Mum making comments then saying 'don't tell DP'.

[seriesallday]

When I see my mum, she'll make comments, usually about my DC and then will say not to tell my DP because 'they'll only go on'.

So the other week we went to a party and dc had some lovely dungarees on. She's only 7 months. They were really nice, but comfy. When I saw my mum a few days later she said 'why wasn't she in a dress? I never see her in a dress! Don't tell your DP I've said that'. She'll whisper this as DP will be on the way in from the car.

Then yesterday we went for a meal and DP went to the car to get something. My mum then said 'why isn't DC playing with the toy I got her? I never see her with the things I get her. Where's the toys I got her?'. (My mum has probably bought her 2 small toys which dc does play with).
I said to my mum that I was rushing out of the house and just grabbed whatever was available.

Then mum says 'don't be telling your DP what I've said because they'll only go on'.

So I said to my mum 'maybe you shouldn't keep saying things to me that you want me to hide from DP because you clearly know it isn't ok'.

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable but it does irritate me that she does this. It's almost every time I see her now.

My mum said when she passes, the house will be left to my brother.
DP said that isn't fair and it should be left to both my brother and I because we're both her children. I told DP to just leave it because it's what I expected anyway.

Why is your partner telling your mother what she can do with her estate?

Sounds like he’s just sticking up for you, does she treat you differently to your brother a lot of the time?

Or she’s sticking up for you, sorry I didn’t realise you hadn’t specified.

Repeat to DP in front of her. She'll soon learn.

@InAnyOtherLife

I did say to DP that is isn't up to us to say who my mum leaves her house to in her will.
DP just thought it was unfair that I wasn't considered to be in it at all.
When my dad passed he left a few thousand pounds which was automatically claimed by my mum and brother so DP was saying that to her.

I did tell DP it was inappropriate and I would prefer if we would both just stay out of it.

She sounds like she says don't tell dp because she knows they will fall out .
Obviously some bitterness about inheritance. But nothing to do with your dp. If you have problems you should speak to your mum about it .
Your dp should never speak to her about it . Its crossing a line .
Just because you paid rent doesn't mean you have some claim to the house 🤣.
It all sounds super childish and that you don't have a very good relationship.
Maybe just avoid her if you want to control what she says.

Is your mum a nervous person? Feels like she isn't confident enough to own her opinions.

Unless your DP is very overbearing and opinionated, in which case your mum probably just wants a break from being a target.

Sounds as though there has been unfairness in the way you have been treated compared to your brother. The inheritance thing is weird. Unless there is a reason your db may be less able to support himself than you.

I'd start protecting myself, tell dm not to make secret critical comments. Not spend so much time with her where she has opportunity to criticise. Tell her it is hurtful that she treats you less favourably than your brother.

i always fully assume that if I tell someone something this also means I’m telling their partner too!

When I tell my close friends personal things, I expect it to stay between us. I never tell other people, including my husband, anyone else's private business because that would be massively betraying their confidence.
My husband and I are individuals with relationships separate to ours. We're not a joint entity that expects the personal business of others to be shared.

Agree. If I found out a friend was sharing things with their spouse that I told them in confidence, I wouldn’t want to be friends anymore. What my friends tell me is between them and me. If they wanted my DH to know, they would have said so or told both of us.

So I said to my mum 'maybe you shouldn't keep saying things to me that you want me to hide from DP because you clearly know it isn't ok'.

What does she say when you say this?

It sounds like your DP says what he thinks straight up and she doesn't like it. My DH is like this and i love it! The amount of PA bullshit i've grown up with from my mother kind of conditioned me into accepting a boat load of bullshit during practically every conversation with her - she literally makes stuff up and twist stuff about all the time. DH just always calls her out and contradicts her with a laugh, and i'm learning to do the same and it's life changing!

And by the way - surely it IS unfair for her to leave her house to just one of her kids! WTF is that all about??