To think that my inlaws really don't like me

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My dh and I have been together nearly 6 years and we have two young children. At first, I think things were fine with my inlaws as we were getting to know each other but in more recent years, I just feel like that don't like me and probably think made a bad choice getting together with me.

My inlaws and I are very different people. They tend to be very on the suface and will repress and play down any negative feelings or situations. I can't be like that and am more open with my feelings. I can't be fake and hide everything like they do.

I have long term, clinical anxiety disorders and neurodiversity. I often feel very ashamed about this in front of inlaws. I know they don't understand and I feel inadequate as their dil.

I am insecure in myself. However, I know it's not just that. Mil has made many comments. She's been cold and unfriendly at times. She thinks I'm controlling but what she doesn't recognise is that it's my anxiety that presents like that sometimes. Plus, she is mega controlling! There is a spiteful side to her and she can be hard. It's just little things like when had a horrible d&v virus that went on for over a week, we had to cancel inlaws comjng to us and when they replied, there was no, sorry to gear that, hope you feel better.
Mil also once called me a drip once just because I didn't want our baby son to be put on the back of their bikes.

There are many other examples.

How do I get through meet ups with the inlaws, knowing they don't they don't me?! Is it common for inlaws not to like their dil or sil?

Anyone?

I'm getting stressed over this tbh. It's getting to the point where I get nervous before seeing them and I'm already feeling uneasy before we see them next week. I can't avoid them but I'm not sure how to feel better about them either.

How does your anxiety and neurodiversity present? What do you mean when you say you’re more open with your feelings? It seems possible that they find you difficult and dramatic.

My FIL dislikes me too as I can feel and express and he can’t handle it 😄 I don’t see him anymore. DH takes the kids to see him sometimes but always comes away feeling uncared for and disappointed.

I'd expect your DH to step in if the are making personal comments. Other than that, you can't change who you are and you don't owe them the perfect version of a DIL they have on their head. You perhaps need to accept you are different people and won't get on that well, such is life but can be courteous to one another.

Try to limit how much you have to see them and deal with any actual rudeness in the moment when it happens. Ask your dh how he sees the situation and whether he can do some visits without you

Mil also once called me a drip once just because I didn't want our baby son to be put on the back of their bikes. I don't think many mums would be happy with that.

You gander it by not going.

*handle

How do you express your feelings? Do you have treatment for your anxiety? The reason I ask is that it can be incredibly draining to be around someone with anxiety, not the person's fault of course but it can suck the joy out of things. Often older people may not be so tolerant of it.Ultimately there isn't anything you can do about them disliking you, they may well feel their child could have done better. Maybe he could have but ultimately you are the dil they have and they should at the very least be respectful to you. I would not stand for name calling.

I've learnt that there are times I need to take one for the team so I turn up at births, deaths, weddings and religious celebrations. I don't do weekly visits anymore, working weekends helps but drop in a phone call once a week to share how the kids are getting on and to enquire about my mil's health.

This sounds like my MIL, the best thing is to cancel her from your life.

Limit how much you see them. Tell your DH that you can’t cope, and you will only see them occasionally.

My MIL has disliked me since the day she met me. She plays a lot of mind games with me and DH and I call her out on her BS and she hates it.

Apart from childcare arrangements (very limited and over school holidays), I just don't see her. Try to limit time together as much as possible.

She's a fantastic grandmother thankfully it think we would all be NC by now.

I'd accept the fact and let your DH deal with them.

Not everyone can get along, I'm a quiet person who doesn't gush, you might think I repress my feelings and possibly from what you say I might find you a bit much. Like a pp I might find an anxious person tricky to get on with in the same way you would find my laid back approach to life totally unfathomable and might make you even more anxious

I'd just be polite and only see them when necessay

It's more common than you think. I don't think MIL likes me much either but I just remain courteous and remember to remain kind in front of her DGC. I often leave DH to do visits but will occasionally go over. Before getting married, my parents had them over for a meal. My DM asked what she thought of me and MIL responded with "she's different".

Cheers!🤷

My MIL is like this too - been with my DH 27 years and it's got worse as she's aged. She's recently upset our DD and we went low contact for months, saw them recently and no apology, it was cold shoulder like we'd done something wrong .. typical.it annoys me that none of the family say anything yet they all know - I'm seen as a bad person because I do stand up to her somewhat - I'm sick of her, she has very few friends left and her family all dislike her too - people avoid her.
I'd say do as much as you can to avoid. If they're rude, say welll that was rude/unnecessary etc. If you're uncomfortable with how they're treating your baby, just say no I'm not comfortable with this, if they say 'drip' again just say well that's very rude, I just want my baby to be safe
Good luck!

Sometimes people dont like you and that's okay because do you like everyone you meet I dont. If however you feel they are being rude or disrespectful then ask your DH to speak to them about it and explain it hurts your feelings. Try not to project as if someone cancelled on me as they were unwell I could forget to then ask how they were but it wouldn't be because I was pissed I just forget the small talk sometimes and I would be way happier with d&v that you did cancel. Self esteem is a hard thing to nurture but of you get it right you dont need the external validation of someone else liking you. Try to focus on building up your self esteem so your kids can see their Mum not giving two fucks what granny and Grandad think and in time when you feel confident enough start asserting yourself without feeling guilty about it as you shouldn't.

