Frustrated with my life - please help

[IndigoLight]

Im probably going to be flamed but im really desperate and at breaking point. Im a sahm to 2 dc. A 6yo and an almost 5m old. My older dc, the experience was absolutely a nightmare. He had colic, reflux, was an extremely high needs and clingy baby. I did not enjoy being a mum at all. He cried constantly, never napped for more than 10 minutes at a time and just wanted to be stuck into me the entire time. Dh is a very hands on dad and we tried everything but he was just an extremely fussy baby. My ds would be sitting on me and if I adjusted myself he would scream and cry if he thought I moved. He would nap and I was trapped in the room with him, if I left he would immediately wake up and just scream. It was the worst, and I felt like I was breaking down. At 16m we sent him to nursery full time (half days) as I couldn’t cope. He cried horribly but I honestly was past the point of caring and I felt I needed space from him.
He then became the fussiest eater which took this to another level of hell. We tried everything, including feeding therapy and he eventually grew out of it. It was only around 5yo that he settled down and we could enjoy him. He is such a lovely, caring boy and an absolute joy. I realised we made alot of mistakes with him and i felt being a sahm was actually detrimental to his early years. We always wanted two kids so last year we had another baby, dd. This time we vowed to do things so differently but here I am again hating being a mum. Hating it. I love my dc but boy do I hate parenting. My dd has a whole lot of issues - cmpa, colic then reflux and he turned out to be another high needs baby. I could cry and scream myself knowing I’m in for it again. We are all trapped by her routine. I feel so awful that my poor ds is constantly being told to be quiet, we are all too toeing around the house, my back is killing me by constantly fucking carrying her, and I’m just hating life. Surely having children shouldn’t make you feel this miserable. Where are we going wrong. This is what daily life looks like.
7:30 wake up and feed
Carry till she falls asleep, she can tolerate about 5min max of floor /playtime before she is screaming.
She goes down for a nap and then I’m trapped in the room with her. If I leave she somehow knows and just screams and cries, and I have to start over. So I sit here highly frustrated until she wakes up.
9:30 wake up, feed, a bit of playtime and then fucking carrying till its next nap time.
Repeat until bedtime. And by that time I have done absolutely nothing for the day, until dh gets home. My poor ds gets home and is tip toeing and constantly shushed to not wake her up. We do not go anywhere because she is a nightmare to take out. Please don’t suggest a sling. She goes purple screaming her lungs out the moment she goes into a sling/carrier. The thought of this being life, just makes me want to run away. Please, please help me. I know I sound like the worst mother ever but I am so beyond the point of desperation. How do we get the baby into some sort of routine, some sort of normality in our lives.

Having seen someone at baby groups go through this it looked horrific. I struggled with my baby and hated the baby year and she was relatively easy.

The friend had a lot of grandparent help so basically someone was always with her holding the baby, it meant she wasn't on her own. If you don't have that, can I suggest putting her in nursery? One of my biggest regrets from the baby year is not starting off with half a day a week as it would have made such a difference to my sanity.

I have a five month old, first time mum, and I really feel for you reading this. I don’t actually know how much you can change a child’s temperament. My little one is very laid back and relaxed, but honestly we’ve done absolutely nothing to achieve this. I’m not saying this to rub it in I’m just saying she is how she is and it’s nothing to do with us. Please don’t blame yourself for how your child is as if it’s something you’re doing.

This probably isn't helpful right at this moment but it sounded like your son switched and so will your daughter. I would try and get a bit of help though so you get a break and do not feel bad for getting help, if you can afford it then you don’t apologise at all. Maybe try and switch off to it a bit - as long as she’s with someone and safe maybe go out for a few hours for some headspace?

Could you afford a nanny a couple of mornings a week to give you a break? That way she’d be in the house (or out and about with nanny) and you can rest, do stuff around the house, go out. Mine was 6 months old and I had a nanny 3 mornings a week - I was working from home so it was a necessity but so is looking after your mental health 💐

God love you. To be honest, in your shoes I'd look for a full time job and full time childcare for her.

Silicon ear plugs or noise cancelling earphones help me deal with days when there is endless crying (my baby is 1).

