Husband and his poor communication. So lonely!

[Autumnrainsss]

Been married 2 years. I love my husband and I know he loves me. He will always ask about my day, ask how I am, what I’ve been doing today. He’ll talk about every day things the news, politics, history, plans for the future. The usual stuff.
When we first met for the first date he enquired about my past, hobbies etc but since this one date he’s never asked again.
It’s really hard to explain in a post so I will show a contrast between my best friend visiting my hometown vs my husband 😂
On two separate occasions I took my husband and best friend to my favourite childhood park.

Friend’ oh wow it’s beautiful. How often did you come here as a child then? Did you go alone or with friends? What did you usually get at the cafe? Has it changed much since you were a child? What was your favourite thing to do in the park? I’d also volunteer information such as my favourite memories but these were her questions while at the park. I’ve never considered it before but I’d also ask such questions if someone was showing me somewhere of interest. Obviously the questions would change depending on where we were but it would just be a natural thing within the conversation. Not something I’ve ever even thought about until I met my husband.

Husband ‘ ah it’s so beautiful here with the trees, lake and equipment’. Comments about the history of the park. What he wants to eat. The food being good. But nothing personal.

This isn’t just in this park. It’s every day. He NEVER asks anything personal.

He’s a GP so very confident, good at communication in some ways, charming. But if I’m honest it’s lonely with this communication style. Never once having someone enquire personally about your hobbies, interests, memories, likes, worries. Yes he does ask about my day when he gets in from work and cares how I’m feeling that day. But I feel without this natural showing of interest in the person you’re talking to that’s a massive error in communication.

I have discussed this with him and for one day he started actually asking me about myself but it only lasted a day. He then said I volunteer the information anyway so no need to ask. Which of course is nonesense as just because I volunteer information doesn’t mean there‘a nothing else to enquire about.

I don’t want to leave my husband. The grass isn’t always greener and I suppose we can’t have everything. He’s faithful, kind, romantic, good provider, good dad. I’m going okay.
But it’s lonely. Really lonely and I have to get my social connect from friends of which I only have one.
‘I’ve noticed a few people like this over the years. I’ve never wanted to meet up again as their conversation is just not stimulating for me.

AIBU?
Is this a normal communication style? Am I expecting too much?

So, your DH asks you about what’s happening in the present - how you are, how’s your day been etc - and he chats about current affairs. He makes plans for the future. You know he loves you.

But he doesn’t ask you about your past, or ‘personal things’ which you define as ‘hobbies, interests, memories, likes, worries’ and so you’re lonely? Is that right?

I mean - aren’t these just topics of conversation that come up anyway, as part of everyday life? Taking the park as an example, wouldn’t you be the one initiating the conversation about your memories of the park? Why would he have to be the one to ask? It doesn’t sound very natural to me - I would just share my memories and the conversation would flow from there.

Similarly with worries, say - I wouldn’t ask my DH what he’s worried about unless he appeared worried. I wouldn’t ask him a question about his hobbies unless we were discussing him doing the hobby, in which case it’s just something that’s come up in conversation about the day to day.

I think your dh's way of communicating, and his comments about the park, sound much more normal than your friend's tbh. I mean... I'm a reasonably chatty person, but I'd find that level of questioning a bit weird and verging on intrusive tbh.

Urgh I hate asking questions and just hope people tell me. If you want to say about the park to him just tell him, why has he got to ask 20 questions. I tell dh about my day and what iv done or how hobbie went or some gossip then he tells me about his.

I agree that it is just different styles of conversation, neither is particularly "better". Personally I love deep conversations but I might start to feel a bit interrogated by your friend's style, depending on how sensitively she does it.

It's great to be with a partner with a well matched conversation style, but as you say, no-one can have everything. Treasure your friendship.

I’d be annoyed answering lots of questions like that! I’m introverted so not sure if it’s because I like to volunteer information rather than just have endless chattering and questions. You clearly don’t find it annoying but kind of comforting as it shows someone is interested in you. I just wouldn’t be interested in knowing those things about a person.

I hope this doesn’t sound too unkind but I think you sound a bit precious and unreasonable quite honestly.
You have differing social needs for conversation but instead of broadening your circle to accommodate your own preferences, you expect him to change his personality and conform to your own insular view of what is acceptable
If one friend and one (perfectly nice sounding) husband aren’t enough for you, - and they wouldn’t be for most people I would imagine - it’s on YOU to fill in the gaps by widening that circle

Well, he has a demanding job and is with people all day - so that's one thing. People with these kind of jobs can be almost mute at home, because they need downtime.
But it's also possible to have different views on this. Frankly, if a friend or partner asked me all the personal questions that you seem to like then I'd probably consider them rude, intrusive and exhausting and dump them! Your husband sounds lovely.

Imo your friends' questions about the park are way over the top. Who asks those sorts of questions? I love my friends dearly but I'm truly not bothered about their childhood in a fucking park

You sound VERY high maintenance and your husband sounds lovely

A normal guy having normal interactions with his wife

If you are lonely as you have few friends make more friends

Stop dumping all your needs at your poor husbands door

Your husband seems to me to be communicating in the manner of many males. That's why it's good to have a mix of women and men in your life to get a good balance.

