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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be miffed that dh spent more on dss mum than me for mothers day?

62 replies

fraee · 18/03/2023 19:41

Just that.

Ds came home very upset said he wanted to get me something else and dh said no. It was small and still wouldve been less than what dss spent on his mum.

I know its very small in the grand scheme of things but surely he would want to spend more on me?

OP posts:
ShonaShoop · 18/03/2023 21:05

My DS (aged 5) gave me “Breakfast in bed” (back in the day). Me and his dad had recently separated.

That was the best jam sandwich I will ever have - despite the bite taken out of it, because DS wanted to make sure it tasted nice ❤️

It wasn’t the best being woken up before 5am and having a gloopy jam sandwich (and a stone cold cup of coffee) thrust at you as the maker stood by, intent on your joyous reaction 🫣

It will always be the uppermost best memory of my life 🥰

It beats anything my DH bought from my DC tbh.

Lovelynondriver · 18/03/2023 21:07

This is so weird. Today I remembered when I was 5 and my Dad took me shopping to choose my mum some earrings for Mothers Day.

I can guarantee he spent more on my mum than step mum. To keep the peace!!

Happy ex wife, easily rest of life 😂

I'm 36 now.

saraclara · 18/03/2023 21:09

He didn't spend the money on DSS's mum. He spent the money on DSS so that DSS could get his own mum what he wanted to get her.

FFS. This you're being absolutely ridiculous.

Slothsandspiderman · 18/03/2023 21:10

I’ve told my husband not to buy me a card as the kids have both made them at their clubs so they are the ones that matter - also a bar of dairy milk is perfect with a cup of tea in bed. (Only after 9am mind) 😜.

Loraloralaughs · 18/03/2023 21:13

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Sometimeswinning · 18/03/2023 21:13

blackbeardsballsack · 18/03/2023 20:51

Oh get a grip. If my DC's dad spent more/made more of a show of getting stuff for me than his DP for Mother's Day, to the extent that a young child could even see the disparity, I would think it was really weird.

Show quote history

A child and adult should see things very differently. I get some adults struggle with this, you're a prime example.

melj1213 · 18/03/2023 21:16

YABU

Firstly I notice in your OP you say "he wanted to get me something else" implying that he already had a gift and your DS wanted to buy an additional item ... Even if it was only small and cheap, if your DS had already spent the budget given to him then there were no more funds to spend and he should have been told so regardless of whether the DSS spent more.

Additionally we don't know the age difference or how the budget was set by your DH - if it's a 3yo DS and a 15yo DSS then there's going to be a different expectation and budget for a gift than if it's a 4yo DS and a 7yo DSS, especially if the DSS has their own money to add to the budget given by their dad and has a specific item in mind to buy for their mum.

Regardless of which it's not even Mother's Day and you're already complaining about what you didn't get and comparing it to other people's gifts which is the height of entitlement - Mother's Day gifts are supposed to be about the thought that has gone into them from your child, not about the monetary value of the item.

MNbingo · 18/03/2023 21:18

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

It’s really not, I get the popcorn out every year for the angst.

Yousee · 18/03/2023 21:24

itsgettingweird · 18/03/2023 20:45

Perhaps he appreciates that his ex is raising his kid without him around and you are raising yours with him there?

Unless there is other issues in your relationship I really would not let this small thing upset you.

If OPs DH thinks she is less of a mother than his ex due to his mere presence and this must be demonstrated to his children in a material fashion on Mother's Day then I'd say that is a fairly big problem in the relationship to be honest.

HateLongCovid · 18/03/2023 21:24

I've bought my own card this year. Both my kids are poorly and husband has enough to do. I'm really not bothered. Having waited years to get pregnant having children at all is my gift! It really isn't about the money, although I do understand if you're upset on behalf of your child OP Flowers

Kranke · 18/03/2023 21:25

ShonaShoop · 18/03/2023 21:05

My DS (aged 5) gave me “Breakfast in bed” (back in the day). Me and his dad had recently separated.

That was the best jam sandwich I will ever have - despite the bite taken out of it, because DS wanted to make sure it tasted nice ❤️

It wasn’t the best being woken up before 5am and having a gloopy jam sandwich (and a stone cold cup of coffee) thrust at you as the maker stood by, intent on your joyous reaction 🫣

It will always be the uppermost best memory of my life 🥰

It beats anything my DH bought from my DC tbh.

Yes - this!!

shattered25 · 18/03/2023 21:30

ShonaShoop · 18/03/2023 21:05

My DS (aged 5) gave me “Breakfast in bed” (back in the day). Me and his dad had recently separated.

That was the best jam sandwich I will ever have - despite the bite taken out of it, because DS wanted to make sure it tasted nice ❤️

It wasn’t the best being woken up before 5am and having a gloopy jam sandwich (and a stone cold cup of coffee) thrust at you as the maker stood by, intent on your joyous reaction 🫣

It will always be the uppermost best memory of my life 🥰

It beats anything my DH bought from my DC tbh.

