AIBU to hate the phrase advising women to put on their "Big girl pants"?

[MeadowPippit]

I feel that this phrase is almost always used in a patronising manner and seems somewhat belittling to women.

Is it just me who dislikes this phrase?

Yes I find this phrase very patronising and would never suggest another woman should do anything of the sort. We know and understand the meaning but please don’t patronise me.

So do I. It really makes me cringe.

20 years ago I used to be on a US chat forum, iVillage, back then the phrase was used by women in a gentle self-deprecating way to say that they needed to face up to something or deal with an issue. Now it seems to be used in a harsher manner and towards another person, in a 'get a grip' sort of way.

Someone just said this to my husband. It’s his mother’s funeral today for goodness sake .

I don't agree. There comes a time in every woman's life when she needs to find the courage to step up to the plate. When I see threads where there are a million reasons why she can't, someone has to give her the push and say, it's time.

I say this about myself sometimes 🤷‍♀️ It doesn't offend me at all.

That's really insensitive @Sahara123 I'm so sorry.

In general though, I assumed the phrase had a US origin so it meant trousers, but does it mean underwear? That makes it more unpleasant. If used to a man, then it's blatant sexism to use girl in a pejorative way, as in " you throw like a girl", so that's another reason to dislike it.

Yeah it's irritating, but I guess maybe slightly encouraging, as in that person has it in them to do whatever they're struggling with.
But why does it have to be pants? It's cringey!

I think it depends on the tone. It can be said in an encouraging manner by way of support, but I agree that it seems to be taking on a more judgemental undertone, especially on MN. Still not as patronising as "use your words" though. If someone ever said that to me IRL I think I would have to "use my words" on them!

I don’t feel it is particularly used in a patronising way. If it is then the whole response has that tone. As with many phrases the tone of the rest of the post and sometimes the way a thread has gone colours weather and particular phraseit is patronising, aggressive or heartfelt and supportive.

Can you suggest a better phrase for the situation that the person needs to take control and do something difficult or that may make them unpopular?

I quite like it woman-to-woman used in a supportive way, but it can be used in more questionable ways.

So it doesn’t bother me but I will say I’ve never heard it directed at someone. The only times I’ve heard it used has been someone talking about themselves: “I needed to pull on my big girl pants” or something such like

It doesn’t bother me, it’s no worse than telling a man to man up or grow a pair.

I think it depends on how it is said and who is doing the saying!
My mom used to say this to me growing up whenever I was struggling with boys or GCSE's or just life. She always said it in a supportive way, it reminded me of "hold your head high", or "don't let them see you cry". Same sort of tone/point.
If a man said this I'm not sure how I would feel though? So I understand your point. I think it completely depends on the people and reason for using the phrase.

I’m not offended by it. I’ve said it to close friends and I’ve said it to myself. To me, it’s a gentle, light hearted way of taking a deep breath and steeling myself for something I don’t want to do.

Having said that, a funeral (or similar) is NOT a time when I’d use the phrase or expect to hear it. I’m talking about a job interview, a tricky meeting, minor operation etc.

It no way offends me but i think its in the same bracket as 'man up' and heaps of other annoying and pointless phrases

I use it a lot, to/about myself usually but sometimes others. I also say big boy pants to the males.

Its just means take a deep breath and get on with it and be an adult. Whether its making a phone call to the GP or putting flea treatment on a snarly beast.

That's actually pretty horrible as well though, telling a man to 'grow a pair.'

Saying 'get your big girl pants on' is not only patronising, it's actually a little bit pathetic as well. It's right up there with 'get your ducks in a row,' and 'no is a complete sentence,' and 'are you on glue?' and the condescending 'you sound so angry,' when someone is being passionate and vocal about something. 'You sound angry' is designed to shut women down, who dare to have a strong opinion, and who won't be silenced. So nasty and patronising and misogynistic.

The worse thing people say on here is the incredibly vile 'you sound unhinged,'

There are many other incredibly silly and unpleasant sayings on Mumsnet that should have been consigned to the history books some years ago.

@MeadowPippit YANBU.

I prefer to say you have to 'woman up'. Usually when someone has to do something difficult but necessary - all too often I see friends going for the path of least resistance and creating more work for themselves.

I find it a useful phrase to use to myself. But I agree it could be awful coming from almost anyone else. There are people who could say it to me but it’s close friends who I know are 100% on my side and don’t look down on me.

I agree. It implies someone struggling or asking for help is just being childish - it’s dismissive. And the language makes me cringe, same with grow a pair. I guess it depends what you think of as normal language.

I am not offended, just think it is an outdated and often overused phrase.

I use it sometimes and I mean it to be very patronising.

Only ever to MRA types when they're whinging about how unfair everything is while in total denial of male privilege.

"Pull up your big girl pants snowflake" effectively turns their arguments around and hits all their buttons at once.

The results can be quite spectacular.

I don't like it, never heard it IRL only on Mumsnet, stupid saying.

I've also never heard anyone IRL say about getting your ducks in a row either or are you on glue or even no is a complete sentence.

Condolences to you and your DH. for you both at this difficult time.