If you have a nanny then while she’s there go out. Doesn’t matter if baby doesn’t settle. You won’t be there to hear it and it’s not your problem.
While at home wear noise cancelling headphones with music playing. I used to do that a lot when I couldn’t bear the sound of her constant crying.
Genuinely I hated her at the time. I often wished I’d never had her.
She will get better. She might always be quite moany. My dc2 is a proper moaner. She Moans about everything. But she’s also funny and loving. And now she’s 6 I just tell her to stop bloody moaning.
Even if you don’t go back to work if you can afford to. Which I’m assuming you can as you have a nanny. Get her in to full time childcare ASAP. Someone in the home while she’s still wailing isn’t going to be a real help. You need her out and away from you until you are more recovered and able to deal with her and she is more pleasant

Have you taken her to a cranial osteopath? That's definitely worth a go. Sorry to say but let her cry, if you've got a nanny just go out. Let her cry. I know I'll get flamed for that but you can't let history repeat itself
Stop letting your son be silent and tip toe. If she cries, she cries. You got to just break through that.

Also lots of white noise.

My first was like this. I switched from pram to pushchair early as I was so desperate to find a way to get her to sleep and not be on me! I would walk for miles a day to get her to drop off. Being slightly upright in the pushchair seemed to help the reflux issues. It didn't always work but very often she would nod off and I would quickly scurry home and park her up behind the house or in the conservatory. Then get on with things while she slept - or just lay down and rested myself! The added bonus was I got loads of exercise and fresh air and started to feel better too.

Something I never tried with her, but has worked wonders with my second, is a white noise machine. Seems to minimise the stirring/waking up early from naps. It also means you can make a bit of noise around the house.

Hope you find something that helps. See your gp if you suspect you may have pnd. I should have done, in hindsight.

What does omeprazole is she on and in which form? What is the brand name? How long has she been on it? How and when do you administer it to her? In terms of her formula, which one is it? Nutramigen or Neocate? Do you give her the gaviscone powder with it? Sorry for all the questions but I might be able to help here as I have been through it twice (I was then selected to work in a parent steering group along with health care providers to spread awareness.

Please start to go out when the nanny is there. She is 5 months, not weeks. You need to do this. Please do it. Earplugs and noise cancelling headphones are a great idea.

My eldest didn't start napping properly until I went back to work when he was 12 mnths. The childminder was the one that taught him how to self settle. My God, what a difference it made to our lives.

Also to echo others. This level of exhaustion is torture. It really is. It is hard to know what is pnd and what is the absolute despair of the situation. I was on sertraline, twice. I needed it to get through. Take any help you can get. Can you get a few hours sleep at night in a block. I was told by my psychiatrist that I needed a minimum of 4 hours in one stretch. We resolved this by my dh taking over when he got in from work. I went to bed with my eldest at 8.00. Then dh would get me between 12-1pm. He would still get 6-7 hrs before work and I'd get at least one stretch of 4 hrs. That sleep and sertraline saved my life. I put eye mask and ear plugs and white noise on and took a sleeping tablet. Whatever went on between those hours had nothing to do with me. It was someone elses problem.

You are not on your own. We are here to hold your hand until it gets better. This time next year you will be giving advice to another struggling mum.

I have one of these right now op. I thought my first was hard but god my second can take everything!! He is such a light sleeper as well my poor dd has been so good about it. I keep telling her it is a phase.

I honestly think 5 months is the hardest bit because they are quite aware and get bored but can’t actually do anything. When mine was 6/7 months he got into toys in a big way (could sit up) and that has really helped.

inthink I would decide on my priorities. I would not be happy with older child being alone and eating on their own so I would do everything baby needs until oldest child is home and then you switch to focus on older sibling and managing baby until husband is home.

perhaps rethink how you use DH and housekeeper to smooth that? Is housekeeper doing meals? School pick ups? Is older dc doing some clubs?

have you joined the fb groups for reflux? I found them helpful.

good luck!

@IndigoLight have you tried controlled crying to get her to sleep? It’s a nightmare for two weeks but then after that everyone sleeps. And have you tried cranial osteopathy? Sounds like hocus pocus but it does really help, particularly if you had a difficult birth. I agree that it does sound awful and I would feel the same way that you do.

If you have a nanny, feel no guilt and get out of the house. Your nanny will find a way to eventually (could take days) settle her. Get out one hour a day. Go for coffee, a walk, whatever. You baby will be fine.
Just do it, for you and your children who need a happy mummy.

