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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Yet another rubbish mother's day

30 replies

Mothersdaycraycray · 18/03/2023 23:29

My ex-husband has arranged a surprise for tomorrow..... swimming with our kids so say as a mother's day treat. This is a treat for the kids, not me. I will have to get everything ready, help them get changed at the pool and have a load of extra washing afterwards and I also don't want to play happy families or go swimming with my ex who was mentallly abusive and manipulative to me. I said that I didn't want to go due to all the extra work it will be for me and that I don't want to do all of that on mother's day. Now he is telling the kids I've ruined the surprise. I suggested he take them, but he won't do that and actually two would probably refuse anyway. AIBU to not go? I know the kids will be upset with me, but I really want just one day of rest. There are four of them and so I'm always busy.

OP posts:
BillLius · 18/03/2023 23:30

Wee in the pool and blame it on your ex.

Original poster
Mothersdaycraycray · 19/03/2023 07:01

🤣, BillLius, tempting.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 19/03/2023 07:03

Why on earth are you going out with your ex on his contact day ?

snitzelvoncrumb · 19/03/2023 07:05

Enjoy the day at home. He can buy bathers if he wants to take them swimming.

premicrois · 19/03/2023 07:09

I also don't want to play happy families or go swimming with my ex who was mentallly abusive and manipulative to me.

He is still doing this to you...

Now he is telling the kids I've ruined the surprise.

Stop being manipulated, say no. Tell the kids you will take them another time and let them eat cake and watch extra TV/game/iPad time, they will soon get over not going swimming and you will get a more restful day.

Remove the ex from any part of it

WalkingThroughTreacle · 19/03/2023 07:09

He's still abusing and controlling you and you know this. Find the strength to put your foot down or he will never stop. If it is your day with the kids then find something else to do with them, that they will enjoy enough to forget about the pool, and do not include your ex. He is your ex, he is no longer your partner. He has a role as the father of your children but he has no right to insert himself into your life as he chooses so stop letting him.

Brightstar84 · 19/03/2023 07:10

Can’t he take the kids to the pool leaving you with done peaceful time to yourself?

Theunamedcat · 19/03/2023 07:16

Its all about control isn't it? my ex did this and the "but how will I cope" whine if I said no the refusal to take them if I didn't join them and blaming me for it all

I went to the Dr who experience with my eldest (mine) our youngest refused to go he said I will take them you can come too I said no just let me know when your taking them I will give them their travel sickness pills he tries for months to get me to go I refuse the place closed and he blamed me that he didn't get to see it....the youngest don't even LIKE dr who it was all about him

Mammma91 · 19/03/2023 07:19

He is a first class wanker OP.
Stay home, spend the day how you’d like to spend it.

I also have the misfortune of having a first class wanker who woke up and shouted at me and swore because DS age 3 woke at 6am and that’s my fault. Oh and didn’t even bother to wish me a happy Mother’s Day. I’m royally pissed off.

happy Mother’s Day to all other PP! X

BitOutOfPractice · 19/03/2023 07:20

I thought he was going to take the kids out and give you a peaceful day. On what planet is taking the kids swimming a treat for you?

he’s still controlling you, you do realise that don’t you?

WhereIsMyRefund · 19/03/2023 07:21

On what planet is this a Mother’s Day treat for you? Wanker.

Readtopop · 19/03/2023 07:52

Why would you go ??? Let him take the children. Relax . If he really cared he’d buy a bunch of flowers for the children to give you . But you know this xx op , don’t go . Don’t be bullied .

Weallgottachangesometime · 19/03/2023 07:58

YANBU to not go. In fact it is a perfect opportunity to take control of the situation.
tell your children you’ve cancelled because it’s not something you want to do. Their dad had the choice to still go or cancel and he made his own choice. It might even be worth explaining that as you have chosen not to be in a relationship with their dad you prefer to not do activities with him and that’s ok.

Do you have a friend/family member who would help the children plan something more suitable in the future so your ex is kept out of it? If not, I know it’s not ideal, but maybe you could plan with the children the day before- “a great Mother’s Day gift would be a tea in bed and a picture from each of you and then going for a walk (something they can easily achieve without help).