Realistically OP none of us can ever be fully known by another person, no matter how many questions we’re asked about what we had at a cafe when we were a child, or how a park had changed (I appreciate that was just an example you were giving).

That’s the -perhaps lonely? - nature of human existence. I don’t see that as an issue you can blame on your husband’s communication.

Do you work? What do you all day? If you are doing very little and are lonely, I can see why you expect so much from your husband when he comes home, but it’s probably too much forhim.

Your friend’s questioning sounds OTT to me. I am very good at chatting, social
skills etc and am lucky enough to have quite a lot of friends. But I would never ask so many deep searching questions about a park. As the answers are of little interest to me. I would respond to your comments about your childhood but otherwise would enjoy the here and now in the park.

I read many reasons to end a relationship on MN. This is definitely not one of them.

I hope this doesn't seem too brusque a question but I don't quite understand op why you feel lonely when he is romantic?

I could understand no talking + no romance = lonely, but not otherwise. Doesn't the romance make up for the rest? Or do you feel he is not sufficiently interested in you as a person?

I don't like saying to other women "oh you are too much, your demands are too much" because marriage often does mean living more in a man's world than suits us naturally, and women often have to suppress bits of themselves to make it work, plus you are an individual and your feelings are your own and no one here can really judge accurately if they are justified or not, but you have asked the question on here so you are obviously wondering too! So maybe it would be helpful to see a licensed therapist to work this out because often when we have a problem with someone else, in the nicest possible way, it sometimes signals a problem we have within ourselves. Good luck to you op.

I couldn't be doing with your friend. She sounds like Louis Theroux. The grilling. I hate doing that life story stuff, I just share incidents and observations as they arise naturally. I actually hate telling "stories" and the idea that this is what makes you a good conversationalist. If someone gets out a 'story' that they've obviously told a million times it makes me want to pull my hair out. I think Susan Cain critiques this in Quiet - the notion that telling 'amusing' anecdotes is the most important social skill. I prefer back and forth, debates, commentary and observations. I also get really paranoid that I've already told someone the same story. Something more people should worry about IMO.

Another thing is, I'm guessing a GP spends all day prising useful information and past history out of people. I doubt he wants to do that at home.

Reading back to your OP @Autumnrainsss I would find all of those questions your friends have asked like I was being interrogated.
How long have you and your husband known each other/been together?

I think I have a different view as I have my known my husband since we were both 12. We have a lot of history together, there's still things we learn about each other, random stories from our childhoods that we haven't heard of still.
For me it just takes time to get to know someone (it's been 22 years for us!).
I think it's just different communication styles!
I don't understand how this makes you feel lonely, could you try and explain better?

I think when your whole day is asking people how they are and knowing personal details it becomes very emotionally draining. Sometimes all someone wants is a superficial conversation because that's all they have capacity for that day.

Being a GP is extremely emotionally draining and it sounds like he's being incredibly present in your relationship despite the stresses of his job, just not in the way you want him to be.

Who even asks questions like what did you eat in your childhood cafe you've just shown me...seriously who?!! 🤨 I csn never imagine that scenario ever happening.

I've had friends show me where they used to live, id ask how long comment on if the house will is beautiful...I would never go beyond that and ask more like what your suggesting.. in this case you would probably expect to be asked..so was ur bedroom small, what colour were the walls, what did u like about your house...

Erm no just no. Find some more friends but otherwise I think your expecting far too much

I think this is probably more due to a lack of a larger friendship group and different personalities bouncing off each other then your husbands communication style. GPs do have to have a degree of empathy so I'm probably sure this is one personality in your best friend vs another in your husband, one extreme to another. Do you have any opportunities to get out and meet new people? Sounds like you rely on your husband to provide a fair bit emotionally to you.

It sounds like you are in dire need of a wider social network, and also a more realistic expectation of day-to-day conversation. For me, your friend's questioning style comes off as way too intrusive and almost interrogative. It sounds like you aren't working - perhaps that would introduce you to more people socially?

I think it just sounds like you're different "types" of people. You are the type to want to look back and reminisce occasionally, and your DH seems to live in the moment more. I don't think there's anything "wrong" with either approach, I suspect you just need to accept that you're different in this way, rather than seeing it as a failing on his part.

I'd hate the level of questioning your friend does and you want. I much prefer your husband's communication style. You have different communication styles and different communication needs, which can be a big issue, but one worth working on if the rest of the relationship is good and you love each other.

You could talk and work on it together, him asking a little more, you saying more of what you want to say without expecting intense questioning. Trying to make some more friends, even just online might help you get more of your needs met. You could get relationship counselling to find ways to communicate better with each other, compromise needs to come from both sides, not just you expecting him to change.

I don’t understand your surprise - had you not known him long before you married? I’m confused as to why his conversational style is annoying you now- surely he’s always been like this?

YABU - a lot of men are like this. Not much depth, and no asking deep and meaningful questions.