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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Frustrated with my life - please help

44 replies

IndigoLight · 18/03/2023 17:22

Im probably going to be flamed but im really desperate and at breaking point. Im a sahm to 2 dc. A 6yo and an almost 5m old. My older dc, the experience was absolutely a nightmare. He had colic, reflux, was an extremely high needs and clingy baby. I did not enjoy being a mum at all. He cried constantly, never napped for more than 10 minutes at a time and just wanted to be stuck into me the entire time. Dh is a very hands on dad and we tried everything but he was just an extremely fussy baby. My ds would be sitting on me and if I adjusted myself he would scream and cry if he thought I moved. He would nap and I was trapped in the room with him, if I left he would immediately wake up and just scream. It was the worst, and I felt like I was breaking down. At 16m we sent him to nursery full time (half days) as I couldn’t cope. He cried horribly but I honestly was past the point of caring and I felt I needed space from him.
He then became the fussiest eater which took this to another level of hell. We tried everything, including feeding therapy and he eventually grew out of it. It was only around 5yo that he settled down and we could enjoy him. He is such a lovely, caring boy and an absolute joy. I realised we made alot of mistakes with him and i felt being a sahm was actually detrimental to his early years. We always wanted two kids so last year we had another baby, dd. This time we vowed to do things so differently but here I am again hating being a mum. Hating it. I love my dc but boy do I hate parenting. My dd has a whole lot of issues - cmpa, colic then reflux and he turned out to be another high needs baby. I could cry and scream myself knowing I’m in for it again. We are all trapped by her routine. I feel so awful that my poor ds is constantly being told to be quiet, we are all too toeing around the house, my back is killing me by constantly fucking carrying her, and I’m just hating life. Surely having children shouldn’t make you feel this miserable. Where are we going wrong. This is what daily life looks like.
7:30 wake up and feed
Carry till she falls asleep, she can tolerate about 5min max of floor /playtime before she is screaming.
She goes down for a nap and then I’m trapped in the room with her. If I leave she somehow knows and just screams and cries, and I have to start over. So I sit here highly frustrated until she wakes up.
9:30 wake up, feed, a bit of playtime and then fucking carrying till its next nap time.
Repeat until bedtime. And by that time I have done absolutely nothing for the day, until dh gets home. My poor ds gets home and is tip toeing and constantly shushed to not wake her up. We do not go anywhere because she is a nightmare to take out. Please don’t suggest a sling. She goes purple screaming her lungs out the moment she goes into a sling/carrier. The thought of this being life, just makes me want to run away. Please, please help me. I know I sound like the worst mother ever but I am so beyond the point of desperation. How do we get the baby into some sort of routine, some sort of normality in our lives.

OP posts:

CupEmpty · 18/03/2023 17:28

I don’t have any advice sorry but my first was like this. I think unless you’ve had a baby like this it’s impossible to understand. She’s still so difficult as a 2yo. I’m so sick of friends giving advice when they have clearly easier children.

out of interest what would you have done differently? I’m also amSAHM and I’m not sure it’s helped her. It’s hard as she was so inflexible in routine and like you say wouldn’t sleep etc for anyone else so it still doesn’t feel like I can put her in nursery as she doesn’t cope.

ToBeFrancesca · 18/03/2023 17:31

Others might advise you much better - but is is possible that PND is playing a role?

I'll be shot on here for saying it, but my DC were all Gina Ford-ed because I knew that I could only be a good and effective SAHM if the DC and I had a break from one another. I used to swaddle them as they responded well to it. But I did leave them to cry a bit (not for huge amounts of time, obviously).

And younger siblings absolutely have to be able to cope with older siblings rattling around - it's not fair on a 6 yr old to expect him to tiptoe around. It's the baby who needs to adapt. So it's a weird kind of mixture of you needing to be more 'strict' yet more relaxed. Which is not at all helpful, I realise - but it would be better to at least try letting DD cry a bit now and trying to make sure you get some breaks, rather than ending up sending her to nursery when she's too young to try to get a break that way. I do wonder about PND, though.

ToBeFrancesca · 18/03/2023 17:32

BTW, one of my DC was decidedly not easy!

Autienotnautie · 18/03/2023 17:33

My third was the same. I did not have another. Is there after school clubs ur eldest can do ? Or put youngest in nursery 2/3 afternoons to give you quality time with eldest. At weekends tag team so one does something with elder ds. And other has younger child.

