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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hating life as a mum

39 replies

bathroomlighter · 18/03/2023 14:25

What a dreadful title, I know.

I love my kids. I am so lucky to have them. I don't know what I want, but I'm just unhappy and feeling hopeless about the future too.

Many have it so much worse than me, yet they seem happy ? Maybe they aren't.

I have a 3 year old and a baby under 1. I don't have financial worries really, which is why I feel so ungrateful about being so unhappy. I go back to work soon, maybe then I'll feel better ?

I try to outsource to make life easier. But it's still so frustrating. My partner works a lot, so it's pretty much all down to me at home. Like I said, I do outsource things. I have a cleaner and my older one goes to preschool. But I still just hate it. I get so frustrated. I feel like I'm just in this little box now. I feel totally trapped.

I don't mind when I have adult company. But looking after both my kids alone all day is an absolute nightmare.

Like I said, my partner works a lot. So usually at least one day at the weekend or sometimes more, I am alone.

Every morning I am alone in getting them up and ready and then I am alone having lunch / dinner together and putting them to bed alone. When they wake up in the night, I'm alone.

Then my partner comes home and I need to find ways to make him happy. Then he needs sex / food. And I just want to crawl into a dark hole, never to be seen again. I don't want to give him anything. I have nothing to give to anyone anymore.

Will this get better when I go back to work ?

I know I don't have a bad situation going. Could I be depressed ?

OP posts:
Sapphire387 · 18/03/2023 14:29

Oh OP.

Are you able to talk to your partner about how you feel? You shouldn't be feeling you need to give him food or sex.

I totally recognise the loss of identity in the early years. It does come back.

yikesanotherbooboo · 18/03/2023 14:33

Can you go back to work earlier? It is completely understandable that you feel you have lost yourself ; two years at home with tinies as well as 18 months of pregnancy all in the last four years or so is a lot . It can be a blessing to be at home with small children but it isn't for every family .I feel for you.

Original poster
bathroomlighter · 18/03/2023 14:36

Sapphire387 · 18/03/2023 14:29

Oh OP.

Are you able to talk to your partner about how you feel? You shouldn't be feeling you need to give him food or sex.

I totally recognise the loss of identity in the early years. It does come back.

I've given up taking to him. He doesn't get it and says I'm always complaining. He offers no solutions. He's just a problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
bathroomlighter · 18/03/2023 14:36

yikesanotherbooboo · 18/03/2023 14:33

Can you go back to work earlier? It is completely understandable that you feel you have lost yourself ; two years at home with tinies as well as 18 months of pregnancy all in the last four years or so is a lot . It can be a blessing to be at home with small children but it isn't for every family .I feel for you.

Return is quite close tbh. In a matter of weeks.

OP posts:
HouseOfEssex · 18/03/2023 14:37

I'm sorry you're struggling OP. I have a similar age gap and found this time really hard. I'm also a SAHM. I found once my oldest started school things got a lot easier, I enjoyed Mumming more with one child and the rest of life became easier. That said, if I had the option to go back to work I would have done so, would have made those years pre school much easier

tenterden · 18/03/2023 14:42

Sounds like a DP problem to me. Does he participate in family life at all OP?

user147283178786 · 18/03/2023 14:47

I only have the one child (honestly don't think I could cope having another) and I returned to work full time when she was a few months old as I just couldn't cope with being stuck at home all day with her. The relief on returning to work was enormous, being able to use my brain, talk to people, have a lunch break! A few months in things did start to feel hopeless again as I realised that not only was I having to work full time but also having to keep everything ticking over at home. Overall it is easier being at work, but your partner needs to be pulling his weight when he's around and not just leaving everything to you because he 'works a lot'. DH has become better at this but still not at the level required if I'm honest.

Original poster
bathroomlighter · 18/03/2023 14:52

user147283178786 · 18/03/2023 14:47

I only have the one child (honestly don't think I could cope having another) and I returned to work full time when she was a few months old as I just couldn't cope with being stuck at home all day with her. The relief on returning to work was enormous, being able to use my brain, talk to people, have a lunch break! A few months in things did start to feel hopeless again as I realised that not only was I having to work full time but also having to keep everything ticking over at home. Overall it is easier being at work, but your partner needs to be pulling his weight when he's around and not just leaving everything to you because he 'works a lot'. DH has become better at this but still not at the level required if I'm honest.

Yeah I also went back full time after my first.

And yes, like you say, initially it was OK. But then I realised again, the rest was still all up to me and I had a really hard time dealing with that. ( but this was during the second covid lockdown etc ). So it was all just very difficult. But yes, looking ahead - I am still feeling hopeless.

OP posts:
Holly60 · 18/03/2023 15:39

tenterden · 18/03/2023 14:42

Sounds like a DP problem to me. Does he participate in family life at all OP?

This is such a trite answer. My DH worked away A LOT when mine were young. It wasn't his fault- he worked hard, earned good money, all of which he put in the joint account, he sorted what he could remotely and when he was around he participated and parented our children.

It was still HARD. It was mind numbing, frustrating, lonely, exhausting. When he came home he didn't really understand as he'd never had to do it. He was exhausted too as he'd been working non stop.

He had been away and wanted to have sex, not unreasonably. I didn't want to have sex, also not unreasonably. Very often we wouldn't have sex but it would leave me feeling guilty because I knew he would like to. He never purposefully made me feel like this. Sometimes we'd have sex because I loved him and wanted to give him what he wanted.

Now we are old (er) and our kids are adults and he doesn't work away, all these problems have gone. We stuck it out and it got progressively easier.

