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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I try to go and see her

32 replies

ShouldIgoornot123 · 18/03/2023 00:07

My mum, who I don’t have a great relationship with, is in hospital. Had a fall, has underlying conditions and isn’t doing very well. The ward is shut because norovirus. I have an awful relationship with my stepdad. It’s a five hour round trip and I’ve been told in no uncertain terms by charge nurses that I can not see her. Not even for five minutes. I’m being bombarded with people saying if it was my. Mum I wouldnt accept it, can’t you just go and make a poster and show her from the car park etc. Just go and wave. Etc.

im very much struggling with how I feel about it as an only child with an awful relationship talking to people who seem to have much better relationships saying what’s they Would do in my shoes.

help

OP posts:
BartsLongLostBro · 18/03/2023 00:09

Do not tell these people personal information. What do thèy know?

MrsDoylesDoily · 18/03/2023 00:09

Well regardless of your relationship with her, if you can't see her then you can't see her.

And why are the car park poster fans so sure she's on the ground floor, or even in a ward that overlooks a car park?

But it's obviously bothering you so can you call or text her?

Lavender14 · 18/03/2023 00:13

I think it's not their mum, it's not their business. Of course if you were close to her you might feel that same way but I'm guessing that you have your reasons for the lack of closeness in the relationship and that she and your stepdad are at least partly responsible for so in that context i think you are the only person who is able to decide if you should/ shouldn't go and nobody has the right to make you feel guilty over your choice. Family aren't always the happy loving relationships people assume them to be and that's on them for being naieve.

Thelnebriati · 18/03/2023 00:17

You deserve better friends at a time like this Flowers

Original poster
ShouldIgoornot123 · 18/03/2023 00:32

ah thank you for the responses. It’s a mix of close people and acquaintances. I’ve rang every day and spoken to staff on the ward.
i don’t think I can do anything but I’m left with the feeling that if it wasn’t difficult I would be trying more

OP posts:
ticktickticktickBOOM · 18/03/2023 00:39

Wave from the car park? What good would that do?

Keep calling and chatting and go as soon as the restrictions are lifted. Send her some prezzies and flowers.

Whatnowfgs · 18/03/2023 00:41

Could the staff not set up a zoom call or something similar.
We did this during Covid with a dying relative.

It's far from the best solution but surely it beats waving from the car park.

HeddaGarbled · 18/03/2023 00:52

“Make a poster and show her from the car park”! These people watch too much sentimental bollocks on TV/film. Sure, she’s gonna get out of bed and go to the window and be able to see the “poster” from that distance, what with her being well enough to drag herself out of bed and all.

What’s the poster going to say? “Hey, mum, I drove 5 hours to stand in a car park with a sheet of paper you can’t read, instead of waiting until you’re discharged or the ward is clear of norovirus, so we can actually have a meaningful encounter. Get better soon ❤️”?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 18/03/2023 00:55

Who are these people with these daft suggestions? Make a poster and stand in a car park with it? What complete and utter nonsense.
They are ignorant to judge your relationship with your mum when they have very different relationships and they don't have the imagination to realise that. Tell these drama lamas it is too upsetting for you to discuss any further. And repeat. repeat until they stop asking for updates.

The hospital has said you won't be admitted. That's that. You are already ringing every day and staying in touch.

As pp said, ask the nurses if you can have a zoom call. Send some nice treats, or magazines (Ask the nurses what is best to send, they may not allow flowers), That is all you can do at the moment.
You can't cure her yourself, but she will know that you are thinking of her.
All you can do in these situations is keep in touch and wait it out, see how her recovery goes. Do you have any aunts or cousins you could talk to? Or someone in RL who is a bit more sensible than the poster/carpark person?
It is a really difficult time when parents are ill and there's not much you can do practically. But maybe you could plan a visit for when she's out of hospital. Sorry you are going through this. try not to let other people impose their own feelings on you. They don't understand what you are going through. But try to stay positive. Distract yourself, try to eat well and sleep well and just get through each day as it comes. Hopefully your mum will start to do better and things will resolve themselves, so keep looking forward to things getting a little easier day by day.

Fuckityfuckfuck123 · 18/03/2023 01:38

Considering you don't have a good relationship with your mum, I think you're doing more than I would.
People who have a good, stable, loving relationship with their parents will never understand, and because they're basing their beliefs on everyone's parents being like theirs, they will never be able to give advice for your situation.

Goodread1 · 18/03/2023 02:26

Arrange a zoom teams type of call,
It's better than alternative,

Whoever these know it all people you are surrounded by they are obviously talking out of their Back sides,

What on earth are they talking about,
they sound as thick as anything....really

Bloopsie · 18/03/2023 02:38

Lol at your friends advice, being watching too many movies.

