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Original poster

Friendship issues, am I being unreasonable?!

46 replies

tortoishelll · 19/03/2023 00:34

I've been friends with my 'best' friend for over 14 years now, and we are party of a larger friendship circle of people we went to school with. Usually arrange to do a few things a month, usually nice and relaxed and friendly.

Recently I've been feeling as though I'm noticing things about my best friend, let's call her 'A' - that I'm not particularly keen on. For example, when I was getting married she came dress shopping with me and my immediate family. There was a dress I absolutely fell in love with, but she hated it. She put me down, told me it didn't look nice etc and I left feeling so awful about it that I didn't go ahead with the order. I now fully regret my decision to choose something else and really wish I went with my heart.

On my hen party, A and my other friends didn't want to spend a penny more than bare minimum. They wouldn't pay up when my sister asked for deposits for the daytime activity we did (very inexpensive) and my poor mum had to go out and purchase decorations for the meal we had after, since none of them wanted to / even thought to get me so much as a balloon. I am not a materialistic person in the slightest, but I would have wanted to make it super special for my friend if it was her hen party. It just stung a little bit once I found out. That evening she left early to go and meet a different friend for a night out.

On my wedding day, she didn't get us so much as a card. This hurt, and again I know it sounds materialistic, but I'd have absolutely treasured even a handmade card or well wishes scribbled on the back of a receipt!! It's just the thought that was lacking, which really hurt me.

Recently she became engaged, and I threw a party for her including champagne and cake etc etc, before realising how little she did / wanted to do for me. It feels very one sided.

The night before my wedding day she decided to drop out from staying at the hotel to get ready with me; baring in mind she was my maid of honour, and we had this planned for years. So I stayed and got ready in the morning alone.
She wouldn't pay for the hair stylist (I bought the dress, shoes, accessories, makeup) I just asked for her contribution for hair. She wouldn't pay, said it was too pricey, so I offered to pay the chunk if she could put around a £10 into it. She still refused so that cost was fully paid by me again.

More recently, she was awful to me about a diary mixup where her DP hadn't properly informed my DH of an event he had loosely planned. My DH was consistently busy on this date, and she phoned me and text me saying how disappointed she is etc etc. that evening, she demoted me from her bridal party and my DH from the grooms party.

They have since ignored me. Left me out of social gatherings with my other friends, etc etc.

We haven't now spoken since last weekend; which is likely the longest time we have not spoken for. We didn't particularly fall out as such, but she's been very off with me and I'm starting to realise, I think; how she can be toward me, and I don't like it. I don't want to be walked all over and a pushover anymore. But I don't know what to do or where to go from here.

I'm sorry for the rambling story, I just feel lost and without her, I really don't have anyone. I pushed so many people aside to be her friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
tortoishelll · 19/03/2023 00:37

I've got the horrible gut wrenching feeling as though tomorrow / some time soon this will all come to blows and we will have a proper falling out.
I'm becoming so anxious I don't even want to check my phone for fear she may have text me 😢

OP posts:
AlmostaMamma · 19/03/2023 00:37

What the actual hell?! How does a person tolerate all this?

She’s not your friend. She’s not even pretending to like you!

Original poster
tortoishelll · 19/03/2023 00:39

I have absolutely no confidence whatsoever, it is really hard for me to finally find a way to leave a situation when I begin to feel like it isn't serving me any purpose. The fact my family have seen how she is towards me speaks volumes as they would very rarely talk badly of anybody.

I feel like I want a fresh start but don't want the horrible stress of a fallout. I just want to quietly move on and away from her.

OP posts:
Maves · 19/03/2023 00:50

Friendships shouldn't be hard work and games as an adult fuck her.

AlmostaMamma · 19/03/2023 00:51

Just block her. Here honestly doesn’t need to be a falling out. Just never speak to her again. It honestly doesn’t sound like she’d care much.

And then you can focus on building up your confidence and making some actual friends.