Also as soon as her allergies are sorted sleep train her so that you don't have to be in the room for naps.

Thank you all again for the advice and just letting me vent. I read through all the replies and I'm going to try implement a few things. Dh has a health condition and rest is vital to him so I feel bad enough that he has a stressful job and then comes straight home and stuck into the chaos. Anyway I went to bed with ds early last night and had a good 7hours of sleep and at around 4am swapped with dh. I woke up this morning and dh and ds had a lovely spread of breakfast and cards for me waiting. I was baffled as when I went into the kitchen to boil the kettle it was clean as I had left it last night. Turns out dh fed dd last night and cooked up a storm around 12am whilst I was asleep. I'm going to take each day as it comes and try change things at home with dd and ds. Thanks for listening , happy Mother's Day to you all you amazing Mums❤️

It’s torture, it truly is. It’s why I’m only having one. I absolutely cannot and will not go through this baby stage again. You’re a hero! ❤️

@IndigoLight Happy Happy mothers day!! So lovely to hear your update.

I think until you've been there noone can understand what you mean when you say it's impossible to put her down etc.

I would advise ruling out any health issues.

Leaning into it any way you can. Wireless headphones, audiobooks.

MAKING time for you. I breastfed my first and wouldnt be away from her but with hindsight, a a few hours away from a fed baby would have made a world of difference. I wouldnt have heard of it at the time as I was scared of failing and not being there for her and traumatizing her. But honestly, sometimes you need those 10 mins for a shower even if it means letting her cry in a safe space. She wont remember and you are coming back saner. A broken mum is dangerous. Sometimes it is more harmful to be there for her than to take a break and let her scream. Not all day. Not to train her. But you need to do what you need to do to be safe to look after her.

Can DH take some unpaid leave? Work flexibly or come home for lunch? Baby groups were a life saver just to have someone bring a cup of tea and a biscuit. I went to a lovely group run by the church and the was a much older lady who brought out refreshments and for that one hour I could just be vulnerable and feel like an adult was around to look after me.

Please try not to cope for DHs sake. He knew what he was getting into.

Also had a clingy first baby. I just put him in the sling all day, Co slept and breastfed on demand. That way I slept but the first 3 months were a nightmare, and after that he was super active and exhausting

Hi OP, another thing that came to mind.

Do not assume that your DD will be as difficult and for as long as your DS. Babies are different and she could get better by 12 months. She might not become fussy with food and if she does you might take it with a pinch of salt. Also, now your DS is amazing so no matter how long, you will get some normality & reward at some point down the line. I know it is a cliché thing to say but the most important is that she is healthy, for example you don't have a disable child who will need care for the rest of her life. Not sure if that helps but it is what I tell myself when things are harder with my DCs.

I'm sorry I get it, I only have the one but she is exactly how you descended and it was so so hard! We only know one person that gets it as everyone else had more laid back kids that napped and weren't clingy etc etc. I think you need more space, so I'd def suggest working part time at least for you to get some peace and space, use ear polite/defenders much as possible, I regret I didn't, I ended up after about a year being very triggered by the sound of her voice and 2 yrs on I still am, just wished I use the ear plugs more frequently! I found I felt a hell of a lot better when I started propranolol for anxiety as if triggered major stress and anxiety and those tablets helped me immensely! Speak to the dr about this, Get out with them much as possible, it helped me so much, jjst the change of scenery but when I was in the thick of it I'd forget how helpful even jjsy being in the car was or wondering round town etc. see friends or any family if you can as it helps to get out. I contemplated having another for so long but was so worried about it happening again I'm still on the fence, it's so hard for so many to undertand how abs draining it is having a high needs kid, it is relentless. I remember the realisation point when she just didn't nap and I was like wth am I doing wrong and I realise I wasn't doing anything wrong it was the way she was and 3.5 yrs later she just hardly ever napped, this is a HUGE part of the problem though, they are over tired all the time and they get in a bad routine of doing it, jjsy remember IT WILL get easier but for now you need to TAKE CARE OF YOU also to take care of them so if you need to work more than part time for a while to better do that until you build back up so it and snatch lie downs much as even if it's just resting x x x