It's not necessarily a DH problem, it's a situation problem.

Holly60 · 18/03/2023 15:41

So all I can say OP I guess is that it will get easier. Your kids will get older and they will get to be better company 😂.

Can you work towards your husband being away less at some point in the future- something to hold on to?

Original poster
bathroomlighter · 18/03/2023 18:03

Holly60 · 18/03/2023 15:41

So all I can say OP I guess is that it will get easier. Your kids will get older and they will get to be better company 😂.

Can you work towards your husband being away less at some point in the future- something to hold on to?

Thank you for your kind words. It's very difficult sometimes to see that things will get better and it's just a ' phase '. It's a very long phase...

OP posts:
teomama · 18/03/2023 18:19

Hey OP, I feel for you! I was very happy when I had my girls, but having two under two is incredibly hard. I am back to work now - life feels as endless running of chores.

Murdoch1949 · 18/03/2023 18:21

You do sound depressed, and living with an unsupportive partner. I hope you cope when back at work, if things don't improve see your GP.

SouthLondonMum22 · 18/03/2023 18:28

It sounds like the issue is your partner here. I would usually suggest that going back to work might help but it sounds like you will still be doing everything anyway.

Working full time isn't an excuse for him to do nothing around the house and little to nothing with the children.

Of course it's miserable attempting to do everything yourself.

Abracadabra12345 · 18/03/2023 18:37

When you do return to work, can you afford to have the children in childcare for one day that you’re home so you can catch up at home and have some precious alone time? Something to look forward to every week? Or start childcare for your baby slightly early. It can feel relentless and suffocating and just having a few hours’ respite can be enough. Especially if you’re having to do all the grunt work at home

Abracadabra12345 · 18/03/2023 18:40

I’m writing this on the assumption that you’ll be working part time which may not be the case...

RandomMess · 18/03/2023 19:00

You sound lonely and depressed tbh.

You spend a lot of time as a sole parent.

I really hope going back to work helps but be mindful it could be depression Flowers

SirVixofVixHall · 18/03/2023 19:08

SouthLondonMum22 · 18/03/2023 18:28

It sounds like the issue is your partner here. I would usually suggest that going back to work might help but it sounds like you will still be doing everything anyway.

Working full time isn't an excuse for him to do nothing around the house and little to nothing with the children.

Of course it's miserable attempting to do everything yourself.

I agree.
It is lonely being at home with very small children all day with no adult company. I found that really hard and my DH didn’t work away as often, he was working from home the majority of the time with various times when he was away at meetings etc.
I loved my tiny dc but it can be relentless and overwhelming when you have no other support. I really think humans aren’t designed to live like this. We evolved to live in small communities with our family all around us.
Also my DH did not come home and expect food and sex ! He came home and cooked supper. Your DH sounds incredibly unsupportive.

Original poster
bathroomlighter · 18/03/2023 19:53

Abracadabra12345 · 18/03/2023 18:40

I’m writing this on the assumption that you’ll be working part time which may not be the case...

I am going back full time.

OP posts:
Original poster
bathroomlighter · 18/03/2023 19:56

Murdoch1949 · 18/03/2023 18:21

You do sound depressed, and living with an unsupportive partner. I hope you cope when back at work, if things don't improve see your GP.

Sometimes I think I might be. But honestly I don't know what the GP will do for me, except give me some pills and some useless talking therapy.

I've done the CBT stuff, but it's not useful to me at all right now. It has its time and place and it's not what I need at the moment.

Maybe a psychotherapist.

I don't really want to take pills. I have them in my bathroom, waiting. But I just don't know if it's the right thing. ( I'm talking about anti d's ).

OP posts:
JaceLancs · 18/03/2023 19:56

This too will pass
2 young DC are hard work - you will be onto the next phase before you know it
you will miss bits that you never thought you would and embrace the changes and challenges ahead

TomatoSandwiches · 18/03/2023 20:05

Your partner needs to make some changes, you are going back to work full time, same as him now, so if he uses that as an excuse to do nowt at home it should be fine for you to do the same yes?
Obviously not, so tell him, there's two children now, you aren't Mary Poppins, he has to do his full share, work is no longer a good enough excuse.

Itsrudemeghan · 18/03/2023 20:06

Go back to work and book annual leave straight away, the odd day every few weeks. Days at home to yourself. Reevaluate how you feel in a few months. First thing I thought was ‘get back to work asap’.

Fiddledeedeeee · 18/03/2023 20:14

OP, I completely understand how you feel.
I have a 3yr old and a 3 mo old and the days when I’m home alone with them I am honestly climbing the walls!
We’ve kept the 3yo in nursery 3 days a week while I’m on mat leave and those feel like the only days I’m actually on mat leave and can enjoy the baby.
I think a lot of it is feelings of guilt for me. When I have both of them alone I feel like I’m neglecting one of them… not enough eye contact for baby, too much ‘in a minute’ for the 3yo 😔 let alone housework, meals etc.

I find if I don’t get out of the house with them I really start going stir crazy so I try to do that every day when I can.

I’ve also started running again and am finding that just 30 mins out by myself, a few early mornings a week is making a massive difference to how I’m feeling.
I haven’t really got any advice OP, but you’re not alone in how you’re feeling!

Redebs · 18/03/2023 20:18

You do sound a bit lonely, OP
You could do with having some nice, positive mates round for a chat and a chill to recharge your emotional batteries.
Young children are hard work and you need some adult company from time to time.
Your husband sounds like an arse if he can't see that you need to be treated like a human being, instead of a husband-servicer. His attitude belongs back in the 20th century.