You are doing fine.

Soniqueboom · 18/03/2023 03:12

The people around you are batshit OP, that's what's wrong here not your perfectly sensible, rational approach to the situation! Your relationship with your mother aside what on earth would be the point in what they're suggesting? It wouldn't help your mother in any way (in the unlikely event she even knew you'd been in the car park) and would be a waste of time and energy for all concerned. I adore my DM and I still wouldn't do this because it's pointless, please stop listening to these ridiculous people Flowers

MichelleScarn · 18/03/2023 04:27

What effort has your mum made with you prior to this to stay in contact? That's what would guide me going forward. But definitely don't travel down and do anything from the car park!

Toddlerteaplease · 18/03/2023 04:35

The ward won't allow you in so it's a no. Starter.

GoodChat · 18/03/2023 05:20

I wouldn't go. The hospital staff don't need you kicking up a fuss when they've been clear with you.

I wouldn't be phoning the hospital every day either, though.

Imamumgetmeoutofhere · 18/03/2023 05:27

If the ward have said you can't go in you will have had a wasted trip as you will not be allowed in. Patient security, privacy and wishes is paramount

ThinWomansBrain · 18/03/2023 05:31

Was in hospital before Christmas, 8th Floor, no car park.
Nurse wheeling me to the ward said "ooh, you'll have a lovely view" It was dark, the only thing I could see was into my old office 20m across the street - I suppose if they'd known I was there, former colleagues could have waved in the morning - but I'd probably got more from a phone call.

mumofboys8787 · 18/03/2023 05:33

Why have you told so many people?

Blueblell · 18/03/2023 05:57

Does she have a phone available to her for a video call or just a phone call. If you can’t get on the ward then there is no point driving 5 hours away. I would call if possible so that she knows you are thinking of her and then go and see her when it is possible.

Iwantmystuffbackthanks · 18/03/2023 06:27

@ShouldIgoornot123 Not all of us have a greetings card style relationship with our mothers. I didn’t. People who do have a close relationship with their mothers do not understand what it feels like. We’re conditioned in society by the media/retailers etc to think that we must have an excellent, close relationship or there is something ‘wrong’ with us as the child. Not many assume it is possibly the Mother at fault. Only you know what has happened and what you may have experienced. The feelings you are having are most likely ones of guilt born out of obligation. Or fear. If this was anyone other than your mother (even someone you were close to) you would be thinking more rationally. You are hours away, have kept in touch with the ward about her health and have been told you cannot enter the ward. No one can. Give yourself a break, You have done as much as you can right now. All you can do is explain to them how far away you are and If they think her status has changed, to give you plenty of notice to get there. And possibly try a video call in the meantime. Pop over to the ‘stately homes’ thread in relationships or ‘the cockroach cafe’ thread in elderly parents for support and advice from many people who have or are going through a similar experience.

If it helps, my sibling (who I have a similar relationship with as you describe with your stepdad) would’ve described their relationship with our mother as ‘super close’ (a bit like your colleagues/acquaintances/friends) however, when we both got the call from the hospital to say our mother’s health was declining and we should come in, I went straight to the hospital. They did not even though it was their day off and unlike me they had no kids/pets to deal with. We both live a similar distance from the hospital. Only one of us was there for our Mother passing. It was not the one who would probably have been telling you to go and stand in the car park with the poster….It is no one’s business what you decide other than your own. Be kind to yourself right now. 💐

Shlomping1234 · 18/03/2023 06:38

I wouldn't travel that far to wave a bloody poster in the car park! Does she have video calling on her phone?
My mother recently had a 3 month stay in hospital and I could rarely visit due to them not allowing children on the ward, so I'd video call daily and meet her on the grounds when she was physically able to.

countrygirl99 · 18/03/2023 06:41

If she's in our local hospital there's a busy road between the car park and the hospital so even if you were inclined to it would be a massive waste of time.

Fredface1 · 18/03/2023 06:44

Some people are idiots.Ignore them, youre doing all you can. I have a similar relationship with mum and stepdad ypu are not alone.

JenniferBarkley · 18/03/2023 07:13

Sibling and I had a lot of this when our parent was dying of cancer during covid. People like to think they'd do X, Y or Z grand gesture but real life doesn't work like that and many of the things suggested would have been logistically very challenging to us for no benefit to parent, or actively distressing to parent. But people don't want to hear it.

There is zero benefit to you travelling five hours if you won't be able to see her. Save your energy and your time for when you can get some benefit out of travelling.

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