The children might be a bit disappointed today, but I think it’s worth letting your ex know he won’t dictate things like Mother’s Day and looking at alternative plans for the future.

gawditswindy · 19/03/2023 08:02

I don't know HOW you forget. The high street is awash with pink and flowers. (And teddies, which is a bit random). Even hardware stores have a wee token 'for mum' display. It's EVERYWHERE!

gawditswindy · 19/03/2023 08:02

gawditswindy · 19/03/2023 08:02

I don't know HOW you forget. The high street is awash with pink and flowers. (And teddies, which is a bit random). Even hardware stores have a wee token 'for mum' display. It's EVERYWHERE!

Oops. Wrong thread. Sorry!

Mummy2onesie · 19/03/2023 08:08

Don't go and don't think about it! Dependant on kids age explain you would rather spend the day with them in your pjs! You know what else dont give it another thought. He is a manipulator and I get rubbish like this all the time... not turning up on his weekend then demanding the next on the Thursday... telling my son that "Mummy wouldn't let me see you" . This last occasion I explained truthfully and in a matter of fact way that this was not the case. Eventually you get sick of the manipulation and it effects you and kiddies less. 😀 just got to remember he is the ex for good reason.

Bayleaf25 · 19/03/2023 08:23

premicrois · 19/03/2023 07:09

I also don't want to play happy families or go swimming with my ex who was mentallly abusive and manipulative to me.

He is still doing this to you...

Now he is telling the kids I've ruined the surprise.

Stop being manipulated, say no. Tell the kids you will take them another time and let them eat cake and watch extra TV/game/iPad time, they will soon get over not going swimming and you will get a more restful day.

Remove the ex from any part of it

This!

If ex wants to take them he can but you don’t need to go. If kids stay at home then just do the above.

Thedarkestblue · 19/03/2023 08:38

premicrois · 19/03/2023 07:09

I also don't want to play happy families or go swimming with my ex who was mentallly abusive and manipulative to me.

He is still doing this to you...

Now he is telling the kids I've ruined the surprise.

Stop being manipulated, say no. Tell the kids you will take them another time and let them eat cake and watch extra TV/game/iPad time, they will soon get over not going swimming and you will get a more restful day.

Remove the ex from any part of it

This is an extremely astute post.

Daleksatemyshed · 19/03/2023 09:31

Give yourself a Mothers day present Op by telling your ex quite plainly that you have no interest in any outing with him, if he has the DC then he's on his own. He wants to play happy families for his own ego, not for your DC.

Original poster
Mothersdaycraycray · 19/03/2023 09:32

Thank you for all your lovely replies. I know he's still controlling and he tells the kids things that they shouldn't hear or have to deal with at their ages (11 and under). I've told them I'm not going, they've all blamed me despite me explaining the work involved and that I want to rest today, but I guess that's because he got them all excited about going. I can't help but feel bad that I've let them down, but also want to stick to my guns. I know they'll calm down. Two of them would go with him but two would just refuse, one particularly so because she doesn't like doing anything with him. That's my fault too according to him, but I know it isn't. I don't say anything bad about him to them as I don't think it's fair to put adult stuff on them, but they can work it out themselves as they grow up.

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 19/03/2023 09:38

They're children @Mothersdaycraycray they don't understand their DF is manipulating them to get at you. Will he take the older 2 on his own? I bet he won't.

Readtopop · 19/03/2023 09:59

@Mothersdaycraycray
Hugs. Great choice . Stay strong And stop letting him control the narrative and you will get your power back . Your kids will learn soon enough he is an arse ! Also As a pp said- this is. Great opportunity to show your kids that you don’t have to do things you don’t want to. Hopefully they will see you as setting an example so when they are teens they will be able to say no to their dad and ignore the manipulation he will try and give !

premicrois · 19/03/2023 10:05

I don't say anything bad about him to them as I don't think it's fair to put adult stuff on them, but they can work it out themselves as they grow up.

And they will. What you have done today, while there is short term disappointment, you have given them a positive example. They won't see it instantly but over time your DC will note that you didn't stand for his abusive ways and that will serve them massively as they move into their own relationships, both as teens and adults.

mondaytosunday · 19/03/2023 10:16

I don't understand why you are going at all - surely the treat (weird as it is for a Mother's Day) is to give you a quiet few hours?
Just pack their bags and when he comes to collect hand them over.

gogohmm · 19/03/2023 10:20

Do check to see if he asked the kids what they wanted to do, kids may have suggested taking you swimming as they think it's a treat.

I don't think it's the worst idea, nice he actually wants to include you rather than insisting it's his contact day.