Be polite and be your best self.
Tell your husband how you feel so that he understands when you take a walk outside or need an extra smile.
Ask your husband to nicely but immediately respond to his mother should she be obviously rude to you in his presence.
Cut back on the interaction a little. Take time to yourself sometimes when MIL is playing with kids etc.
Realise that you having a good or bad day doesn't depend on MIL. Ignor uncomfortable times and make your own happiness.

I am sorry you’re going through this. The first thing I would do in your shoes is to get more help for your anxiety because it makes situations like these ten times worse. It’s entirely possible that your in laws don’t think very much about you one way or the other, but you are clearly taking to heart a lot of real or perceived sleights. You say they are all on the surface as though it’s a bad thing, but they may see that as being polite and considerate. You’re not in a therapeutic relationship with them and displaying all your emotions is quite likely to make them feel uncomfortable. My mother has GAD and is very controlling. I accept and understand that she cannot help controlling behaviour and I try to be understanding but it is very difficult not to become frustrated by her inflexibility, constant questioning, and neediness, and yes, her paranoia that people don’t like her, or are jealous of her, or that we have to be perfect to the outside world. Ultimately, you can’t change them. You can only change your behaviour toward them. Let your DH take your kids to his parents alone, or go for a shorter visit, or have a doughnut visit where you go in for a bit, go and do the shopping or something, and come back for half an hour at the end. You both have the same goals - you both want their son and their grandchildren to be happy, so you do at least have that in common.

Well, if the incident about the bike is a typical example l would say its not you it's her. You were 100% right not to let her take your baby on a bike if you were not comfortable with it. Thats not anxiety but common sense. So instead of worrying whether she likes you or not just decide she is not the easiest woman and you are not doing anything wrong. Most families have found a way of getting along in spite of annoying behaviour like your mils and then a new person comes along and adjustments are needed.
She doesn't have to like you but you don't have to like her either. Just both be respectful to each other and not get very involved with each other.. l wouldn't share anything personal about your anxiety with her and just keep to topics that are very neutral.

They tend to be very on the suface and will repress and play down any negative feelings or situations. I can't be like that and am more open with my feelings. I can't be fake and hide everything like they do.

It's not fake to manage ones feelings in a different way from you. Others manage their anxiety in exactly that way, by playing things down and and trying to tell themselves that a situation is okay.

I'm sorry you find yourself in a situation where strategies clash, but if you attempted some empathy instead of calling them 'fake', in the same way that you want empathy from them, it would be a start.

But yes, there is your DH in these situations? My DH would never have let his parents call me a drip.

Honestly I would try to reframe this and find it funny. If she called me a drip i would laugh and say “ I am a drip for safeguarding my child! You are silly sometimes!” And just humiliate her literally stupid responses with laughter

you don’t have to like your in laws and they don’t have to like you, but you can choose how you respond to their nasty behaviours, and sometimes humour is the best response in my experience. It just takes the sting out of unpleasant comments and prevents you looking like the instigator of arguments if you raise it seriously.

Mine don't like me either. I'm quite different from the ILs and have been told that they don't like me because I'm shy and don't fit into their family 🙄
I've taken a step back. I don't go to every family gathering like I used to. I'm still friendly and civil but I no longer have to see them every weekend.

Can you talk to your husband/partner about this? Just be courteous and polite to them. I'm sorry it's hard for you. You don't have to change yourself to fit their mould.

My inlaws and I are very different people. They tend to be very on the suface and will repress and play down any negative feelings or situations. I can't be like that and am more open with my feelings. I can't be fake and hide everything like they do.

I think this is quite a telling paragraph.

A lot of people aren’t comfortable expressing negative emotions and thoughts at the drop of a hat and there may be perfectly sound reasons for that.

They may be struggling with internal stuff which you don’t know about. It’s not necessarily “fake”, it’s a coping strategy. People deal with these things in different ways.

Dealing with people who have anxiety can be incredibly draining and can suck the fun out of day to day life. I understand this is difficult for you but actually creating a buffer zone between your inner feelings and your interaction with them is not a bad thing. It sounds like you don’t really trust them so why would you want to open up to them anyway?

All this said they do sound hard work and the comment about the bike was unpleasant. You need to try to limit the kinds of interactions you have which could lead to your being pressured into situations like this.

But I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect them to tolerate anxiety and negativity dominating everything just because that is where your head is at. That’s not fair on them.

Honestly I think you just need to see as little of them as possible.

Can you elaborate further on how your anxiety presents as Controlling? How does your ND present. What are they seeing and do they understand the situation fully? What help are you getting for your anxiety?

Pretty sure my (widowed) MIL doesn't really like me & thinks my husband could have done better. Snippy comments & all sorts. I find we get on best when we don't talk. 😁 It's been 20+ years now. The first 10 or so were quite difficult with the children being little, but it's got easier as they've got older & liaise with her directly about meeting etc. The real watershed was when I stopped caring or making an effort 🤷‍♀️.