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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hating life as a mum

39 replies

bathroomlighter · 18/03/2023 14:25

What a dreadful title, I know.

I love my kids. I am so lucky to have them. I don't know what I want, but I'm just unhappy and feeling hopeless about the future too.

Many have it so much worse than me, yet they seem happy ? Maybe they aren't.

I have a 3 year old and a baby under 1. I don't have financial worries really, which is why I feel so ungrateful about being so unhappy. I go back to work soon, maybe then I'll feel better ?

I try to outsource to make life easier. But it's still so frustrating. My partner works a lot, so it's pretty much all down to me at home. Like I said, I do outsource things. I have a cleaner and my older one goes to preschool. But I still just hate it. I get so frustrated. I feel like I'm just in this little box now. I feel totally trapped.

I don't mind when I have adult company. But looking after both my kids alone all day is an absolute nightmare.

Like I said, my partner works a lot. So usually at least one day at the weekend or sometimes more, I am alone.

Every morning I am alone in getting them up and ready and then I am alone having lunch / dinner together and putting them to bed alone. When they wake up in the night, I'm alone.

Then my partner comes home and I need to find ways to make him happy. Then he needs sex / food. And I just want to crawl into a dark hole, never to be seen again. I don't want to give him anything. I have nothing to give to anyone anymore.

Will this get better when I go back to work ?

I know I don't have a bad situation going. Could I be depressed ?

OP posts:
Original poster
bathroomlighter · 18/03/2023 20:24

Fiddledeedeeee · 18/03/2023 20:14

OP, I completely understand how you feel.
I have a 3yr old and a 3 mo old and the days when I’m home alone with them I am honestly climbing the walls!
We’ve kept the 3yo in nursery 3 days a week while I’m on mat leave and those feel like the only days I’m actually on mat leave and can enjoy the baby.
I think a lot of it is feelings of guilt for me. When I have both of them alone I feel like I’m neglecting one of them… not enough eye contact for baby, too much ‘in a minute’ for the 3yo 😔 let alone housework, meals etc.

I find if I don’t get out of the house with them I really start going stir crazy so I try to do that every day when I can.

I’ve also started running again and am finding that just 30 mins out by myself, a few early mornings a week is making a massive difference to how I’m feeling.
I haven’t really got any advice OP, but you’re not alone in how you’re feeling!

Sorry to say ( and I hope it's not the case for you )....

But when the baby starts being mobile, it's another level of hell. At least you have a few months and maybe your older one will be more reasonable by then.

Good on you for going running. I manage to squeeze in exercise too when I put the baby in the crèche. I don't have it so bad, compared to a lot of people. But it's still really getting me down a lot.

Good on you for getting out. I just can't manage it sometimes with both of them. It can be very difficult. Again, it was a bit easier when the little one was younger. But my 3 year old is extremely defiant and has a lot of tantrums, so they're both not easy. But I love them so much.

I wish you all the best. We can do this !

OP posts:
Thedarkestblue · 18/03/2023 20:24

Go back to work and then ditch your partner. Having a partner who ‘needs’ sex from you, even though he knows you don’t want to, and who tells you ‘ you are just complaining’ when you tell him how you feel about his demands for sex you don’t want, is enough to destroy anyone.

I think you’ll feel better when you are working and ditch him, and have the basic human right of autonomy over your own body.

Original poster
bathroomlighter · 18/03/2023 20:25

Redebs · 18/03/2023 20:18

You do sound a bit lonely, OP
You could do with having some nice, positive mates round for a chat and a chill to recharge your emotional batteries.
Young children are hard work and you need some adult company from time to time.
Your husband sounds like an arse if he can't see that you need to be treated like a human being, instead of a husband-servicer. His attitude belongs back in the 20th century.

I'm starting to have a few mates where I live. But sometimes it's so exhausting to organise etc. nothing seems easy at the moment. I just want to lie down and chill out with Netflix for 3 days.

OP posts:
Original poster
bathroomlighter · 18/03/2023 20:28

Thedarkestblue · 18/03/2023 20:24

Go back to work and then ditch your partner. Having a partner who ‘needs’ sex from you, even though he knows you don’t want to, and who tells you ‘ you are just complaining’ when you tell him how you feel about his demands for sex you don’t want, is enough to destroy anyone.

