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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it normal not to have a next date organised?

65 replies

hexagon123 · 18/03/2023 22:31

Been seeing a guy for about six weeks.

Me - what are you doing his weekend
Him - described what he was doing
Me -thinking why aren't you asking me back what I'm doing this weekend

So we haven't arranged to see each other again and he's not messaged me since we've seen each other on Thursday

OP posts:
Bilingualspingual · 18/03/2023 23:44

If you’re the one who does most of the chasing, drop the rope. Do nothing. Then you’ll find out whether he really likes you. Don’t listen to what he says, observe what he does.

Original poster
hexagon123 · 18/03/2023 23:46

Bilingualspingual · 18/03/2023 23:44

If you’re the one who does most of the chasing, drop the rope. Do nothing. Then you’ll find out whether he really likes you. Don’t listen to what he says, observe what he does.

Ok

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 18/03/2023 23:46

I’ve been seeing an ex colleague for 4 months and this was how it was. He has young kids he has sole custody of so needed a babysitter but he was poor at texting too. He claimed to be in love with me, but then I barely heard from him, sometimes 1 message per day, taking hours to reply. Then he started to mess me around and even though I’ve asked him 3 times to just say if he’s not interested as I’m not playing games at my age, he claims he is. Absolute bull. Shame as I really liked him, and the sex was amazing! Gutting but I’m no-one second best. Wouldn’t be surprised if he’s taking someone else out and trying to keep me hanging. Can’t believe he turned out to be such an arsehole.

I’m going to get myself on some online dating sites and forget all about him - I’d do the same if I was you. It drove me slowly mad the lack of response

LadyClaude · 18/03/2023 23:51

When a man is interested, you know. There's no 'wondering'. If I were you, I'd be looking at the actions, less so the words. A lot of the time when they say they like you, they're just keeping you hanging as an option. The ones that are genuinely interested make the necessary steps to make sure they're going to see you again, in my experience anyway. I'd let this one go, personally.

Original poster
hexagon123 · 18/03/2023 23:53

Zanatdy · 18/03/2023 23:46

I’ve been seeing an ex colleague for 4 months and this was how it was. He has young kids he has sole custody of so needed a babysitter but he was poor at texting too. He claimed to be in love with me, but then I barely heard from him, sometimes 1 message per day, taking hours to reply. Then he started to mess me around and even though I’ve asked him 3 times to just say if he’s not interested as I’m not playing games at my age, he claims he is. Absolute bull. Shame as I really liked him, and the sex was amazing! Gutting but I’m no-one second best. Wouldn’t be surprised if he’s taking someone else out and trying to keep me hanging. Can’t believe he turned out to be such an arsehole.

I’m going to get myself on some online dating sites and forget all about him - I’d do the same if I was you. It drove me slowly mad the lack of response

Thanks

He's fine if I message him,,,, he is just never on his phone.

OP posts:
JMSA · 18/03/2023 23:54

The old adage 'actions speak louder than words' could have been written for the world of dating.

Original poster
hexagon123 · 18/03/2023 23:54

LadyClaude · 18/03/2023 23:51

When a man is interested, you know. There's no 'wondering'. If I were you, I'd be looking at the actions, less so the words. A lot of the time when they say they like you, they're just keeping you hanging as an option. The ones that are genuinely interested make the necessary steps to make sure they're going to see you again, in my experience anyway. I'd let this one go, personally.

Ok.

I don't think he's with anyone else as he's hardly on what's app but responsive to sms.... so yeah I'll get back on dating sites

OP posts:
Original poster
hexagon123 · 18/03/2023 23:56

Now I think about it I asked about him having enough time to date me.... as he has kids and he wasn't too responsive in the messages.

OP posts:
Divorcedalongtime · 19/03/2023 00:02

hexagon123 · 18/03/2023 23:56

Now I think about it I asked about him having enough time to date me.... as he has kids and he wasn't too responsive in the messages.

Wether he is with someone else or dating freely or simply doesn’t want a relationship or waiting for the right person to come along, it makes no difference to you what the situation is with him and the more you think about it the kore excuses you are making for him.
like many have said, ignore his words, listen to his actions. He isn’t making plans with you or calling you

Original poster
hexagon123 · 19/03/2023 00:05

@Divorcedalongtime ok thanks.

OP posts:
LadyClaude · 19/03/2023 00:12

Back when I was in the dating game, I applied the following rule: May the best man win.

In other words, don't get attached to anyone in the early stages. I honestly would cast your net wider and date several at a time, just dates, nothing exclusive, because exclusivity is only something you offer to a really great guy. Keep the bar high, OP.

Regardless of the reason for you having to do the chasing, it is irrelevant. Maybe he has a wife or a girlfriend. Maybe he's dating multiple women. Maybe he's just genuinely too busy. Maybe he's just too laid back. It doesn't matter, what does matter is that it doesn't seem to be making you happy and fulfilled, and I don't blame you. I'd be bored of having to do the chasing too. He's not the best man for you, is he?

Date until the best man for the role of being your wonderful partner makes his appearance. You'll know when you've met him, and this current guy... He's not it.

May the best man win OP.

