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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mothers day guilt

29 replies

Mo819 · 18/03/2023 10:50

So every mothers day for as long as I can remember we have been to visit my mil with cards and presents. Late last year I lost my mum and I am feeling really low about all so this year I would just rather not . But last week we got the usual reminder about how it's mothers day ,how she BETTER get something nice and how you only get ONE mother. And I honestly felt like she was trying to rub salt in the wounds this is not unusual behavior for her . I am more than happy for my husband to take the kods but WIBU not to go ?

OP posts:
Lovelyveg82 · 18/03/2023 10:53

What a peculiar woman your MIL is.

Drop her a line to say that you’re feeling very low and don’t want to put a dampener on the day so you will stay and home.

and then Indulge and enjoy the house to yourself

Ludo19 · 18/03/2023 10:56

Your MIL lacks tact. I'd bow out of going round, she needs to be a tad more thoughtful but if she's got form for being like this I'd just swerve tomorrow.

Hopedun · 18/03/2023 10:57

Fuck that, she sounds awful. Just send your H and the kids and do something you want to do for the day.

My MIL deserves nothing for mothers day, she's an awful woman but still rings up asking what she's getting before every occasion.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/03/2023 10:58

She’s not YOUR mum, never has been, never will be. She needs to address her demands to HER son and leave you out of it.

If you’re okay having some time to yourself then DH takes the kids. If you’re not then he should prioritise you this year as it’s the first one without your lovely mum.

What’s he saying?

Barnybrown · 18/03/2023 11:00

You husband’s focus should be on you this year and he and the kids should be with you. By all means he could pop over to give his mum a card and gift - but then he should do whatever you want to do with him and the kids to help support you through a difficult day and (as much as you can) enjoy your Mother’s Day with the kids.

DrMeredithGrey2023 · 18/03/2023 11:01

Don't go. I haven't spent a Mother's Day with my MIL since my mum died 5 years ago. DP has actually just left with the DC's to spend today with his mum instead of tomorrow, as he'd rather have a relaxed day at home with me - his choice, not mine.

If people can't see why, then that's their problem.

Bringmethesleep · 18/03/2023 11:02

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers your MIL sounds completely thoughtless. Please do whatever you feel you need to do.

HappiestSleeping · 18/03/2023 11:03

If a person wants people to spend time with them, they are well advised to make spending time with them a pleasant experience.

It doesn't sound like your MIL is making this a pleasant experience for you, so I wouldn't feel obligated to go, or guilty for not going.

ChunkyCheese · 18/03/2023 11:09

I wouldn’t go. She sounds completely insensitive and demanding.
I agree with the pps who say your DH should spend the day with you. If he feels he has to go, then he should go by himself for an hour or so, and allow you to spend your Mother’s Day with your DC. You shouldn’t be alone on the first Mother’s Day after your mum sadly died if you don’t want to be. You also shouldn’t have to indulge your MIL during such a sensitive time for you.

Skyeheather · 18/03/2023 11:20

Of course it's okay not to go. If you fancy some time to yourself send DH with the kids. If you'd like to celebrate Mother's Day with your DC send DH on his own and he can explain to MIL what a thoughtless cow she is.

whitebreadjamsandwich · 18/03/2023 11:23

She sent that message to you? Wow. I hope your DH tears a shred off her for being an insensitive, ignorant bitch

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 18/03/2023 11:24

If that wording was sent to your phone I would reply that as your dm is no longer with you then you won't be acknowledging Mother's Day anymore.. And block her... She certainly isn't your friend.

Poppyblush · 18/03/2023 11:24

either He goes alone or without you. She sounds nasty.

PinkArt · 18/03/2023 11:40

Ah, I'm sorry, that first mothers day after you lose your mum is brutal. Work out how you want to spend the day and work outwards from there. You want to stay at home, so do that. But do you want your kids with you, or to go to hers? Do you want your husband with you, or to go to hers? You are both mums so deserve celebrating on your day, but your grief needs to be taken into account above her wants.
The very best interpretation of her behaviour is that she's insensitive rather than outright rude, but insensitive isn't going to be good for you on a sensitive day.

Aftjbtibg · 18/03/2023 11:42

That’s for your DH to sort out; very insensitive of her. I wouldn’t be going.

strawberry2017 · 18/03/2023 12:06

It's nice to celebrate mums, I get it I'm one myself but I would never dream of behaving like that at any age.
Tell your partner your not going this year and do something that makes you happy. You have no obligations to see her.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 18/03/2023 12:07

Who got the message OP

beachcitygirl · 18/03/2023 12:13

I got one like this many many years ago.
I responded. You're not my mother. Speak to your child, not me.

Original poster
Mo819 · 18/03/2023 12:15

Sorry ladies I haven't been clear . It wasn't a message it was said to both our faces last week when we visited my husband said to her at the time have you forgot what happened last year ?.she has always been the same around gifts and nothing is ever good enough we dread every birthday xmas . I am happy to have time on my own I have never really enjoyed being made a fuss of on mothers day as I had another son who was sadly stillborn and although I make the effort for everyone else I can do without it. Thank you for all you kind words x

OP posts:
FourFour · 18/03/2023 12:20

What was her response to your dh? After that I don't know why you are even worried about what she feels. She's such a bitch to do that, she really is. She isn't your dm so she can get lost. Sorry about your mum, do what you need to do.

ittakes2 · 18/03/2023 12:24

I am sorry about your mum.
Your m'n'law sounds very unpleasant unfortunately, I think you should let your hubbie take the kids most visits and just see her ocassionally.

Lovelyveg82 · 18/03/2023 12:26

What is baffling, is that your DH does not appear to have addressed this.

and that you and he are ok with such an appalling woman being around your children

JudgeJ · 18/03/2023 13:24

Do people really make such blatant demands about what they expect from their families as presents? I've noticed this round Christmas time posts, 'how my SIL told me that her gift from me wasn't expensive enough' type of thing. I find such exchanges amazing!

Tinkerbyebye · 18/03/2023 13:55

I am sorry about your mum, I lost my father years ago but Father’s Day it still a stark reminder.

Time to leave it to your dh to sort. And if he doesn’t just tell her she is not your mother.

and yes just send him and the kids, and that’s how it can be for all future mothers days

OliveToboogie · 18/03/2023 14:13

Look after yourself. Get your DH to tell her you won't be attending this year as you are grieving for your DM. If she gives you any hassle I would just stop visiting her etc. Let your husband go. She is adding nothing to your life. She sounds emotionally very childish and insecure.