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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to complain to the school about a sexual assault 5 years ago?

28 replies

pingpongping · 19/03/2023 02:01

5 years ago (actually almost 6 now) my DD made an allegation to a teacher at secondary school that an older pupil had taken advantage of her.

She had just turned 13 and he was 15. She said he forced her off the bus to a local park and kissed her and touched her inappropriately.
The first I heard about it was when I was called in for a meeting with the safeguarding lead to reassure me that there was no touching under the clothes and that the boy would be spoken to. It was implied that DD had perhaps done something she'd regretted and that this was all unfortunate but nothing to really worry about.

My DD would not talk about it with me and I never really knew whether it was because she was traumatised/ embarrassed or if she had exaggerated and didn't want to keep bringing it up.

So I took my lead from the safeguarding lead and didn't think to take it any further. The school said the boy was a nice boy and would not have caused any upset deliberately. I also had links with the safeguarding lead in a professional capacity and didn't want to make a fuss if my DD just wanted to forget it.

In hindsight, I can see that I didn't deal with it very well. I must say that I never once questioned her honesty or suggested that she was exaggerating. I always told her that I thought this boy was disgusting and that I wished lots of awful things on him and his family. I reassured her she'd done the right thing by telling someone at school etc.

Anyway tonight she's come home from a night out and has been talking to a friend of a friend from school. This boy that she accused has since had multiple accusations made against him and is apparently going to face a trial for rape. She sort of shrugged when she told me and I can see again that she doesn't want to talk about what happened all those years ago,

But I am suddenly so angry. Maybe more with myself than anyone else. But I know that the safeguarding lead is still in the same role at the school and I really want to let her know that this 'nice boy' is obviously not such a nice man.

This is not something I can discuss with anyone in real life because I didn't tell anyone. My DP (DD's dad) is aware of what happened but is asleep next to me and I don't want to wake him up).

I don't know what I'm asking really but just wanted to see what others think.

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 19/03/2023 02:06

I think it would be valid to complain to the school about how it was handled in the hope that they seriously review their procedures.

I don't think that you can be too angry with safe guarding lead because it was you who really let your DD down and clearly you know that. You both handled it terribly. The police should have been called.

Nimbostratus100 · 19/03/2023 02:06

I would suggest you go to the police

Original poster
pingpongping · 19/03/2023 02:15

I did wonder at the time about whether I should have gone to the police.
It's a terrible excuse but I was more worried about DD not being believed and then her being bullied at school about it.

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 19/03/2023 02:16

it is not to late to go to the police now

Shinyredbicycle · 19/03/2023 02:18

It's not particularly helpful (or true) to say that OP let her DD down

She says that her DD didn't tell her about it or want to talk about it and took her cues from the safeguarding lead. She couldn't see into the future and her DD clearly trusts her to speak with her this evening.

Yes, DD should have been asked if she wanted to involve the police which is easy to say but the experience of that may well not have been great.

I think it depends on what your dd wants to do, OP. Let her know that contacting the police is a possibility and that this may or may not contribute to the case against this young man and give her time to decide.

I don't think the safeguarding lead was correct to minimise the situation and they should have either contacted the police to advised you to,. Depending on the school's policy.

I'm sorry that this happened to your dd.

Shinyredbicycle · 19/03/2023 02:22

And also let your dd know that she can get support about the assault even if she doesn't want to go to the police.

Nimbostratus100 · 19/03/2023 02:27

I also think it is appropriate to let your daughter know it has been on your mind, and you are angry about what happened and wish you had been more proactive about it when it occured

Original poster
pingpongping · 19/03/2023 02:27

I suggested to DD when she told me tonight that I should get in touch with the school and let them know but she rolled her eyes and told me not to get involved or cause any drama.

It is so hard to know what to do for the best.

For full disclosure, she has suffered with her mental health and I did perhaps know but ignore that a lot of it stemmed from this incident.

To complicate matters (and I am not a troll I swear but obviously I can't talk about this in real life as people would think either me or DD is a complete fantasist), she was sexually assaulted a few months ago and we did go to the police that time. The case has just been passed to the CPS. I am worried if we bring this up that she will be discredited as someone who goes around accusing people or jumping on the bandwagon.

God if anyone recognises this in real life, please keep this to yourself.

OP posts:
Original poster
pingpongping · 19/03/2023 02:28

@Nimbostratus100 we had that conversation tonight.

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 19/03/2023 02:31

💐hard situation

Original poster
pingpongping · 19/03/2023 02:32

I worry that this incident led her to have unhealthy boundaries with boys and ultimately led to what happened a few months ago. But even thinking that sounds like victim blaming, which I am definitely not.
Sorry my head is scrambled and I am typing as I think.