X

Original poster
hexagon123 · 19/03/2023 00:15

LadyClaude · 19/03/2023 00:12

Back when I was in the dating game, I applied the following rule: May the best man win.

In other words, don't get attached to anyone in the early stages. I honestly would cast your net wider and date several at a time, just dates, nothing exclusive, because exclusivity is only something you offer to a really great guy. Keep the bar high, OP.

Regardless of the reason for you having to do the chasing, it is irrelevant. Maybe he has a wife or a girlfriend. Maybe he's dating multiple women. Maybe he's just genuinely too busy. Maybe he's just too laid back. It doesn't matter, what does matter is that it doesn't seem to be making you happy and fulfilled, and I don't blame you. I'd be bored of having to do the chasing too. He's not the best man for you, is he?

Date until the best man for the role of being your wonderful partner makes his appearance. You'll know when you've met him, and this current guy... He's not it.

May the best man win OP.

X

Thanks.

I've tried to date so many men and they either aren't what I like or I don't fancy them, which isn't everything but there has to be a level of attraction.

This guy won't offer me what I want.... or he's not. I guess I could talk to him about it?

OP posts:
Divorcedalongtime · 19/03/2023 00:17

This guy won't offer me what I want.... or he's not. I guess I could talk to him about it?

@hexagon123
its too soon, you can’t fix this.

Brandyb · 19/03/2023 00:20

Yes, talking won't get anywhere. Even if you want to win him over, best you can do is disengage and keep exploring

LadyClaude · 19/03/2023 00:26

Divorcedalongtime · 19/03/2023 00:17

This guy won't offer me what I want.... or he's not. I guess I could talk to him about it?

@hexagon123
its too soon, you can’t fix this.

I agree with @Divorcedalongtime
This early on, it shouldn't be this hard. This should be the honeymoon period.
It still comes back to the same starting point (in my opinion), which is simply this: when they are genuinely interested, you know, and there's no wondering.

Again, and this is just my opinion, if a man can not be bothered to put the effort in, I don't view it as my responsibility to try to "fix" it. He has a choice, and right now he chooses not to make the effort... And it's so early on.

You don't have to expend energy in trying to fix something that you didn't break. As women, we do this way too much in relationships. Man behaves like crap, woman tries to fix. Rinse, repeat.

There are men out there who do put the effort in, and it really feels like you've not just got a good partner, but a partner who is on the same team as you, and wants to make the relationship work. These sorts of men are the ones worth talking to when things go wrong, as they inevitably will. A man who you've been dating for 6 weeks and puts very little effort in, nah.

Original poster
hexagon123 · 19/03/2023 00:30

Ok. Maybe he doesn't know?

But anyway we don't have a date set and he hasn't messaged me since we meet on Thursday..... so just wait for him to message me.

I do think a lot of it is that he's too laid back or something. But no point trying to rationalise it..... just see what's in front of me.

OP posts:
Original poster
hexagon123 · 19/03/2023 00:41

Yes this is all too difficult...

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 19/03/2023 13:09

TheShellBeach · 18/03/2023 23:16

And that sounds like he isn't that keen......

What I meant by this was that he isn't being proactive in contacting you.
You're getting upset about it. I understand. I was exactly the same. But if a man is really interested in you, he'll make sure you know about it. The fact that you have to contact him first all the time says it all.
He isn't interested enough to make an effort.

Original poster
hexagon123 · 19/03/2023 13:54

@TheShellBeach he's made it clear he's interested in me.... as in he's told me he likes me etc.... but his actions don't follow through with any interest on his side,

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 19/03/2023 17:55

hexagon123 · 19/03/2023 13:54

@TheShellBeach he's made it clear he's interested in me.... as in he's told me he likes me etc.... but his actions don't follow through with any interest on his side,

Yes, that's what I meant.

Wishimaywishimight · 19/03/2023 19:05

Words are easy OP, they mean nothing. It's actions that count and he is clearly not that bothered. Please don't waste your time with someone who us only vaguely interested on the basis that "but he SAYS he likes me..." He can say anything he likes but seeing is believing.

Wishimaywishimight · 19/03/2023 19:07

hexagon123 · 18/03/2023 22:57

I feel like I'm always asking him. He's pretty laid back.

Show quote history

He's not "laid back", he's just not that interested. If he was "laid back" but crazy about you, you'd know it.

GoldDuster · 19/03/2023 19:28

hexagon123 · 18/03/2023 23:56

Now I think about it I asked about him having enough time to date me.... as he has kids and he wasn't too responsive in the messages.

He's got kids. You met him six weeks ago and you've been on a few dates.

I think despite him saying he likes you, and he might well do, he's showing you that he hasn't got the time for you that you'd like. And if he's got children that's fair enough that they're the priorty.

Don't hang your hat on this one, you don't need to have any conversations about it, or ask him what he 'wants', decide for yourself that you want more.

Justcallmebebes · 19/03/2023 19:37

hexagon123 · 18/03/2023 23:17

He's already said that he is.... he messaged me saying he liked me etc.

Show quote history

Actions speak louder than words and words are cheap. He's not that into you so move on

Original poster
hexagon123 · 19/03/2023 23:52

So I bit the bullet and asked him.

All good :)

OP posts:
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