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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shared money

27 replies

ARangaupatree · 20/03/2023 05:47

I am struggling with a money situation with DP currently - and i need to understand whether I'm being controlling & unreasonable
First the backgound
DP and I have been together around 18 years, 1 Teenager.
DP has always earned less than me (dropped out of corporate world- did a job in fitness etc) before DS arrived we shared finances (unevenly).
Once DS arrived DP became a SAHP- wasn't really a mutual decision - made sense at the beginning (although DS was in nursery 3 days a week) - made some aspects of life easier (primary school/holidays etc) BUT wasn't what I wanted - DP is crap around the house (we've had a cleaner for much of the time) and can't won't cook other than basics - DP also needed a break and would do hobbies at the weekend or evenings and some work ( if necessary I paid for childcare). I always wanted DP to get a job/do more work- the argument was always that we may need childcare but there was no point sorting childcare until we knew what hours we needed
DS is now a teenager and childcare is totally not an issue anyway. DP still won't get a proper job and pays nothing into joint funds. DP doesn't think they spend very much - doesn't really buy many clothes etc or go out much (but spends a lot on food/drink /petrol etc) - but DP has access to joint account and joint credit card anyway.
So the issue is DP is doing some work - seasonal hobby like work - (involves working weekends mainly). DP is keeping all the money from this and thinks the money is their's to do what they like - so spent for example a couple of grand on sport equipment - no idea how much they have actually earned. Whilst i know in theory this could have been bought from joint money ( but would have needed a discussion) it just seems wrong. In the meantime DP continues to use joint money for things like mothers day presents, cash for general living expenses, petrol (even for driving to work etc) and even expects me to pay top up money for pensions etc from the joint account...

OP posts:
dietcokelime · 20/03/2023 05:53

Not okay at all!

"D"P is happy to take from the joint fund to fund their relaxed lifestyle, but not happy to finally contribute when they're actually earning something? He's taking you for a mug OP!

Start only putting enough into the joint account to cover bills and necessities (food shop) and keeping back all the extra for you in a separate account and cancel the joint credit card. If he's got a separate account this money is going into, it's only fair you do the same.

I'm sure he'll soon realise how ridiculous he is!

snitzelvoncrumb · 20/03/2023 06:22

I would open a new account he can’t access. Unfortunately you will have to pay all the bills, but DH can pay for his phone car and any other things he wants.

Fluffodils · 20/03/2023 06:24

Nah he's being a right cheeky one. Why isn't he putting his money in the pot!

Shoxfordian · 20/03/2023 06:25

He’s treating you like a mug

lady725516 · 20/03/2023 06:31

Gosh he really has been a kept man hasn't he.
I'm sorry op but this is really unfair on you. Surprised it has gone on this long. Please have a discussion and sort a more fair way of paying for things

BlueHeelers · 20/03/2023 06:43

If the sexes were reversed and the OP were a man, you’d all be calling him unreasonable. If the DP is a lazy man who doesn’t contribute (and I think he is) why is a SAHMother in this situation- and there are many of them - not also a selfish arse?

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 20/03/2023 06:45

DH did this. The scenario is so similar it could have been me who wrote the OP.

I stopped sharing my money with him as its him who doesn't want to share money. Works both ways.

snitzelvoncrumb · 20/03/2023 06:49

BlueHeelers · 20/03/2023 06:43

If the sexes were reversed and the OP were a man, you’d all be calling him unreasonable. If the DP is a lazy man who doesn’t contribute (and I think he is) why is a SAHMother in this situation- and there are many of them - not also a selfish arse?

It would be no different.

dietcokelime · 20/03/2023 06:49

BlueHeelers · 20/03/2023 06:43

If the sexes were reversed and the OP were a man, you’d all be calling him unreasonable. If the DP is a lazy man who doesn’t contribute (and I think he is) why is a SAHMother in this situation- and there are many of them - not also a selfish arse?

If the sexes were reversed and the OP was a man complaining about a SAHM to a teenager (which is not a SAHM, it's a lady of leisure!) who was happy to spend from the joint account but not contribute when earning the responses would be the same. If the SAHM was spending £££ on designer handbags whilst contributing zero money to the household and spending their husbands money people would still be calling them a CF!

EmmaDilemma5 · 20/03/2023 06:49

He's been using you.

