Husband and his poor communication. So lonely!

[Autumnrainsss]

Been married 2 years. I love my husband and I know he loves me. He will always ask about my day, ask how I am, what I’ve been doing today. He’ll talk about every day things the news, politics, history, plans for the future. The usual stuff.
When we first met for the first date he enquired about my past, hobbies etc but since this one date he’s never asked again.
It’s really hard to explain in a post so I will show a contrast between my best friend visiting my hometown vs my husband 😂
On two separate occasions I took my husband and best friend to my favourite childhood park.

Friend’ oh wow it’s beautiful. How often did you come here as a child then? Did you go alone or with friends? What did you usually get at the cafe? Has it changed much since you were a child? What was your favourite thing to do in the park? I’d also volunteer information such as my favourite memories but these were her questions while at the park. I’ve never considered it before but I’d also ask such questions if someone was showing me somewhere of interest. Obviously the questions would change depending on where we were but it would just be a natural thing within the conversation. Not something I’ve ever even thought about until I met my husband.

Husband ‘ ah it’s so beautiful here with the trees, lake and equipment’. Comments about the history of the park. What he wants to eat. The food being good. But nothing personal.

This isn’t just in this park. It’s every day. He NEVER asks anything personal.

He’s a GP so very confident, good at communication in some ways, charming. But if I’m honest it’s lonely with this communication style. Never once having someone enquire personally about your hobbies, interests, memories, likes, worries. Yes he does ask about my day when he gets in from work and cares how I’m feeling that day. But I feel without this natural showing of interest in the person you’re talking to that’s a massive error in communication.

I have discussed this with him and for one day he started actually asking me about myself but it only lasted a day. He then said I volunteer the information anyway so no need to ask. Which of course is nonesense as just because I volunteer information doesn’t mean there‘a nothing else to enquire about.

I don’t want to leave my husband. The grass isn’t always greener and I suppose we can’t have everything. He’s faithful, kind, romantic, good provider, good dad. I’m going okay.
But it’s lonely. Really lonely and I have to get my social connect from friends of which I only have one.
‘I’ve noticed a few people like this over the years. I’ve never wanted to meet up again as their conversation is just not stimulating for me.

AIBU?
Is this a normal communication style? Am I expecting too much?

I could have written this exact post about my Partner OP.

I agree it can feel lonely however I try to have the mindset of not expecting to have ALL needs met by one person.
My dp makes me laugh until my belly hurts and makes me feel safe and loved so I'm
Happy to go to friends and family for some of my emotional needs to be met if that makes sense?

If he makes you happy in all other areas of your relationship I'd let it slide but I imagine other posters will be on to tell you to LTB 🙄

You sound quite high maintenance. I don’t have friends who would ask questions like that and I wouldn’t expect them to.

I think your friend is the rarity here. Treasure her.

I would also ask similar questions with a friend. I can’t imagine NOT wanting to ask such questions and have found generally most people do show an interest in their friend or the person they’re with. They want to know more about them and their lived experience. It’s a shame if that hasn’t been your experience because it should be the norm.

Yes it’s lonely. Very lonely. I think if I had a huge group of friends I’d probably feel better but I only have one and don’t see her much so my husband is a big source of company for me.
The example I gave; that is just an example. It’s just the contrast between my husband and the average person. Or what I’d be like with someone.

Ah ok, now we are getting to the root of it. It’s rare to only have one friend and a DH. Can you join groups / start a hobby etc to expand your social circle?

No one person can meet all your needs. This is exactly why one must keep up with girlfriends.

I don’t mean this in a rude way but didn’t you know this before you got married?
To be honest what you have described seems to be a typical male way of talking, more on the facts rather the abstract.

I think that is closer to the truth. When I get together with friends we talk about what's going on in our lives. Usually the info is volunteered, although a few questions may be asked. I think asking lots of questions could easily slide into feeling like an interrogation if it's not done well.

I also think both my husband and I communicate very well. The information is freely given and rarely requires a string of questions.

Honestly I think your husband sounds fine.

That’s a lot of expectations on a park visit! I’d never ask all that of anyone really!
If you tell him stuff is he interested, does he listen? Because that’s the important bit.
’Should be the norm’??!!! In who’s opinion? That’s a very sweeping statement that I disagree with.
Everyone communicates differently, everyone has different interests. I’m not interested in finding out every minute detail about people, even people I love. I expect them to tell me if they want me to know stuff as I would if I had something to tell them. I’d expect them to listen, comment and show interest in what I had to say but I do feel you do sound a bit needy.
I also agree with finding some other people to connect with. I feel
like you’re expecting a lot from one person and being a bit unfair.
and he is showing interest in you. He asks you how you are and gives you openings to talk to him. If you have stuff you want to say then say it!!

I’m not sure about this one. I don’t think it sounds like your husband has poor communication exactly, just that he isn’t interested in the same aspects of things as you are.

If I took my husband to somewhere meaningful to me as a child, I would probably just tell him my memories and wouldn’t really expect probing questions about my childhood and experiences. We tend to talk more about current day issues and things that interest us. I’m interested to see what others think.

I think your husband sounds a very good communicator... mine just grunts when he comes in from work! Sometimes I've been on the cusp of ltb, as mealtimes can be completely silent! Admittedly mine is at the far end of crap communicator, which I wouldn't mind so much if he was any good at listening, but he's crap at that too! On the other hand I'd find it much more exhausting living with someone with verbal diarrhoea...so on balance I reckon yours has it about right!
I think you need to look at getting involved in some social activities, and getting a bigger friendship circle. Pre-marriage and kids I joined a diving group and few other outdoorsy type groups, made some great friends and thirty years on, I'm still in contact with quiet a few.