AlmostaMamma · 19/03/2023 00:52

AlmostaMamma · 19/03/2023 00:51

Just block her. Here honestly doesn’t need to be a falling out. Just never speak to her again. It honestly doesn’t sound like she’d care much.

And then you can focus on building up your confidence and making some actual friends.

There honestly doesn’t need to be a falling out. Apologies for the typo.

LadyGAgain · 19/03/2023 00:56

She sounds absolutely AWFUL. Slip away quietly without the drama. Ignore all attempts to get in touch.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/03/2023 00:59

Drop the rope, op. She's not your friend and never has been. Block her and move on with your life.

Icepinkeskimo · 19/03/2023 00:59

Part of me thinks that she is what I call a “top
dog friend” I think we have all had or have a friend like this.
A “top dog friend” is the one who worms her way into your life and for a time the friendship is great.
The reality is you are only there to make her look better, she can talk to you like crap, treat you appallingly, has little or no interest in any happiness that comes into your life.
Then it all turns nasty because they cannot bear to see you, (here’s a few examples) loved up, have a great career, be the centre of attention, and genuinely happy.
TDF will ring you to drone on about their fantastic life, or the complete reverse how terrible their life is. They literally drain the happiness out of you.

You wrote you don’t like confrontation, and I totally understand. Can I suggest that if and when she texts you leave it a couple of days before you reply. Do you think you could be strong enough not to reply at all? You sound a good and loyal friend, you deserve the same in return.

Put this rubbish TDF in the bin and don’t look back.

crazyaboutcats · 19/03/2023 01:00

I've let things go with someone who I thought was my best friend and was my maid of honour. It became so one sided that all I had to do was not initiate any plans. I was a mix of hurt and relieved.

Anamechangeisnotjustforchristmas · 19/03/2023 01:09

She sounds awful. The thing about the £10 really sticks. That wasn’t about the money, it was a power move. Please don’t let her ruin the remainder of your wedding planning.

Phoebo · 19/03/2023 01:19

Wow, she's done you a favour. Don't contact her, cut her out. This is not a friend, run!

potentialmediator · 19/03/2023 01:56

what do you mean you “pushed so many people aside” to be her friend? It all sounds so unhealthy, like playground power games, this isn’t friendship at all. Try and extract yourself asap. Just withdraw contact slowly, I’m sure she’ll find other dramas. I hope you can find things that help build your confidence OP.

MintyBinty · 19/03/2023 02:28

This friendship has run its course. It happens and it’s totally normall - this is in no way a reflection of who you are as a person. It’s just time for some news friends OP.

Grieve the friendship and be kind to yourself. She has been an awful friend to you at a time when she should have been celebrating WITH you. Instead she sounds jealous and unable to support you. The complete opposite of what a friend should be!

Work on yourself, work on increasing your confidence and self worth so that you can better avoid shitty friendships in the future.

it’s ok to walk away from someone who has let you down.

Adrelaxzz · 19/03/2023 02:39

She is not your friend and your life will be much better when you dump her. Just stop replying to stuff. It's tough but so much better (been there).

barmycatmum · 19/03/2023 02:48

:( oh this must hurt so badly.
it hurts when we finally see how one-sided things are. But please remember, this is NOT a reflection of your worth.

you sound like a really kind person, and sometimes it’s easy to make excuses for people when they’re rude or thoughtless, and let things slide a bit, if you’re a person who just doesn’t see things through selfish lenses.

I hope you just distance from her. She doesn’t deserve your energy.

I recently blocked someone like this, but blocking is a little bit extreme, and my former “bff” had taken it to actions that were actually harmful to me (giving my number out to awful men, stuff like that.)

if she doesn’t warrant blocking, she DOES deserve full grey rock treatment. Do a 180 on her and become an ice queen. It’s a bit of an act, but it does serve the purpose of quieting our instinct to people-please (I do the same, so I have to consciously “grey rock” very unkind people.)

