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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I stop contact..

27 replies

emilia442 · 19/03/2023 14:34

Hi,
So, this is quite difficult to post.. I very recently gave birth to my son. He is almost 2 weeks old.

I’ve known the father for a number of years, and we’ve had a quite complicated relationship. As I was younger I was naive to what was going on, I feel embarrassed to say he has been in trouble with the police for various things over the years: drugs, gang related, weapons, fighting..

I found myself in a situation where I was pregnant and terrified. I decided to go through with having my son which I am so thankful I did. Me and his dad are not together, but his dad was good to me whilst I was pregnant and helped me out, I guess I believed he had changed or he had matured. I expected to be doing most of it alone, and I felt like he was stepping up and I was grateful and pleasantly surprised about his support.

I gave birth, he was there, we don’t live together, but he has spent time with his son every day since I gave birth. I was wrong he hadn’t matured, and I’ve found out he is still very much involved in things.

I know you may read this and think I am stupid. I think I am stupid myself, but now with the baby I want to do the right thing. I don’t want to put my son in danger, I don’t want to put myself in danger.

SS are coming to visit me, I’m just mortified. The lady I spoke to on the phone was nice, she told me not to worry, there’s just a few things to chat about.
I know that my sons dad is the issue, and his police involvement Is the reason for the visit.

AIBU to cut off contact with dad now ? What are his rights ? Is it unreasonable to let his dad see him and then take it away ? I just don’t know.

OP posts:

Cloudhoppingdancer · 19/03/2023 14:49

I would wait and see exactly what their concerns are. Ask them exactly what they want to see you doing to allow them to close the case.

Ordinarily I would think yes, cut contact, but your son only has one father so it might be worth waiting to see what SS requires. At the same time, you need to end any emotional inconvenient with him yourself as he sounds a right bad un as you know.

If SS advise distancing yourself, do it quickly and decisively.

BevMarsh · 19/03/2023 14:51

I agree with pp.

Sharkpenis · 19/03/2023 14:56

I was in a slightly similar situation.

Dont put him on the birth certificate for now. Then he has no rights and it gives you time to figure everything out whilst keeping your son safe. Id cut contact for now. You can reinstate it when you know everything.

Azandme · 19/03/2023 14:57

See what SS have to say, and be guided by them.

Brieandme · 19/03/2023 15:27

Social services won't automatically want you to cut contact with his dad. It's what people often assume SS want but its usually more nuanced than that. They'll usually want to know that you're aware of what the risks are, and whether both of you (because it's on him, not just you) can protect your son from whatever his criminal activities are.

If it's gang related they may well be worried about him bringing trouble to the door, eg if he crosses the wrong people are they likely to target you/his son? If so they may want you to keep some distance from him but it's not necessarily the same as cutting him off completely.

Try not to panic and be prepared to listen to what they say.

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 19/03/2023 15:45

Is he on the birth certificate op?

Hesma · 19/03/2023 15:52

I would also wait and see what SS have to say. Do you have a trusted friend or family member who could be at the meeting with you? I don’t want to sound patronising but two weeks post partum you are probably tired and emotionally vulnerable and if it were me I’d want some support. Good luck OP.

Original poster

emilia442 · 19/03/2023 17:26

I have not registered the birth yet so there is an option to not put him on the birth certificate. To be honest I hadn’t even considered that.

No it’s not patronising to say at all. I’m tired, adjusting to this new life and to be honest absolutely shitting myself about the whole situation. I have a sister who I think would be good to sit in with me if that’s something that’s possible, again I wasn’t sure if that kind of thing is allowed.

OP posts:

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 19/03/2023 18:13

Thank goodness op.
Take any advice given by ss. Assure them that your dc's safety is your prior.. Seeing his df isn't essential.

Divorcedalongtime · 19/03/2023 18:19

Similar story, My children’s father who I’ve been divorced from over 10 years is currently in prison for drugs and violence and SS agreed that future contact will be only for example meeting for lunch in a public place.

Cloudhoppingdancer · 19/03/2023 18:41

Look after yourself op.

Original poster

emilia442 · 19/03/2023 19:28

Can I just ask some extra advice ? Not putting him on the birth certificate ? Would he be aware of that? Can he be added on?

OP posts:

Brieandme · 19/03/2023 19:30

@emilia442 you'd be fine to have your sister with you, SS are usually keen to see that you have support. It's possible that there may be things they can't discuss in front of her, but as long as you're prepared for her to step out of the room briefly if that's the case then it's fine. That'd usually only be if there's information about him that they have and can share with you.

CymruChris · 19/03/2023 19:44

My advice would be to speak to social services, see what their concerns are and also voice your own concerns. Be open with them. They will want to support you and ensure your child is safe.

Try to look after yourself too...I imagine you're exhausted both physically and emotionally!