Ahh that is just adorable 🥰 beautiful!

marchella · 18/03/2023 21:31

What were the gifts?

namnamnam22 · 18/03/2023 21:35

Tbh my DSD is taking her mum out for lunch tomorrow (DH paying) whereas I know I’ll get something like bath bombs/skincare things from DH on behalf of our baby - probably £20odd less than DSD however lunch is ideal for DSD and her mum and I know my DH would have wandered round Lush for ages sniffing bath bombs to see what I’d like - it’s the thought that counts IMO.

memesndmoreme · 18/03/2023 21:36

I'd be angry too OP. At least he should have spent equal amounts. I personally would outright confront him about this.

WinterMusings · 18/03/2023 21:39

saraclara · 18/03/2023 21:09

He didn't spend the money on DSS's mum. He spent the money on DSS so that DSS could get his own mum what he wanted to get her.

FFS. This you're being absolutely ridiculous.

@sa

And you're fine with DS not being allowed the gift he wanted to get for his mum?

YaWeeFurryBastard · 18/03/2023 21:42

BlackBarbies · 18/03/2023 20:15

I wouldn’t like that at all but I personally couldn’t be with someone who has a child from a previous relationship. I’d compare everything and get annoyed at small things so it’s really best for me to not get myself into a situation like that.

As the gifts have been bought, what exactly can you do? Say to DH, ‘well why have you spent more on DSS’s mum then you have on me.’ You’d just look crazy

Agree. First sensible post on step parenting I’ve seen in a long time! It’s fine to not be ok with it, it’s not fine to ignore all that and then get annoyed at the step child for every minor thing which is often not their fault.

Phoebo · 18/03/2023 21:48

ShonaShoop · 18/03/2023 21:05

My DS (aged 5) gave me “Breakfast in bed” (back in the day). Me and his dad had recently separated.

That was the best jam sandwich I will ever have - despite the bite taken out of it, because DS wanted to make sure it tasted nice ❤️

It wasn’t the best being woken up before 5am and having a gloopy jam sandwich (and a stone cold cup of coffee) thrust at you as the maker stood by, intent on your joyous reaction 🫣

It will always be the uppermost best memory of my life 🥰

It beats anything my DH bought from my DC tbh.

This is so lovely 😍

Sometimeswinning · 18/03/2023 21:51

He could spend the same and split his time between his child and your child spoiling both mums on mother's day.

I know I'm getting extra time in bed and probably some toast and coffee. We'll then, as a family go and visit my mum and lay flowers on dhs mums grave. Honestly, have a word with yourself. It's not just about the presents. To be fair mine will be homemade and a bunch of flowers (from our local tescos according to life360)

Tothemoonandbackx · 18/03/2023 21:54

@ShonaShoop honestly, this has just made me so happy reading this, what a wonderful mum you are ❤ Xx

Goingoutdancing · 18/03/2023 21:58

ShonaShoop · 18/03/2023 21:05

My DS (aged 5) gave me “Breakfast in bed” (back in the day). Me and his dad had recently separated.

That was the best jam sandwich I will ever have - despite the bite taken out of it, because DS wanted to make sure it tasted nice ❤️

It wasn’t the best being woken up before 5am and having a gloopy jam sandwich (and a stone cold cup of coffee) thrust at you as the maker stood by, intent on your joyous reaction 🫣

It will always be the uppermost best memory of my life 🥰

It beats anything my DH bought from my DC tbh.

Awwww too cute ❤️

melj1213 · 18/03/2023 21:59

WinterMusings · 18/03/2023 21:39

@sa

And you're fine with DS not being allowed the gift he wanted to get for his mum?

Show quote history

The OP says he wanted to buy "something else" so for all we know the OPs DH had said that each child has a set budget and they already had a gift, the DS just wanted to buy something extra that would have taken him over his budget.

If he already spent £39 on a card, flowers, chocolate and a necklace for the OP that their DS had chosen and then the DS also wanted to buy her a £5 cuddly toy DH is not unreasonable to say no because they already had a gift, he'd be going over budget and it wasn't a "necessity" even if it was "only" £4 over budget.

Meanwhile the OPs DSS spent the full £40 on a bag he knows his mum loves and has been considering buying for herself. DH then also spends an extra £1 so that DSS has a card to give his mum too ... Yes it takes DSS over his £40 budget but only so he can give her a card too (unless they had card etc available at home it was cheaper to buy a card than make one)

Technically the OPs DH has spent more on the DSSs mum, but for practical reasons not because of favouritism.

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 18/03/2023 22:02

Morechocmorechoc · 18/03/2023 19:52

Ask your husband flat out why he was so mean and why he feels she should have more and your DS is upset as not allowed the same. This would make me mad.

Well given she only gets part time help from the ex, her child's father maybe he thought he should spend a bit extra. Seems fair to me. Some of these grabby comments are very disturbing 😳

doritstew · 18/03/2023 22:03

My daughter had made me a homemade card. I'm happy with that. So greedy.

CandyLeBonBon · 18/03/2023 22:10

I'm honestly astounded at how much this stuff has become so much more important in the last few years!

I know my kids love me. Stone cold cups of tea and hygienically challenged foodstuffs are the hallmarks of childish love.

I would hate for any of them to feel that their efforts were not financially acceptable.

When they were little exh facilitated them a bit but belittled their home-made efforts. Those are the bits I treasure the most, and I still have them, or photos of them, to share with my kids as they get older and forget their little-ness.

Honestly op, try not to reduce it to numbers. Your ds loves you. It shouldn't be a competition as to who can or should spend the most.