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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you do in this situation (trigger warning mentions death)

39 replies

666roses · 19/03/2023 19:27

Me and DH have been married almost 30 years and his grandfather (mother's side) passed away on Thursday, he is very low contact with his mother and don't really speak now at all, DH has a younger brother who is single but has adult children.
Mil wants us to help pay for the funeral but she isn't contributing.
She phoned and said the funeral will cost around 4k, their is 1.5k in grandfather's bank account and his grandfather brother said he can give one thousand, my mil wants us to pay the rest of around 1.5k
My husband has been out of work since an injury and he really doesn't have that kind of money, I how ever have quite a bit of an inheritance left but we are soon to be making a large purchase, I don't mind lending the money but mil wants us to give the money, DH said no way as it's from my relative and it shouldn't be used to pay for his mother's father's funeral.

Mil said she has no money at all and bil isn't helping either so it will all be down to me and this other family member, I feel awful as if I do not give this money then it will be a closed funeral where no one can go.

I'm not sure what to do but I'm 90% sure I won't be giving this money that my relative worked bloody hard for to mil, but how do I say no without causing her distress as I'm sure she is relying on us.

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 19/03/2023 19:30

If mil is taking responsibility for the funeral and is on a qualifying benefit, then she could look at claiming a DWP funeral grant. they may still look at whether other close relatives can pay but not sure a grandchild would count as close ?

Babyroobs · 19/03/2023 19:32

Or does the grandad have a house that is going to be sold as funeral directors may wait to be paid out of the estate. Or you may be able to pay in installments.

GabriellaMontez · 19/03/2023 19:32

Tell her you're not in a position to do that. Sorry. Not everyone has 4.5k.

Someone may be upset. But it's not for you to fix.

babasaclover · 19/03/2023 19:34

Just say you don't have that money spare. Don't try and justify as to why, you are an adult and don't have to. she's not gonna aK
To see your bank balance, and if she does then f that

Babyroobs · 19/03/2023 19:35

GabriellaMontez · 19/03/2023 19:32

Tell her you're not in a position to do that. Sorry. Not everyone has 4.5k.

Someone may be upset. But it's not for you to fix.

Op's not being asked to pay 4.5k.

Original poster
666roses · 19/03/2023 19:35

The grandfather didn't have his own home so no estate and mil does not qualify for any help either. DH did tell mil that she may be able to pay in installments but she doesn't like debt !!!!!

OP posts:
TheFlis12345 · 19/03/2023 19:36

Why is your DH low contact with MIL? What is her financial position? And how was his relationship with his grandfather?

Can’t really give a POV without knowing those things.

Lookingforwardtothesummer · 19/03/2023 19:36

You should not give this as you can't afford to lose it, OP.

picklemewalnuts · 19/03/2023 19:37

You can do a direct cremation for about £1500, and a service in a church or hall.

There are better ways to mark it than going into debt.

Babyroobs · 19/03/2023 19:37

666roses · 19/03/2023 19:35

The grandfather didn't have his own home so no estate and mil does not qualify for any help either. DH did tell mil that she may be able to pay in installments but she doesn't like debt !!!!!

Oh dear. No -on likes debt but sometimes it's unavoidable. I have a friend who had to put her mil and fil's funerals on a credit card and pay off as her dh couldn't.

Piffle11 · 19/03/2023 19:39

picklemewalnuts · 19/03/2023 19:37

You can do a direct cremation for about £1500, and a service in a church or hall.

There are better ways to mark it than going into debt.

Agree.

A 'full' funeral may be what MIL wants, but if the funds aren't there for it, then direct cremation may be the way forward.

PillBoxes · 19/03/2023 19:39

Offer something towards it as a gesture of goodwill rather than refusing outright. Say £100 or whatever you might think is reasonable. Say you are happy to help out, but that is all you can afford right now. Even if a loan is accepted I doubt it would ever be paid back TBH.

The response will tell you all you need to know. A scaled down funeral which will be nonetheless reverent and dignified might be a decision to be made by MIL as she is presumably NOK.

Original poster
666roses · 19/03/2023 19:41

Mil was not the best and decided to only contact DH when she wanted things, not sure on her financial position as we have had to take her word on what was in the bank account and her pleading poverty, due to their relationship it must of taken a lot for her to come and ask me so I do think she is telling the truth.

OP posts:
Toooldtoworry · 19/03/2023 19:43

'I'm sorry we're not in a position to help' would be my response, rinse and repeat as required.

GlassBunion · 19/03/2023 19:44

Just say that you can't afford it.

Direct cremation is the way forward here.

MichelleScarn · 19/03/2023 19:44

666roses · 19/03/2023 19:41

Mil was not the best and decided to only contact DH when she wanted things, not sure on her financial position as we have had to take her word on what was in the bank account and her pleading poverty, due to their relationship it must of taken a lot for her to come and ask me so I do think she is telling the truth.

Or she's just money driven and doesn't want to pay herself?

GabriellaMontez · 19/03/2023 19:45

Babyroobs · 19/03/2023 19:37

Oh dear. No -on likes debt but sometimes it's unavoidable. I have a friend who had to put her mil and fil's funerals on a credit card and pay off as her dh couldn't.

Show quote history

Yes. Perhaps the MIL should put it on a cc.

LakeTiticaca · 19/03/2023 19:46

Nobody needs to pay 4.5 grand for for funeral, especially someone who claims to have no money. I would just be saying no, our finances wonr stretch to a any contribution x

GabriellaMontez · 19/03/2023 19:46

Babyroobs · 19/03/2023 19:35

Op's not being asked to pay 4.5k.

Show quote history

Not everyone has 1.5k.

Original poster
666roses · 19/03/2023 19:47

MichelleScarn · 19/03/2023 19:44

Or she's just money driven and doesn't want to pay herself?

Show quote history

I know she is careful with money but never seems to have any spare, but we are really not sure of her financial situation so we can only take her word on it.

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 19/03/2023 19:50

My response would be that unfortunately our financial position makes a contribution of £1.5k impossible.

Hbh17 · 19/03/2023 19:50

If she can't afford a £4.5k funeral, then she will have to have a cheaper one, as mentioned. This bill is not your responsibility, and I would not be offering any money, either as a loan or a gift.

AntiHop · 19/03/2023 19:55

I would absolutely not be paying it in your financial situation.

Peachy2005 · 19/03/2023 20:08

They need to have a cheaper funeral, that seems pretty obvious. Why does she even presume you have this money? Has somebody spilled the beans about your inheritance?

It needs to be a hard no from your DH as it’s his family and he’s out of work: then see what arrangements they come to amongst themselves. You shouldn’t sacrifice your financial security to line the pockets of the funeral directors.

Peachy2005 · 19/03/2023 20:09

…and definitely don’t make any mention of a loan!

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