GoldDuster · 19/03/2023 19:45

emilia442 · 19/03/2023 19:28

Can I just ask some extra advice ? Not putting him on the birth certificate ? Would he be aware of that? Can he be added on?

You do not have to put him on the birth certificate when you go to register the birth. He won't be notified of this.

If you do put him on, he will have parental responsibility for your child, and this can not be undone.

He can be added to the birth certificate down the line, either by a court order if he pursues this, or by a declaration you make. Given the situation this is absolutely the preferable route, don't put him on, he can always make moves to be added down the line, but once it's done it can't be removed.

Try not to worry about SS, listen to them, they'll be absolutely up for you having your sister in the meeting, they will be glad you've got her support.

Try not to panic.

SnackSizeRaisin · 19/03/2023 19:47

emilia442 · 19/03/2023 19:28

Can I just ask some extra advice ? Not putting him on the birth certificate ? Would he be aware of that? Can he be added on?

As you are not married, if he wants to be on the birth certificate he would have to go with you to register the baby. So if he's aware of that rule, he will know he's not on it as he will know he didn't attend the appointment at the register office (within 6 weeks of birth I think). There's no way for him to be added without your knowledge.

Sharkpenis · 19/03/2023 19:50

No he won't know he isn't on the birth certificate.

You can still claim child maintenance without him on the birth certificate if you need the financial help.

He can be added on the birth certificate later, or be given parental responsibility by court order. Its pretty easy to put him on at a later date. But really difficult to take him off if you put him on there, almost impossible.

SnackSizeRaisin · 19/03/2023 19:51

SS want to know that your baby will be safe. It sounds like that is your priority too so you should be on the same page. I would definitely have someone you can trust with you for support.

HowcanIhelp123 · 19/03/2023 19:52

emilia442 · 19/03/2023 19:28

Can I just ask some extra advice ? Not putting him on the birth certificate ? Would he be aware of that? Can he be added on?

Honestly, not putting him on is best at this point. Register without him, give baby your surname. You don't need to tell him you haven't, he won't be notified.

If he finds out he can take you to court to be added, but you'll get the option to give your side of why you don't want him on it. You can tell the court about his involvement with unlawful things, if he has priors around drugs you may be able to ask them to have him to do drug tests.

If you don't put him on he can be added later, if you add him you can't take it back. He'll have parental responsibility EQUAL to you. He could take baby from you and police would do nothing, you'd have to go to court to try get baby back. You'd have to get his permission to move, take baby on holiday, medical stuff, schooling.

ShellsOnTheBeach · 19/03/2023 19:58

Don't put him on the BC.
Apply for maintenance if he has a regular, verifiable income.
Have your sister with you for the SS visit.
Cooperate with SS.
SS can advice you how to handle baby's dad.

Original poster

emilia442 · 19/03/2023 20:34

Ok thanks for this. I think it’s definitely the right thing to do not putting him on the birth certificate.
I imagine when he finds out he will be unhappy, but I guess his happiness is not what’s important right now.

He is also unaware at the moment about the social services visit? In all honestly I wasn’t going to tell him, I wanted to hear what was said and have time to process it without him trying to get in my head or change my mind about things.

It’s tough- this is not what I envisioned happening, but equally I have a beautiful baby boy and I wouldn’t change that for the world. Thank you for your kind words and advice !

OP posts:

Toooldtoworry · 19/03/2023 20:43

emilia442 · 19/03/2023 20:34

It’s tough- this is not what I envisioned happening, but equally I have a beautiful baby boy and I wouldn’t change that for the world. Thank you for your kind words and advice !

I think you've done the right thing. You've got this!

RealSavage · 19/03/2023 20:57

Be honest with SS...they will advise.
It may go to supervised contact.
If you don't put him on the BC you are buying time...but it's pretty inevitable.
I would be cautious about going no contact without talking to SS...parental alienation is a strong argument in court if he decided to go that way and it's a point of law to argue a case on.
Generally the court would frown upon it and want to see he's been given every chance.SS will also want him to have some sort of contact,I suspect.
I spent ten years trying to protect my son in a similar situation to yours,and I played for time until my son was old enough to not be so vulnerable and able to decide for himself...contact was mostly supervised.
As it happened,when contact was regular,the sperm doner behaved in such a way that resulted in a no contact order anyway,which is very very rare.
Not trying to scare you,I'm trying to say be balanced here,and be aware that denying any kind of contact can have you painted as the bad guy pretty quick.

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 19/03/2023 21:11

You can also still claim cms without him being in the bc. He can apply to court to be added.

Doubtful he will bother..

Original poster

emilia442 · 19/03/2023 21:25

Should I be thinking about claiming cms now ? Genuinely haven’t even thought of it. There’s just so much to consider

OP posts:

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