'd want them to know, maybe she should stop saying them to you.

Also point out that you actually don't appreciate her comments about your children any more than your partner does.

It doesn't seem like she's complaining about any actions of your partner. Shes just talking to you about things. She sounds nervous of him. Does she have cause?

Yeah that's it.

No, laughing at ridiculous people doesn't make me feel ridiculous.

How do you know it's sexist? OP hasn't said whether her partner is male or female.

Your OP doesn't specify sex. Are you a bloke and your partner the mum? I would be annoyed if my MIL criticised me not putting a baby in a dress. People keep buying my newborn DD dresses and they're so impractical I put them on, take a photo, then put her in a soft onesie.

That was my thought too.

Mil used to come out with sorts of sexist stuff and I would always tell dd just because she's a girl doesn't mean she can't do what her male cousins do, when mil would say things to dd like "little girls should wear pretty dresses" in a silly twee voice id do the same silly twee voice and say little girls can wear dresses, leggings, shorts or dungarees mil would take it as an insult.

Dd preferred cars to play with but she had dolls too, but a car would be the toy of choice to take out with her and mil would moan that she never sees her with a doll, and me saying something like "oh she likes cars at the moment" is me "going on" or being "feminazi"

Exactly

My mum and DP don't have a great relationship at times. Sometimes they get on fine. And if she said things like that in front of my partner, the response would likely be 'what's wrong with the dungarees we put her in?' Or 'she has loads of toys, she plays with them all, not just yours'.

At times they've definitely had words.
But this with my mum making comments has happened so many times.

I'm trying to think of more things. But a lot about the baby, what we dress her in, who is she spending time with, does she see PIL more than her, why isn't she wearing that thing I got her, why do you never put her in dresses, and then usually end in 'don't be telling DP I've said that'.

Some of the things she's said have really wound me up if they've been digs at DP which also happens, so I've said 'don't be calling DP and then ask me not to say anything. It isn't fair for you to do that'.

For example, my mum owns a house. I used to pay a hell of a lot of rent to my parents when I lived there as a teen. My brother wasn't asked to pay anything but I had to start paying when I was 15.

Then my dad passed away.
My mum said when she passes, the house will be left to my brother.
DP said that isn't fair and it should be left to both my brother and I because we're both her children. I told DP to just leave it because it's what I expected anyway.

My mum was then saying when DP wasn't there "why is DP saying that? Why has DP got to go on saying that about the house? It's got nothing to do with them. It isn't fair on your brother'. Then 'don't be telling DP I said that because you know what they're like, they'll just have something to say about it'.

Sounds like she’s worried because your dp calls her out on her shit and she doesn’t like it.

i always fully assume that if I tell someone something this also means I’m telling their partner too!