Friendship issues, am I being unreasonable?!

[tortoishelll]

I've been friends with my 'best' friend for over 14 years now, and we are party of a larger friendship circle of people we went to school with. Usually arrange to do a few things a month, usually nice and relaxed and friendly.

Recently I've been feeling as though I'm noticing things about my best friend, let's call her 'A' - that I'm not particularly keen on. For example, when I was getting married she came dress shopping with me and my immediate family. There was a dress I absolutely fell in love with, but she hated it. She put me down, told me it didn't look nice etc and I left feeling so awful about it that I didn't go ahead with the order. I now fully regret my decision to choose something else and really wish I went with my heart.

On my hen party, A and my other friends didn't want to spend a penny more than bare minimum. They wouldn't pay up when my sister asked for deposits for the daytime activity we did (very inexpensive) and my poor mum had to go out and purchase decorations for the meal we had after, since none of them wanted to / even thought to get me so much as a balloon. I am not a materialistic person in the slightest, but I would have wanted to make it super special for my friend if it was her hen party. It just stung a little bit once I found out. That evening she left early to go and meet a different friend for a night out.

On my wedding day, she didn't get us so much as a card. This hurt, and again I know it sounds materialistic, but I'd have absolutely treasured even a handmade card or well wishes scribbled on the back of a receipt!! It's just the thought that was lacking, which really hurt me.

Recently she became engaged, and I threw a party for her including champagne and cake etc etc, before realising how little she did / wanted to do for me. It feels very one sided.

The night before my wedding day she decided to drop out from staying at the hotel to get ready with me; baring in mind she was my maid of honour, and we had this planned for years. So I stayed and got ready in the morning alone.
She wouldn't pay for the hair stylist (I bought the dress, shoes, accessories, makeup) I just asked for her contribution for hair. She wouldn't pay, said it was too pricey, so I offered to pay the chunk if she could put around a £10 into it. She still refused so that cost was fully paid by me again.

More recently, she was awful to me about a diary mixup where her DP hadn't properly informed my DH of an event he had loosely planned. My DH was consistently busy on this date, and she phoned me and text me saying how disappointed she is etc etc. that evening, she demoted me from her bridal party and my DH from the grooms party.

They have since ignored me. Left me out of social gatherings with my other friends, etc etc.

We haven't now spoken since last weekend; which is likely the longest time we have not spoken for. We didn't particularly fall out as such, but she's been very off with me and I'm starting to realise, I think; how she can be toward me, and I don't like it. I don't want to be walked all over and a pushover anymore. But I don't know what to do or where to go from here.

I'm sorry for the rambling story, I just feel lost and without her, I really don't have anyone. I pushed so many people aside to be her friend.

I pushed so many people aside to be her friend.

Gosh.

What does this mean?

I lost two of my closest friends around my wedding due to realising how shitty they treated me / how different our views where on what was and was not acceptable.

It's been nearly ten years now and while it still occasionally hurts I know that ultimately it was for the best - as the friends I have now would never, EVER treat me that way.

I'm sorry you are in this situation. YANBU - she is.

I think the diary mix up was engineered so she had an excuse to drop you both.

Whatever's gone on, she clearly doesn't like you very much. Once you get over the loss I think you'll be in a much better way.

Wow, when I first started reading this I though YWBU expecting her to pay more than she could maybe afford, but then I got to the end and she is being ridiculous. I don’t think you’re friends anymore I’m afraid. People are so ridiculous about their weddings.

I’m also intrigued by the pushing people aside comment.

She has treated you appallingly. If this were me, having watched her leave my hen night for a better offer and ditching dh and me from the bridal party for no good reason, I’d back off rapidly and make no further contact.
I wouldn’t block her because I wouldn’t want to give her the satisfaction of a reaction to dine out on. I’d become indifferent to her, as if she simply doesn’t factor. In company, polite.

If and when mutual friends start to twig and want the deets, just say that you didn’t like the way you were treated and your time is too valuable to accept it.
There’s no need to be anything but pleasant about it.

If you are cold shouldered by others, they fall into the same category as your friend there…of no real value to you. Make note of those who still want to hang out. They are precious.

I have experience of this. You’ll be grand. If nothing else you’ll respect yourself and that’s priceless.

This friendship has long since run its course. Don’t chase her for friendship, don’t initiate contact, as a pp said just grey rock her and reduce all contact. She doesn’t want to be your friend and you are just giving her a reason to put you down and decimate your self-confidence.