💐

Fraaahnces · 19/03/2023 02:54

One of the reasons you have no self confidence is because you continue to hang out with arseholes like that.

flexigirl · 19/03/2023 03:01

God she sounds utterly awful!! Also seems like she's working towards ghosting you . I know it hurts but honestly you are better off without her in your life. She sounds nasty and bitter. I'd love a friend like you OP

WitheredandOld · 19/03/2023 03:04

You sound lovely and she doesn’t deserve you. No need for a falling out. Never initiate contact, and don’t commit to 1:1 catch ups or just the two of you and partners. When you see her at a group event treat her like you would an acquaintance. Perfectly friendly, give nothing away and spend more time with others.

girlladywoman · 19/03/2023 03:08

She left your hen party to go and party with another friend? At this point I was like fuck her.

And then reading on - wow. Drop her.

As an aside, if she were here and we asked her why and/or what is happening, have you any clue what she might say?

PatrioticPenny743 · 19/03/2023 03:12

tortoishelll · 19/03/2023 00:34

I've been friends with my 'best' friend for over 14 years now, and we are party of a larger friendship circle of people we went to school with. Usually arrange to do a few things a month, usually nice and relaxed and friendly.

Recently I've been feeling as though I'm noticing things about my best friend, let's call her 'A' - that I'm not particularly keen on. For example, when I was getting married she came dress shopping with me and my immediate family. There was a dress I absolutely fell in love with, but she hated it. She put me down, told me it didn't look nice etc and I left feeling so awful about it that I didn't go ahead with the order. I now fully regret my decision to choose something else and really wish I went with my heart.

On my hen party, A and my other friends didn't want to spend a penny more than bare minimum. They wouldn't pay up when my sister asked for deposits for the daytime activity we did (very inexpensive) and my poor mum had to go out and purchase decorations for the meal we had after, since none of them wanted to / even thought to get me so much as a balloon. I am not a materialistic person in the slightest, but I would have wanted to make it super special for my friend if it was her hen party. It just stung a little bit once I found out. That evening she left early to go and meet a different friend for a night out.

On my wedding day, she didn't get us so much as a card. This hurt, and again I know it sounds materialistic, but I'd have absolutely treasured even a handmade card or well wishes scribbled on the back of a receipt!! It's just the thought that was lacking, which really hurt me.

Recently she became engaged, and I threw a party for her including champagne and cake etc etc, before realising how little she did / wanted to do for me. It feels very one sided.

The night before my wedding day she decided to drop out from staying at the hotel to get ready with me; baring in mind she was my maid of honour, and we had this planned for years. So I stayed and got ready in the morning alone.
She wouldn't pay for the hair stylist (I bought the dress, shoes, accessories, makeup) I just asked for her contribution for hair. She wouldn't pay, said it was too pricey, so I offered to pay the chunk if she could put around a £10 into it. She still refused so that cost was fully paid by me again.

More recently, she was awful to me about a diary mixup where her DP hadn't properly informed my DH of an event he had loosely planned. My DH was consistently busy on this date, and she phoned me and text me saying how disappointed she is etc etc. that evening, she demoted me from her bridal party and my DH from the grooms party.

They have since ignored me. Left me out of social gatherings with my other friends, etc etc.

We haven't now spoken since last weekend; which is likely the longest time we have not spoken for. We didn't particularly fall out as such, but she's been very off with me and I'm starting to realise, I think; how she can be toward me, and I don't like it. I don't want to be walked all over and a pushover anymore. But I don't know what to do or where to go from here.

I'm sorry for the rambling story, I just feel lost and without her, I really don't have anyone. I pushed so many people aside to be her friend.