I think you’ll feel better when you are working and ditch him, and have the basic human right of autonomy over your own body.

Honestly I keep thinking about what he brings to my life. At the moment it really doesn't feel like he brings much. He's just another problem and another person I need to take care of and worry about. I just can't do it.

But I'm not sure whether this is a normal feeling just because things are so hard or if it's real and I actually feel this way.

OP posts:
BlackBarbies · 18/03/2023 20:31

I’m literally sitting in my flat with a 11 month and a 22 month old thinking ‘my life is so fucking shit.’

Personally, I hate being a mum. I don’t enjoy it at all, it’s so tiring and everyday is the same. I work part time, see my friends somewhat often and I still feel like this. I have no words of advice but just know that you’re not alone x

readingisgreat · 18/03/2023 20:31

IMO being a mum is shit until the youngest child is at least 6 years old. Once toilet trained and able to be some what reasoned with it becomes a lot easier and pleasant :)

VestaTilley · 18/03/2023 20:32

“Needs sex”. Er, what? No. He doesn’t have a right to your body. And he can get his own food: you’ve been looking after two kids all day, who cooks your food?

You need a break. I hated caring for a baby 24/7 when I was on mat leave- it’s relentless, lonely, depressing and hard. Can you get any help or afford for them both to go to nursery one day a week?

Don’t rule out that you may have PND too - I had it. Talk to your GP if you keep feeling low.

barmycatmum · 18/03/2023 20:32

So basically everyone needs something from you constantly, as children are wired that way - your husband doesn’t have to be a damned child, but it sounds like he’s selfish.

can you do things for you? Just give yourself treats and find something you love to do?

I don’t like how he minimizes your communications by saying you are just complaining.

this is when men, down the road, are “shocked” and “so surprised” when their wife up and leaves them. Dumbass, she told you for YEARS, and you told her she was just complaining.

I guess I wish for a different outcome for you- wish you could feel nurtured, too.

you cannot pour from an empty cup, OP, and it sounds like your cup needs filling with goodness and care.

Original poster
bathroomlighter · 18/03/2023 20:32

BlackBarbies · 18/03/2023 20:31

I’m literally sitting in my flat with a 11 month and a 22 month old thinking ‘my life is so fucking shit.’

Personally, I hate being a mum. I don’t enjoy it at all, it’s so tiring and everyday is the same. I work part time, see my friends somewhat often and I still feel like this. I have no words of advice but just know that you’re not alone x

Sorry to hear that you also feel like this.

But I think this too sometimes. No matter what I do and how many ' breaks ' I get. It's still so shit.

OP posts:
BlackBarbies · 18/03/2023 20:42

Yep 100% OP. You can have a break once every two weeks but the fact is, home life is waiting for you and you’ll eventually have to return to it. Some people enjoy being a parent and others don’t. I’m certainly in the ‘don’t’ camp

HoleyShit · 18/03/2023 20:47

I only have one, an 8 yr old so in many respects parenting is quite easy now. But the early days, my god it nearly finished me off. My husband also works away a lot.

However, I still find it relentless, demanding with pretty much no emphasis on me or what my wants/needs might be! Ultimately it's all about the child still and will be for a good while yet.

Essentially parenting is oh so hard, especially with a crap partner not pulling their weight. Sorry you're going through this Flowers

Wallywobbles · 18/03/2023 21:12

Of never have coped without work to go to and adults to talk to. Being a SAHM (for all 13weeks) was grim.

Marchsnowstorms · 18/03/2023 23:50

There is very good reason lots of us go back to work quite quickly.
Most of my friends did not survive a year of mat leave

Thedarkestblue · 19/03/2023 13:47

bathroomlighter · 18/03/2023 20:28

Honestly I keep thinking about what he brings to my life. At the moment it really doesn't feel like he brings much. He's just another problem and another person I need to take care of and worry about. I just can't do it.

But I'm not sure whether this is a normal feeling just because things are so hard or if it's real and I actually feel this way.

Show quote history

You actually feel that way.

It’s normal to feel like you do in a rubbish relationship.

People in healthy, respectful relationships do not feel that way.

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