To think it's possible to be both supportive and resentful?

[frizzeas]

Curious on other's opinions on this. Do you think it's possible to support someone in their job while also resenting the impact it has on family life, stress levels, etc?

Of course it is, depends totally on the person though and wether they can be supportive whilst also not making their feelings constantly known.

Yes definitely.

What about known sometimes?

I wrote a long post but it even bored me so decided to cut it down to the chase. But basically I have told DH a couple of times recently that I resent the stress his job puts on the rest of us and he seems to feel that is incompatible with me being supportive (I hadn't mentioned it in the previous 5 or so years so it's not a common occurrence....)

As @Coffeellama says. It depends how much you express your resentment but you can still do what is necessary to be supportive, by taking on a larger share of home admin, child care etc.

I think you wouldn't be human if it didn't frustrate you and you let it spill out on occasions. You can still do the practical supportive things.

Known sometimes is fair enough, he’s an adult and you are married so I don’t see why you should pretend. Seems like he’s manipulating you to shut you up though. You’ve let him no you are unhappy, and he’s turned it round to you being unsupportive so now you are second guessing and probably shutting up, while he remains the unsupportive one.

Thank you, yes, I am only human and I do make that point. This point aside, he is generally better at emotional support and I am generally better at practical support. I think it grates on us both when the other falls short on what we are better at, if that makes sense.

It's possible yes but not without consequences. I guess your question is probably for how long/much could you stay resentful and still love your OH.
If there was a defined end date, eg hes working abroad till September and you're essentially a single parent, I'd find that easier to handle. If it was more along the lines of 'till his ex wife gets on her feet' or 'whilst mums not good' 'hopefully it'll put me in line for a promotion when the new branch opens'....I'd fine that hard.
What's the reward? Do you feel it isn't worth the price?
For me, I think resentment would kill my relationship pretty quickly. If I'd made my feelings clear pretty quickly eg how tough, demoralising, lonely, frightening, exhausting (pick a few,) and they'd been minimised I'd get angry. I'd probably start to loath the very reward. No point having a beautiful new home whilst your marriage breaks down because your stuck with the kids.
If this support is for MH/addiction/prison I'd ask them to leave. The bulk of your support has already been given. Your 'support' will be remaining open to recognition.

Your feelings are valid and understandable.

Yes it's work rather than addiction/MH related. There's no defined end date but probably looking at a couple of years.

I should add that I don't resent him all the time, not at all. It's more specific moments when things are made particularly difficult - e.g. on a Sunday night he finds out he needs to be working away the next week, and I need to cancel or rearrange things that have been organised assuming he will be there. That's ok but then he comes home hugely stressed and tired, and I am also quite stressed and tired from unexpectedly doing everything by myself for a week (I'm actually pretty good at it - but it's still tiring!), and I don't have much left to give.

As a military wife....of course!!! Pain in the arse job, throws our life into disarray, but gives us security and is (mostly) fulfilling for DH, it's actually enabled me to progress my career for various reasons too (unusually perhaps) it's a bit like the "I love you, but I don't always like you" line....

I guess it depends how far the resentment goes though, there have been times I've wanted him to leave, but on the whole the pros outweigh the cons, when it reverses is when it'll be reconsidered.

Are you married to a lawyer or a member of the armed forces op? 😄. (No need to answer that!). I can very much identify with all the cancellations and enforced changing of plans! And the exhaustion at weekends.

Let's just say that I hear you and I know the problem and how it affects every single aspect of your life.The pressure feels like too much sometimes.

To answer your question, yes it is possible. I have "soldiered" on. No pun intended.

But at some point it dawned on me that the job was never going to change and there was no point in trying to appeal to him or change him. And at that moment the resentment took over. So then I had to make an active decision.

Speaking brutally, I had to make a decision inside myself whether he was worth it and whether I wanted to live like this or not, and whether or not to give up, or set about making a renewed effort to make a success of it, the latter involving an active decision to suppress resentment and make the best of things because I was clear in my mind it was my choice. Plus I made some fairly uncompromising changes about how I wanted to live my life while he was absent, which he has to put up with when he is back!

In my case, I decided that my DH was worth it. It's far from easy but nothing worthwhile ever is! Good luck 💐

I'm sure that's how DH feels about my job (lawyer).

I think your DH is in the wrong here. If you generally support him then you should be allowed to have a moan sometimes, when you are feeling fed up, and the two of you could think of something to make you feel a bit better.

It's not fair of him to expect you just to put up with it in silence.

Thanks for that @Sustainablesources765, I found your post really affirming - it's not military but sounds similarly erratic and unpredictable! My friends almost all have husbands working M-F 9-5ish and just can't relate at all - and I don't want to complain about it as we are financially more secure than many. I also think you've hit the nail on the head that I need to take a bit more ownership about how I want to live.

@frizzeas . I'd find that hard. That 'dangling', always expecting the unexpected. I guess another issue is where your resentment is focused. At your husband, at his employer or just occasional frustration where you blurt out I'm not putting up with this anymore. I suspect you get desensitised to this unnatural way of living. You're emotions are there for a reason. If you stop feeling that's a concern. If you ignore.....you've lost your reason.
If your having a particularly tough time now it's worth remembering this too will pass!

Gosh of course. My DFs husband is a high ranking police officer, she was a SAHM until recently. The job funded their lifestyle but both of them knew that it came at a cost. Her DH resented the shitty hours too.

Your DH is very immature if he doesn’t understand that people can have mixed feelings about things. I would be sitting him down and telling him how dismissive I found his behaviour, denying your experiences and your reality. You are not just a support animal there to meet his needs. You are allowed to have your own emotional experiences too.

Of course!

In fact, I would say that it’s the most significant type of support! To support somebody even when you find it very difficult is meaningful, you have to make an active choice to do it.

It’s easy to be supportive about things that don’t impact you at all, the alternative - and your reality - requires a conscious effort every day.

This.

It sounds very much like gaslighting to tell someone how they feel/ are/ what their words mean in order to manipulate them into the approved happy uncomplaining support human role.

Yes; I think I do this. I am resentful of DHs job and the impact on our family life and sometimes that causes arguments but the majority of the time I’m supportive and my actions in picking up the slack are certainly a show of support

To be fair to him, I don't think he's trying to do this. He genuinely seems to feel that if I don't support him emotionally then it negates the practical side. He has an unlimited capacity for emotional support I think - is all of his family and friends' go to for a listening ear, shoulder to cry on etc. I'm more the person who will drop off meals and babysit. If it's relevant I've generally had a much harder life than him so I am a lot more closed off emotionally.

Him being an unending emotional support to others does not sound like it is carrying across to you. Who is your emotional support when you speak out about normal resentments you are feeling. It really does sound like gaslighting of your experiences.

That’s a bit unfair of your dh I think. Love is a verb. Actions speak louder than words and all of that! He would soon notice the difference if you didn’t pick up the slack practically speaking. It sounds as though he either doesn’t understand or properly value how much you do when he is away, or how much the pressures of his work impact you negatively.

Yes - fair enough - he will provide unending emotional support to me about other matters but maybe not this one!

Definitely in the short to medium term. Something would have to change eventually though, resentment grows