OP posts:
starfishmummy · 19/03/2023 03:01

In hindsight, I can see that I didn't deal with it very well

But I am suddenly so angry. Maybe more with myself than anyone else

Sorry my head is scrambled and I am typing as I think.

All of this is coming across as more about making you feel better than considering what your DD wants.

You say she has told you not to get involved or cause any drama - so given that she is now 18/19 and an adult then that is her decision to make.

Motnight · 19/03/2023 04:25

Your dd has made her decision. Support her.

Autienotnautie · 19/03/2023 05:20

I think at the time I would have followed dds lead - which you did. I think you need to do the same now, you can ask her if she wants to report it/complain to school. But again I'd let her decide.

MissMissive · 19/03/2023 05:24

All of this is coming across as more about making you feel better than considering what your DD wants.

You say she has told you not to get involved or cause any drama - so given that she is now 18/19 and an adult then that is her decision to make.

It’s ok for her to have feelings and need an anonymous place to discuss them. It’s human.

Daffodil18 · 19/03/2023 05:41

Your DD sounds like she has a lot going on right now and what are you going to gain by complaining to a school she isn’t involved with any longer? If she went to the police about this historic incident then she would have another court case to deal with. If she is happy to move on from it then let her. Like you said you don’t want to discredit her current and what sounds like a more serious incident.

firstbabyworries · 19/03/2023 06:46

@pingpongping I'm really sorry for what your dd is going through. I was sexually assaulted when I was 12 by a man. Although he was subsequently jailed(for 12 weeks) I felt it was minimised by my mum. I went on to be afraid of the dark (so refused to go near the windows to close the curtains as I was afraid of seeing his face) and other things and even though I tried to explain why she disregarded my reasoning and said I was lazy etc
The whole thing gave me a very skewed view of men, relationships and life in general. I should note there were lots of other hideous incidents from my childhood, however I have never fully forgiven or forgotten how my mum reacted or behaved afterwards.
Please tread carefully, as painful as it maybe for you, imagine how your dd feels

Original poster
pingpongping · 19/03/2023 20:07

Thank you all for your view points.

I do realise that this is not about me and that is exactly why I am posting here anonymously. I am not going to bring this up unless my DD mentions it again as I don't want to do anything that jeopardises her mental health.

But I am well aware that at some point in the future, we could look back at my inaction (again) and say that I should have acted differently.

Last night it was all very fresh and I was overthinking. I am going to follow her lead from now on and support her with moving on.

OP posts:
bubbles2023 · 19/03/2023 20:10

I'd try and support dd to access mental health support/ counselling through a rape crisis centre. Whilst I'd feel like you and want to officially report, if dd isn't on board it would be very tricky.

Original poster
pingpongping · 19/03/2023 20:16

Thankfully she is being supported by a specialist service and is receiving counselling plus is on medication so I am hopeful that she has a safe space to deal with this away from us.
She is an adult now and so it is up to her what happens but we are very close and she knows I am always here for her.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 19/03/2023 20:29

pingpongping · 19/03/2023 02:32

I worry that this incident led her to have unhealthy boundaries with boys and ultimately led to what happened a few months ago. But even thinking that sounds like victim blaming, which I am definitely not.
Sorry my head is scrambled and I am typing as I think.

A better way to consider this would be, that your DD's experience made it harder for her to learn to protect herself in future. That's not victim blaming.

picklemewalnuts · 19/03/2023 20:31

You did the right thing to follow her lead and support her in how she wanted to deal with it. Had you insisted on a different path, that would have undermined her agency even further.

This was a 'least bad action' situation. There was no great alternative.

Boomboom22 · 19/03/2023 20:37

If you still know the safeguarding lead call the school and update her about this boy, she probably knows already but it will be useful for her to reflect on her perception and may improve safeguarding in the future. Not that things haven't already changed in kcsie but she will know sometimes nice boys are not so nice.

Boomboom22 · 19/03/2023 20:38

You don't have to complain or tell your dd, maybe a news story sent over but in a have you seen way or off the record phone call.

Whatisthisanyidea · 19/03/2023 20:38

Of this did go to the police at that time there was no ‘real’ evidence as these crimes are rarely committed with an audience. It would’ve been her word against his and being in the same building would have made School more difficult.

My friend a grown woman with a witness to a similar incident couldn’t get police to press charges - they certainly wouldn’t against a 15 year old boy.

My point being it would have been futile anyway -

Thats not to say you shouldn’t drop by the school and speak to the safeguarding lead - perhaps they’ll believe the next victim.