NurseCranesRolodex · 18/03/2023 17:37

Get your DD into nursery for a even one half day. Speak to your GP, you sound exhausted and maybe they can give you some help or get you counselling. There's no shame in feeling the way you do so stop beating yourself up. Things can change and very soon the outlook could be different and seeming more positive. Are you part of a mother & baby group? Maybe getting back to work could help with how you feel. Keep getting support, things will improve.

Tellyaddict123 · 18/03/2023 17:41

I don’t have much to add other than you are doing a great job and being a mother is hard. Some children are super hard work and some people don’t get it unless you have been through it.

Only thing I can suggest is to accept it, sounds odd but I can bet you’re worked up and feeling stressed everyday. If you can accept that’s how your days going to be could you be less stressed. With my first they were awful but I tried to accept it more, getting nap trapped I go through so many series on Netflix. I got snacks and drinks ready then after a while sometimes happily got nap trapped as I was in grossed in a series and looked forward it.

Basically I’m saying it’s a super hard situation but there’s not much you can do to change it, however what positive can you spin, how can you make it more manageable mentally?

pandarific · 18/03/2023 17:45

I’m sorry op! As per the above poster, I think accepting/expecting the day to go like this and - for right now - this is how it is, but it won’t be forever. I went through A LOT of audio books with high needs DS1 throughout lockdown. Again got into a good series and it stopped me going mad.

Original poster

IndigoLight · 18/03/2023 18:05

Thanks all for the replies, had a little cry just now. My dd is only 5months so although it seems like she is only little, she is exactly like my ds and the thought of spending another few years like this absolutely fills me with dread. It's not fair on ds who is just such a sweet boy and I'm frustrated that I don't have time for him. He even asked me if I can give him at least 15 minutes a day without the baby, he said he promises to be silent too . I saw a private doctor last week for blood tests and she was so dismissive about this being a phase, and time flies etc. I didn't know how to say I wish I could skip 5years even if it misses out on the important bits. We have already applied for a nursery spot for her for when she turns 2 but it's such a long way till then. Today all we have done is, dh did the grocery shopping, took ds to an activity, they came home and dh cooked while all I did was trapped in the room with dd. It's 6pm and I haven't even showered yet. Something is wrong, I'm a sahm with a school aged child and I'm struggling to find 5min in the day. Can anyone tell me what their routine was like?

OP posts:

Marchforward · 18/03/2023 18:10

I hear you and I’ve been there. A smaller age gap. I would shower in the morning while DH held the baby. I honestly believe you’re in the worst bit now and it will start to improve in a few weeks.

If she ff or bf. Do you think there could be another allergy or she needs to be on a different formula?

Have your tried a forward facing buggy - if she tolerates it then trying pushing her around to get to sleep.

Careerdilemma · 18/03/2023 18:11

I wonder if the Possums approach to sleep might help you so that you're not constantly trying to achieve naps, avoiding waking her etc. It's basically all about capitalising on natural sleep pressure to maximise sleep, getting on with your day and not stressing about sleep.

Have you tried a sling library to see if there are any she will tolerate? Before long she will be old enough for one of those hip seats which would be better than nothing and at least give you one hand back.

minidancer · 18/03/2023 18:14

I have three children and my third one was like yours. It was horrendous. Can you afford nursery and go back to work? At least you'll have a break. I'm so sorry, I hope you have family support

Inject · 18/03/2023 18:17

Hire a day or night nanny for the youngest maybe. The older one, take him to hobbies, tire him out.

Gymmum82 · 18/03/2023 18:21

My dc1 was like this but only until she was around 1. She grew out of it as I went back to work.
DC2 was like it until she turned about 2.5-3. I got round it by going back to work so she was someone else’s problem and a lot of the time I left her to cry because I was so completely done with this bullshit.
I have basically no happy memories from their baby hoods. But especially dc2. Happy to say now they are 6 and 8 and a delight. Super kind, confident and lovely lovely kids. Obviously they have their moments like all of them. But it does get better. I wouldn’t have survived without going back to work though. Honestly do it. It’s the best thing you can do

Sunnysideup999 · 18/03/2023 18:24

Honestly, I think you need to hire someone to help you a bit. I had similar high needs babies , and the only way I got through it was to accept that they needed more that I could physically and mentally give.
happy mum - happy baby etc. and right now you are not a happy mum - you are a stressed and tired mum - and your children will on some level be picking up on this.
get some help if you can so you can have a break for a few hours a day. You can actually start to enjoy it then.
I know how unenjoable high needs babies are - but you can break the cycle and start to find joy in them - but only if you put yourself first occasionally once in a while.
you cannot pour from an empty cup - and right now your cup is empty.

derbylass81 · 18/03/2023 18:26

I'm so sorry, not much advice but solidarity.

