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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - about the dreaded mum guilt!

39 replies

runforyourdog · 17/03/2023 21:53

Started a new job this week. Looking like it's going to mean a lot of time commuting etc. So won't see as much of the kids. I'm feeling the mum guilt! My DD in particular likes to lay it on a bit thick, she needs her mamma!

Part of me thinks, what am I doing! I need to be there for my kids.. but the other part thinks, well they are 6 and nearly 8, I'll still spend time with them daily and they will be with dad or grandma so not so bad.

I know this is a totally personal thing so not really AIBU but wanted to understand where people's boundaries are... and how you know you've met them!

OP posts:
Divorcedalongtime · 17/03/2023 21:59

I did this in may last year but have since opted for finding something with less hours to work around the children and mine are lots older than yours.
I think every mamma is different and the kids needs change…

Rowen32 · 17/03/2023 22:04

I think they're still very young but that's my tuppence worth... How much will you see them?

Dacadactyl · 17/03/2023 22:13

Will your husband or their grandma be the only ones looking after them?

If you think theyll do the job of looking after the kids like you would, id see no harm in it.

However, I personally wouldnt want either my MIL or mum to be providing long amounts of childcare because these days theyd do things differently to me. Would your husband have to work from home after collecting them from school? This would also factor into my thinking.

I still plan my working life around the kids and they are 10 and 16. I must admit, it does wind me up at times, but I still do it because it feels like the "right" thing to do for them.

What feels right to you? Thats how youll know whether youre meeting your boundaries, as it were. Also, you will know your DD best...is she just being OTT, or does she really need you for whatever reason etc.

Satsumaonaplate · 17/03/2023 22:25

I think that's far too young to spend so much time working and commuting. They need their mum and I don't care what anyone else says, it's true and we all know it ...

Devoutspoken · 17/03/2023 22:27

I wouldn't want to do any job with a long commute if at all possible

Botw1 · 17/03/2023 22:29

Don't feel guilty such a waste of emotion.

What you want is important.

Your kids will be fine.

Yetanothernewidentity · 17/03/2023 22:33

I put DS ( now 22) in after school club for a few years. I do now wonder whether it was good for him ( he didn't seem to enjoy it). He is about to graduate and is currently living with long term girlfriend, and we still have a great relationship so he did fine in the end. Really difficult though to get through the mum guilt. I think they all probably turn out fine though.

MyMachineAndMe · 17/03/2023 22:41

Why is this guilt pushed onto mothers and not fathers? I've never heard of "dad guilt" and of men being told that they should not consider a job with a longer commute because of their children.

Get the job and ditch the guilt. You and your finances matter too.

Coffeellama · 17/03/2023 22:44

What’s the upside of this job?

sandgrown · 17/03/2023 22:48

My ex husband had an affair and left when my children were younger than yours . To keep our heads above water I had to work long hours and any overtime I could get . I felt terribly guilty when they had to spend a lot of their holidays in child care . They are in their 40 s now and have both done well and we are still really close. Please don’t feel guilty

bluejelly · 17/03/2023 22:57

Don't beat yourself up. As long as the kids are with good people they will be fine. You can make it up to them at weekends and holidays. No need for the guilt!

Original poster
runforyourdog · 17/03/2023 23:00

I'm not really sure how it will work out yet but 3 to 5 days (but hopefully nearer 3) I will be in office, set off before kids wake but that should mean i'm home for 5.30 to 6pm. So can do homework, play, story, cuddles.

DH has higher level job than me so he's been an angel to pick up the slack this week.

OP posts:
Botw1 · 17/03/2023 23:03

So what is there to feel guilty about?

Your oh isn't an angel for parenting his own kids. He's not doing you a favour

Original poster
runforyourdog · 17/03/2023 23:05

Upside is more pay and my old job had just got awful. I was at home but the lights weren't on!? It completely took over my life even though I was mostly remote.

It won't really be that much different except DH will need to manage on his on on a morning. Kids start school at 8 anyway and often do after school. That won't really change. It's mostly I won't be around on a morning and DH will need to pick up the slack!

OP posts:
AffIt · 17/03/2023 23:05

runforyourdog · 17/03/2023 23:00

I'm not really sure how it will work out yet but 3 to 5 days (but hopefully nearer 3) I will be in office, set off before kids wake but that should mean i'm home for 5.30 to 6pm. So can do homework, play, story, cuddles.

DH has higher level job than me so he's been an angel to pick up the slack this week.

Sounds like your children have two working parents who are getting the balance right, no worries or guilt required. It's not like you're throwing them to the wolves.

And please do leave off with all the 'mumma' and 'angel' shite, it's soul-crushingly twee.

Original poster
runforyourdog · 17/03/2023 23:08

Where did I say anything about angels? I just said she lays it on a bit thick I.e. 'mummy don't goooooo I need youuuuu' not meaning to be twee!

OP posts:
Botw1 · 17/03/2023 23:11

You said your dh was an angel

bluejelly · 17/03/2023 23:11

As long as you're home before bedtime I think that's great.
And even if you were home later than bedtime - they are with their dad.

No need to feel guilty for a second.

Original poster
runforyourdog · 17/03/2023 23:13

@Botw1 well he's got his own high stress full time consulting job to deal with as well so I can't really just say 'see you later, deal with the house/kids/dog I've got a new job! Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
runforyourdog · 17/03/2023 23:14

@Botw1 oh right lol. I'm the least gushy person ever about DH I thought I would have been about one of the kids!

I have done the same for him when the kids were small.. but I was part time then. It's hard in any case!

OP posts:
Coffeellama · 17/03/2023 23:15

runforyourdog · 17/03/2023 23:13

@Botw1 well he's got his own high stress full time consulting job to deal with as well so I can't really just say 'see you later, deal with the house/kids/dog I've got a new job! Confused

That poster wasn’t suggesting you do. You called your DH an angel, another poster said that was twee, you replied ‘where did I say angel’ and this poster told you…

Original poster
runforyourdog · 17/03/2023 23:16

Yes ok I see that now. Damn me for ever being nice about DH in public! Blush

OP posts:
Coffeellama · 17/03/2023 23:16

But anyway the kids are with their dad in the morning and you are home for bedtime and presumably have weekends off with them? No guilt required OP!

Original poster
runforyourdog · 17/03/2023 23:18

Thank you.

It's true though, men don't get the dad guilt and it is different!!

OP posts:
Coffeellama · 17/03/2023 23:19

runforyourdog · 17/03/2023 23:16

Yes ok I see that now. Damn me for ever being nice about DH in public! Blush

There is nothing wrong with being nice about your DH… people pointed out that it’s ok, he’s not doing you a favour as they are his kids too… trying to reassure you you don’t need to feel guilty as you are one of two parents. I don’t understand why you are being defensive to be honest OP, everyone is on your side!