To think that my inlaws really don't like me

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My dh and I have been together nearly 6 years and we have two young children. At first, I think things were fine with my inlaws as we were getting to know each other but in more recent years, I just feel like that don't like me and probably think made a bad choice getting together with me.

My inlaws and I are very different people. They tend to be very on the suface and will repress and play down any negative feelings or situations. I can't be like that and am more open with my feelings. I can't be fake and hide everything like they do.

I have long term, clinical anxiety disorders and neurodiversity. I often feel very ashamed about this in front of inlaws. I know they don't understand and I feel inadequate as their dil.

I am insecure in myself. However, I know it's not just that. Mil has made many comments. She's been cold and unfriendly at times. She thinks I'm controlling but what she doesn't recognise is that it's my anxiety that presents like that sometimes. Plus, she is mega controlling! There is a spiteful side to her and she can be hard. It's just little things like when had a horrible d&v virus that went on for over a week, we had to cancel inlaws comjng to us and when they replied, there was no, sorry to gear that, hope you feel better.
Mil also once called me a drip once just because I didn't want our baby son to be put on the back of their bikes.

There are many other examples.

How do I get through meet ups with the inlaws, knowing they don't they don't me?! Is it common for inlaws not to like their dil or sil?

Nobody’s ever going to like everyone they meet. Three of our children have partners, we love two of them and find the third difficult. That means we see one of them less frequently and for shorter periods. Stopping caring or making an effort is excellent advice, it makes it easier for everyone.

Your mother-in-law might well be neurodivergent herself for all you know.
She has a different perspective on things from you and and you don't have to take it to heart. Don't let it diminish you and your confidence. You make the decisions you're happy with as regards child safety etc and stick by them (make sure your husband sticks by them too, especially when you're not there. Sorry, don't want to give you more anxiety!)

One strategy that might help is to plan get-togethers with your differences in mind:

You need somewhere to escape to if you feel overwhelmed or criticised. You can go upstairs if you're at your home, or off to the car or garden to 'make a phone call' or whatever you want to call it. Arrange a code word with your husband so he knows how you're feeling and can enable a preagreed strategy.

There needs to be an agreement on events beforehand, to avoid any impromptu 'put a baby in the back of the bike' suggestion. Not so much rules (which can generate anxiety if broken and come across as controlling), as a plan for the day that keeps you all positive and more relaxed. Try to imagine a good outcome for the visit and work out what measures you can put in place to make it happen.

Maybe there are things that your mother-in-law feels positive about that you could focus on to engage her a bit more. Don't fret if it doesn't work.

Lots of us are getting by with massive anxiety issues. Well done to you for keeping your life and family running well most of the time. You're a quiet hero.

Your MIL sounds a lot like mine, and I am a lot like you from what you describe. I don’t have to try and read between the lines with my in-laws because they have told me multiple times they do not like me, MIL also says very spiteful things.
Ive always made sure DH is aware of what she has said, and drew his attention when she was being snidey. He then noticed it more himself.
We don’t see them anymore. DHs choice thankfully, because I don’t think I could’ve taken much more of it. You need DH on board with how you feel.
I know we can’t like everyone and everyone cannot like us. But when people can’t be polite about it, it really chips away at you. Especially when you are already suffering from poor mental health.

Thank you for everyone's comments and replies.

My dh and I are totally on the same page when it comes to his parents so that's good.

I know my anxiety can sometimes present as needing controlling and because I am very aware of this, I try to not let this effect those around me too. However, I know that some control is normal and justified, especially when it comes to my children. Inlaws don't like it if we tell them things we think they should know if they're taking the grandchildren out. Our eldest has special needs and because they don't take him out that regularly, we feel they need to be aware of what to be minsful of.

Just to give another example, when our eldest was a baby, they looked after him one afternoon. When we brought him home, we went to clean his bottle and noticed the milk had a funny smell. Dh rang his mum just to ask her to check her milk in the fridge that it hadn't gone off... her response was to get annoyed abd slam the phone down. Dh couldn't have been more casual and polite about it but his parents just can't handle being told about anything.

Tbh I don't think they particularly like dh much either. They definitely favour his sister and show it too.

In the last few days, I sent them a message to explain our difficulties as a family recently and my mental health problems too. This followed a disagreement dh had with them over their lack of contact and other things (they don't live near us). They didn't even acknowledge or reply to me. I just think that says they don't like me.

Maybe they don't like you or maybe you're just projecting as it makes it easier to justify being rude to them. With the way you describe them your contempt for them is fairly clear.

Why are you messaging them about your mental health problems?
For whatever reason (maybe they have their own shit to deal with!) they don't have the capacity to deal with you right now.
You already explained they find you controlling and overly expressive of your feelings - I just don't understand why you thought this message was a good idea?

I'm not sure it was a good idea to send them that tbh

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Is it common for in laws not to like their dils.

Yes! It's how I found mumsnet because my Mil was literally destroying my life and every precious moment in it.

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Please don't send them anything else. They will probably use this as ammunition agaisnt you. However you can chalk this down to at least trying.

@JoinTheClub966.. In my experience and over a decade on here I notice that most Mil issues come because Mil is over bearing, though less and selfish.

Anyone tyring to reason with such a person won't get anywhere! It's doomed to fail so don't worry.

If she was kind compassionate and caring you wouldn't be in this spot.