If you’ve been left out of social gatherings with mutual friends, as you say, is there anyone else in the group that you trust that you could ask quietly why you have been excluded? Did this woman arrange these gatherings or is the whole group turning against you?

Concentrate on friends outside of this group, and look to make new friends, as it sounds like she’d happily turn the group against you and if that happens then the whole lot of them were never really your friends.

She’s an utter bitch. How about you be the one calling the shots for once. Ghost her or if you have the strength message her and say that you are ‘Taking a break’ from the friendship and wish her well.

If she was your partner, people would be calling her controlling and abusive and telling you to LTB. The comment about pushing others away is very telling. All the other stuff is about control and keeping you in your place to make herself feel big. Sounds like she's slowly chipped away at you for years. Time to find your strength and tell her you're done. You'll be ok x

Yeah she’s no friend but I don’t think you need to do anything just don’t message / ring her .
you say this is the longest you’ve not been in contact then maybe this is what is needed. I’ve friends I may not hear from for weeks/ months we’ve not fallen out it’s just we have lives . Tell yourself the friendship is over and move on .

My daughter is going through a similar situation with a friend. What is the best way to deal with one person in a group of friends that is like this? My daughter (15) is going through hell at the moment. She doesn't want to lose the others.

This person tries to isolate her from the group. She comments on her personal appearance, exam results, musical talents in a very negative way. She does this when others aren't around or jokingly does it and others don't notice.

It came to a head the other day when this girl arranged a meet up and strategically forgot to ask my daughter until last minute (she's done this many times over the years). She asked the others 3 hours before my daughter.

My daughter spoke to the other girls in the friend group last night and they just don't get why my daughter can't move on any longer and be friends again with this girl. She listed all the crap she's gone through over the last 3 years and they said they just want them to be friends again. They said they didn't notice any issues.

This girl sent my daughter a very long text the other night on why she didn't want her to come to the meet up. The list was all about how she feels and how she thinks my daughter doesn't like her anymore. Absolutely no apology for excluding her. She is also very good at playing the victim. My daughter hasn't replied to this and she sent another text with lots of question marks.

How does my daughter deal with this where she doesn't lose her other friends and distances from this toxic relationship? She has over 2 more years left with these girls.

Apologies for hijacking but it is a similar situation.

Exactly.

Me too. It came to a head when she told me that the baby I miscarried hadn't been a real baby after I'd confronted her over not bothering to visit me or even call in the whole 6 months after my miscarriage, after 13 years of me putting up with her flakiness and constant cancellations and helping her deal with her problems (both literal and mental) and even forgiving her for kissing me financially abusive, cheating ex...

Haven't been able to look at my wedding photos in nearly 3 years now.

By pushing others aside I mean the other friendships I had have all gone dry. I put all my time and effort into her.

@Icepinkeskimo

i think ice as summed it up. She likes being top dog. Her passive aggressive gestures - leaving hen party early etc are subtly telling you this. She’s your friend on her terms.

As others have said, start controlling the narrative. Don’t dance to her tune. Still be friends (if you want to) but put yourself first

She isn’t your friend.

She’s your bully.

Drop her and move on. ❤️

The only thing I can suggest you do is ghost her and very gently try to resurrect your other friendships.

She is not your friend, OP, and doesn't care about you at all.

It's hurtful, but it's best you start to come to terms with it now.

She doesn't sound like a good friend. Most of these things (except her viciousness over the diary mixup) could probably be excused or overlooked in isolation, but in combination add up to a pretty unpleasant pattern of behaviour. And the worst is something that you mention almost casually: 'without her, I really don't have anyone. I pushed so many people aside to be her friend.' A real friend would NEVER expect this of you! It sounds like what, in the case of a partner, would nowadays be called 'coercive control'; and it is really just as abusive from a friend. Perhaps easier said than done, but try to open yourself to other friendships; I think you will find it much easier to make real friends when you are no longer being controlled by Ms. Frenemy.

Woken up today feeling so torn over the whole situation. I will miss her in a funny way, if I go down the route of no contact. She's all I've known for so long and we have had some lovely memories together, but of course also some rubbish times.

My advice would be to reach out to these people, the ones you pushed aside and apologise to them for how you treated them. You were so wrapped up in A that you couldn't see the wood for the trees and you're sorry for every mistreating them and their friendship.

These are the friendships that you will work on now.

Block A.

If she asks, just say that it took you a while but you had a realisation that you were doing all of the running around after her, it was one sided and you no longer get anything positive (if you even ever did) from the friendship so time is up on it.

Chin up. You can and will get through this!

She's not your friend.

You need to ask?