My DP is like this as are his whole family. As the newest member of the family I find it really hard that they never ask me about myself in an attempt to get to know me. At first it upset me and I felt stupid as I'd often blather on about myself because no one ever asked-and I wanted them to know me and vice versa-and I wondered how that came across.

However, now having sat back and observed. They all only ever do superficial chat with each other. Either about the weather or literally what they can see in front of them. They never probe. They never ask about feelings or share them and they just don't seem naturally curious people. Unlike me and my family. So it's not a me thing it's just how they are. But they are warm and welcoming and kind in their own way and I am not singled out with this behavior.

But it has taken a lot of adjustment. I get a lot of great things from my DP and he is not uninterested. He just shows his interest in a very different way to me.

On the other end of the spectrum I have one friend who I feel is overly interested and asks me a lot of details about my day to day to an extent sometimes I can't answer her as she asks me things I hadn't even thought to consider and I wonder why she needs to know.

Mine is just the same. I love him for it. I'll chatter away and he'll listen, but doesn't ask stuff. He's much quieter, so I'll try to draw him out in conversation. I have discovered that if i listen well, then he opens up, and we have a much deeper conversation.
He's wonderful peaceful company, and I cherish that, and I have more intense conversation with my daughters and some of my friends. There's a lot to be said for finding common ground with people during a conversation, and offering up information about yourself is a good springboard for that.
I actually think your husband sounds a very decent sort, and the stimulating conversation you crave comes from getting to know people over time, rather than bombarding them with questions.

GP is a very demanding social job even if he only does telephone appts they are still very draining. I’ve worked in a similar less well paid role and all I wanted when I got home was quiet contemplation and to get on with dinner, kids baths. DH respected this boundary as he knew I had been talking to people all day. I’ve changed jobs now and only work part time plus the kids are older so the dynamics have changed. Do you work OP? It can be lonely if you don’t have a job yourself if you have been use to working before. It sounds like you love and respect your DH so not sure what to suggest if he has tried and failed to address this issue you have with him. Maybe start a shared hobby together?

This is why it's really important not to expect all of your relational needs to be met by one person, because they usually won't be up to the job - we must cultivate connections with others and not let romantic relationships crowd them out. Friends, aquaintances, family, etc. you can get different things from these different people that you have relationships with.

I think this is spot on. My dh is in a demanding profession and has quite demanding client calls each day. He is all talked out by the end of the day.

I feel lonely sometimes but I have been married over 25 years. If I was feeling lonely after two years, I must admit I’d be a bit worried. Having said that I think your friend is quite unusual in the other direction! 😃

I'm your DH in this situation - and you're more like my DH.

I enjoy conversations that flow, not endless (seemingly pointless) questions.
I mean, what did you have to eat in the cafe as a child?? I couldn't be bothered to think about and answer a question like that and who would want to ask such inane things (I'm not being deliberately disparaging about your friend, it's just my point of view)

If there's info or memories I want to share then I'll do it, I don't need to wait for questions. My DH asks mountains of questions and it can often feel like an interrogation. His measure of a good conversation is how many questions the other person has asked.

As a GP, your DH will have to ask millions of questions during the course of the day, I think you'd be lucky to get any conversation at all out of someone that has to do that on a daily basis.

To be honest, I feel a bit sorry for your DH, I'm an NHS HCP and when I get home from work, I'm so exhausted I can't think of anything except inane TV programmes. I'm more likely to ask DH to be quiet than actually ask him questions that lead to an actual conversation.

To add to my earlier post, my DH understands I'm too tired to talk and is happy to cuddle up to me on the sofa, stroking my hair, bringing me drinks and snacks. He doesn't demand that I start asking him questions.

I think you need to reframe the 'poor communication' as 'communication that is different from yours'.

I dont have many friends who would have any interest in coming to a childhood park with me. And even with people that I love, if they asked to show me something like that from their childhood, I'd have a reaction similar to your husbands. In my view its all kind of irrelevant unless you're both having a conversation about parks or something. In fact if someone started asking me questions like "How often did you come here as a child then? Did you go alone or with friends? What did you usually get at the cafe? Has it changed much since you were a child? What was your favourite thing to do in the park?" I'd feel like they were being really intrusive and a bit obsessive and I'd feel quite uncomfortable. I'm not sure what you can learn about someone by knowing they used to drink chocolate milk from the cafe when they were 7.

You are not going to change him. And the chances of you finding someone that has the communication style that you prefer are likely to be small. So I think you need to try and make peace with it.

I am like your friend OP.
I realised only recently (at a baby group, no less) that I was asking so many questions, while no-one asked any of me. Then I quickly realised that is true of everyone in my life! I chat and ask a lot of questions out of genuine curiosity, but it would also be nice to be asked something sometimes. People generally listen when I volunteer information so I think it's just different styles of conversation. Sometimes I feel like my conversation needs are not fulfilled.

People are different. I find idle or constant chatter so, so difficult. I would rather sit quietly.

At least yours makes any attempt at all to talk to you......

He sounds such a nice person OP. I think you’re being really unfair.
Join some interest groups and make more friends and that might give you the varied chatter that you crave.
Give him a break, life isn’t all about you, I doubt my OH knows much about my childhood, teenage years etc and we’ve been together forty years.