2 years ago, I stopped having anything to do with my best friend, omg it was so hard, lots of tears, I shut myself away, and it hurt so much, BUT I'm through it now. That friendship served me no purpose it was one sided, and I needed to do something for my own MH. Wrap yourself in family and other friends, find a hobby, read, enjoy your own company, you will heal, and you will move on, yes it'll be hard for a few months, but it gets easier, and eventually a new and happier person emerges, and life will be better for you. Good luck x

JudgeRudy · 19/03/2023 03:14

I think you've over estimated your friendship. She didn't like a bridal gown that you wanted do you didn't buy it? Did she say you looked like a big fat cow/ridiculous or did she say it's not flattering or its too blingy/plain. The 2 are very different.
Your sister organised the hen do. Did she say up front it's gonna cost £x to include ,A, B and C or did she say were going for a meal at Y then ask for money on night? She left to go out with other friends. She wasn't that interested in the hen night, or felt it was 'finished' and not much was happening (ie yd had your meal as planned)
On your wedding eve she chose not to stay over with you. Im unsure what you mean by this had been planned for years. Does she drive? Can she getvthere? Were you expecting her to pay? Did you have no one else to join you eg sister? What had you agreed about hair? I wouldn't expect to pay for a hairdresser. I'm presuming you wanted a specific up do or look. Unless bridesmaids offer, you pay. Could it be you just kept hitting her with additional costs and felt she should have paid up and prioritised your wedding?
I'm sure she enjoyed her engagement party but I hate it when people have a tit for tat expectation of reciprocation. So you planned her party so she should eg plan your baby shower. This clearly isn't her thing. Do you get other things from your friendship? Eg does she invite you along to group nights out that you might otherwise not be invited to? Would she take a nose in a pub/restaurant to see if it's suitable where as yd feel uncomfortable doing this? Does she make you laugh with her antics? Can you rely on her to give you honest advice? These are just examples but we come as a package. People will say she's not a good friend but what does she get from you too that she's not getting from other friends. What's your USP?
Only you can decide if you think the relationship is fair and balanced but don't value you it in terms of traits that clearly aren't her thing.

BTW. I do think she should have bought you a card though, no excuse....unless she's really disorganised and forgot it. I've a wedding gift from September that I'm yet to pass on . I really like the couple. I'm just useless at these things.

Kitkatcatflap · 19/03/2023 03:16

She is not a good friend, a good friend would want you to have the dress you love, the best hen party, she wouldn't leave your party early to continue elsewhere, nor fail to contribute to her hair style when requsted. The poster above calls it out right - it's a power move. She has to be in control and that means undermining you.

I have also distanced myself from a long standing friendship like this. My former friend would use my life to make herself feel better. She would subtlety ask, how much do you weigh, earn, how much is the house worth now etc. Yet she never shared any details herself ...... But I would know that her life, weight etc is better. I also tired of her constant battles with people she worked with, in laws, neighbours - she hadn't a good word to say about anyone. It was draining.

Don't feel bad, your family obviously saw through it. I imagine there are lots friendships that have died on her vine. People like her don't give themselves fully in a friendship. Distance yourself, there is no need for a big falling out. After the appalling way she behaved when you married, remember you gave her a champagne party. See that as your thank you and goodbye. You will feel better and stronger. Don't waste your time with this one, put your efforts where it wil be reciprocated.

ShellsOnTheBeach · 19/03/2023 03:17

I really don't have anyone. I pushed so many people aside to be her friend.

Now why would you do this? Can you explore and nail down the reasons why you did this. Because it is extraordinary, extreme in fact, and totally unhealthy and contrary to your best interests. It suggests lack of self-esteem and poor boundaries.

Are there other aspects of your life where you sabotaged your own best interests because, for some reasons, the other person's interests took priority over your own?

Can you invest in a few counselling sessions to explore these issues and help you equip yourself with the tools that will allow you to protect yourself more effectively ?

magicthree · 19/03/2023 03:25

Take a step back and let this "friendship" die. She doesn't sound like a friend to me OP, I'm sure there are other people who would behave much better towards you. If she texts you then just ignore her, or better still block her. Life is too short for a one sided friendship - you deserve better.

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