Campervangirl · 20/03/2023 06:50

Is "D"p a man?
Not that it makes any difference.
However, this is Mumsnet, if your DP is male then he's a cocklodger but if DP is female then all money is family money and DP is entitled to share it equally 🙄
You're not controlling or unreasonable.
Your DP is taking the piss.
I agree with pps that you need a separate bank account to pay the bills and keep the rest for yourself and cancel the joint CC.
There's no reason why they can't work and contribute as your DC is a teenager.
If they were pulling their weight in the house and contributing financially when working then I'd maybe feel differently.
You're funding their easy lifestyle whilst picking up the financial slack.
What are you getting out of this relationship?
Personally I wouldn't work and support a partner who didn't want to contribute.
In fact I wouldn't be with someone who was so selfish

IncompleteSenten · 20/03/2023 06:57

Sahp is done by agreement. It isn't something one partner decides and insists on.

Your partner is taking the piss.

You've kept everything gender neutral in your post but it really doesn't matter you know.

It doesn't matter if you're a man and your partner a woman, or you're a woman and your partner a man or if you're in a same sex relationship.
Sahp should always be by mutual agreement.

It's time to tell your partner that you are fed up and they need to start contributing financially.

Grumpsy · 20/03/2023 07:08

Why is everyone convinced that DP is a man, I can’t see any reference to sex in the OP. Correct me if I’m wrong.

either way, regardless of whether DP is make or female, they are being unreasonable not the OP. They can’t have their cake and eat it, and they shouldn’t be not working in the first place if the decision wasn’t mutual.

MissEira · 20/03/2023 07:11

BlueHeelers · 20/03/2023 06:43

If the sexes were reversed and the OP were a man, you’d all be calling him unreasonable. If the DP is a lazy man who doesn’t contribute (and I think he is) why is a SAHMother in this situation- and there are many of them - not also a selfish arse?

Really depends what the sahp actually does.
OP says she doesnt clean, isnt tidy, doesnt cook 🤷🏻‍♀️ If youre a sahp 80% of all chores and housework/childcare should be done. Or more. On weekends the working parent should obviously pitch in too.

MissEira · 20/03/2023 07:12

OP says he* doesnt clean etc.

IncompleteSenten · 20/03/2023 07:13

Grumpsy · 20/03/2023 07:08

Why is everyone convinced that DP is a man, I can’t see any reference to sex in the OP. Correct me if I’m wrong.

either way, regardless of whether DP is make or female, they are being unreasonable not the OP. They can’t have their cake and eat it, and they shouldn’t be not working in the first place if the decision wasn’t mutual.

Because the assumption by many is straight female poster unless they state otherwise.

IncompleteSenten · 20/03/2023 07:15

MissEira · 20/03/2023 07:12

OP says he* doesnt clean etc.

Can you help me out. I've read the op several times and can't see the word he. Which sentence is it in?

mycatsanutter · 20/03/2023 07:22

Doesn't matter if the partner is male or female , he/she is taking the piss . Time to just transfer food/bills money into the account he has access too.

user1492757084 · 20/03/2023 07:23

Sit partner down and explain that it's great thet they have their own kitty and that now you have decided to have one too.
Every time DP puts money into their stash ask him/her to tell you the amount so that you can also put the exact same amount into your new account.
Remember to inform partner when ever you pay bills etc. They might have become ignorant.

Suggest also that you'd like to have six months where you are not the main earner. Swap and walk in their shoes and do a better job.

Doingmybest12 · 20/03/2023 07:47

This partner does not seem to contribute at home at all -there was nursery when child was tiny, there is a cleaner , can't cook /won't cook so not the same as SAHP where they fully contribute to the running of the home and it is a shared decision to have this lifestyle. You need to have a proper chat about how you want to live, the balance isn't right currently.

BlueHeelers · 20/03/2023 12:14

dietcokelime · 20/03/2023 06:49

If the sexes were reversed and the OP was a man complaining about a SAHM to a teenager (which is not a SAHM, it's a lady of leisure!) who was happy to spend from the joint account but not contribute when earning the responses would be the same. If the SAHM was spending £££ on designer handbags whilst contributing zero money to the household and spending their husbands money people would still be calling them a CF!

Show quote history

Oh good. That is reassuring - I'd made the assumption that we might have been less judgemental of a woman in this situation.

And I'm not being sarcastic at all - reassured to read your posts @dietcokelime and @snitzelvoncrumb

HermioneWeasley · 20/03/2023 12:16

What do you get out of this relationship, OP?

FfeminyddCymraeg · 20/03/2023 12:19

Male or female, they are taking you for a ride and you need to stop subsiding them.

There really are some CFs out there.

LemonTT · 20/03/2023 12:25

Stop putting money in the joint account. then split up and live independently.

Naunet · 20/03/2023 12:31

BlueHeelers · 20/03/2023 06:43

If the sexes were reversed and the OP were a man, you’d all be calling him unreasonable. If the DP is a lazy man who doesn’t contribute (and I think he is) why is a SAHMother in this situation- and there are many of them - not also a selfish arse?

Speak for yourself. If YOU have double standards, examine them, but don’t assume everyone else does.

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