I've been there and it's awful, and people who haven't had a child like that really have no idea. Don't listen to these people when they tell you what you should have done etc. you've done nothing wrong, you've just had two difficult kids.

Some other posters might have advice....all I will say is it will pass

Time4achangeagain · 18/03/2023 18:31

OP, can you get a nanny for a few hours a few times a week? Maybe someone who does after school nannying too and wants school hours. Or find a childminder, again for a few hours a few times a week. Or speak to your GP about getting a Home Start volunteer to come once a week. They might have a suggestion. Not sure how helpful that would be

miawallacesfeet · 18/03/2023 18:42

IndigoLight · 18/03/2023 18:05

Download Little Ones app.
Do the side settling for naps even though the first week is really hard work, don't give in. You'll be putting her down awake for naps in a week and able to be alone three times a day.
Do it now before she gets older and more resistant

Peterpiperpickedapeckof · 18/03/2023 18:42

All my babies were like this - extremely hard work. The youngest is now 10 and I still recall it vividly and remember how difficult I found it.

if you can afford any help, then I would get it. Cut yourself as much slack as you can in any way you need to. It’s bloody difficult

miawallacesfeet · 18/03/2023 18:48

Ignore the under 4 months, 5 months is fine but do it do it do it!

Original poster

IndigoLight · 18/03/2023 18:49

Gymmum82 · 18/03/2023 18:21

This is exactly how I feel right now and why we sent ds to nursery at 16m. People don't understand what it is to have a high needs baby, I see friends being bored because a small baby is so portable and easy to do stuff with- this is something I cannot fathom. I was ashamed to admit this in my op that I do have a nanny/housekeeper who comes in every day but even then It's not making life any easier. The baby does not settle with anyone, we've tried. I feel so awful, my ds has supper alone every night whilst I'm stuck in the room with the baby and dh is still at work. Surely we are doing something massively wrong here.

OP posts:

Lndnmummy · 18/03/2023 18:52

Hey OP, both mine were like this. It is hell on earth and unless you have been through it you just have no idea. My son was 6ish until I could muster up the courage to do it again and then ds2 came and the while circus started again.

Have you looked at early weaning? With cmpa and reflux babies it is often thought to help settle them somewhat. What milk is she on? Is she on omeprazole and gaviscone? Everything (even when nappy changes) on an incline? I'm sure you do all this already but just covering the basics.

You need help to get through this bit. Whatever it is. We couldn't afford nannies, cleaners etc and no family near by. It was brutal. If you can afford it, spend some money on getting someone in to take the baby off you for a couple of hours each day.

I spent alot of time outside. Just walking and walking. Somehow the crying didn't feel as bad when outside.

Lndnmummy · 18/03/2023 18:56

We side settled from 3 weeks. Propped up so baby couldnt fall over on tummy. This was on advice of consultant. Reflux babies struggles hugely with sleeping on their backs.

if the nanny is someone you trust, can you leave the house for an hour. Even to just sit and maybe have a nap in the car outside?

Original poster

IndigoLight · 18/03/2023 19:00

Thank you all for being so kind. I can't speak about this to friends because every one of them have such easy babies and are always gushing with how much they are loving being a mum and here I am can't even relate to that. My poor dd also can't help herself, she has CMPA and we have only just got her onto the right formula and omeprazole although I'm not sure if it's helping that much. I think there's a few things we need to change at home, she needs to get used to noise so that we aren't tip toeing and whispering all the time. The other thing is she needs to self soothe to sleep. I had a complicated birth and my back is just sore and rocking her and carrying her constantly is really affecting me.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 18/03/2023 19:10

My 3rd was like this, utterly horrific but much improved by 12 months, hopefully this will be the case for you this time

I went back to work when she was 6 months for a break from it!

Woodywasatwat · 18/03/2023 19:20

my third was like that and still she still is really, really hard work at 2 and a half. She basically rules our lives and what we can do.

I know exactly what you have been though and are going though.

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