For those who have difficult relationships with their mums

[daisydot22]

A lot is made of those who have lost their mums on Mother's Day. As it should be. I always feel very sad on Father's Day since losing my dad. But I guess I just wanted a thread for those whose mums are still around but relationships are strained.

I never thought I'd be saying that about my relationship with my mum. We've always been very close and in my eyes she was always a brilliant mum. However looking back on my childhood now there were times she was drunk around me, left me with grandparents a lot, never really encouraged me to do much with my life. But growing up I always felt loved and prioritised.

Since we lost my dad 3 years ago she has totally changed. She drinks heavily as I've spoken about in other threads. She has very little interest in me or my dc. She complains that she's lonely but passes up chances to be around people, instead choosing to stay at home and drink alone. I have involved her in our family life, we even rebooked our honeymoon abroad so that she could come at great expense.

She's done a few really unforgivable things in that time. When I was in hospital having my youngest she was looking after my elder two and drank heavily. They are older (from a previous relationship) and were in no danger but she handed them over to their dad clearly drunk and it caused some problems. This was after she promised me faithfully she wouldn't ever drink with dc in her care.

Her attitude is either drunk or miserable. No in between. I realise she's grieving and I probably sound heartless but after 3 years of being shunned and having zero support I just feel like I've lost my mum as well as my dad. She isn't interested in trying to make life better and won't accept any professional help.

I had booked and put down a deposit for a meal on Sunday which she's now saying she's not bothered about going to. No reason as such just can't be arsed.

Sorry I've rambled. Anyone else have a similar relationship?

Just don't bother with the meal, just enjoy your day with your own kids.

I asked my mum what she wanted for Mothers Day and she said 'not flowers, tell your siblings I don't want any flowers'
I said, oh OK, any other ideas?
"money x"

😶
Not in the spirit of the day really is it.

Lol not really no.

I suppose I ought to remember I'm a mum too and it's about me having a nice day as well. I just feel really sad today.

Its hard isnt it. iv been very LC with my mum (well actually both parents) for many years now.

I send a card but its so difficult finding one that simply says Happy Mothers Day. They are all full of gushy sentiments about being a fabulous mum - the exact opposite of what my mum has been recently:-(

I’m no contact with mine, happy that way, the only flowers I’d be likely to send are deadly nightshade! 😉

Just wondering? Would you send a card if you were NC?

I am in this position and not sure what to do.

@mynewname25 I’m the same and find it quite upsetting rejecting the gushing cards. @Yoyooo if I was completely NC then no I wouldn’t send a card

My mother is very, very old and physically incapable of much.
'D'M was a good mother to me and my siblings but, as we reached adulthood and she was widowed, her focus turned inward. She has never been very interested in her grandchildren, and decided to move a few hours away when I was pregnant.
I feel guilty dismissing our relationship as 'difficult' but we are not close and, like others say, I could never be such a hypocrite as to send a card that was full of sentiments I don't feel.
I'm sorry for those of you who have nasty Mothers. I think quite a few of us have relationships with our Mothers that are just 'meh' and I certainly don't need a day to celebrate this.
I think that, when she dies, I will still mourn, but more because I don't feel the love I 'should' for my parent. I know M is intelligent and witty, just not cut out for motherhood. So yeah, Mothers Day makes me a bit sad.

I just don't 'do' Mothers Day.
Don't want or expect anything from my kids either.

My mum had me when she was 18 & she had made some bad life choices. Dad was abusive to her & also a drug addict, she finally got us away when I was 5. I have no memories before 5 so I guess I’ve blocked it all out. She was then actually a good mum until I became a mum myself. Then she became overbearing & tried to form a co dependant relationship between us. I finally went no contact on Mother’s Day 10 years ago. I didn't send a card & ignored all attempts at contact. It was & still is very liberating.

I would never go Nc with my mum. It just really saddens me how our relationship has changed and declined. She definitely prioritises alcohol over us. This hurts but I understand if it's addiction then it's more of an illness than a choice. Either way it's very hard. She is stuck in a cycle of self pity. Very depressed and bitter about things that have happened but unwilling to do anything to try and improve her life. She complains about being lonely but shuts everyone else out, cancels plans and locks herself in her house so she can drink alone. It's incredibly sad and frustrating. I have tried to help but I am at a loss. If she isn't drunk then she is irritable and not pleasant to be around. If she is drunk she talks shit and is argumentative.

It saddens me that she's given up on life when she has a family who love her.

OP that sounds really hard for all of you. The only advice I can give is to take the focus off of her as your mother and put it on yourself as a mother to your own children.
I haven't spoken to my mum in over 8 years. I used to find Mother's Day really hard and got annoyed by all the SM posts about how great everyone's mums were. She was never a great mum and I had spent most of my life in and out of contact with her and suffering from crippling anxiety thanks to my upbringing. I don't get upset anymore I have learned to appreciate the mother figures I do have. My amazing Nan (sadly no longer with us), my supportive Aunt and my beautiful Stepmum (who I realised, almost too late, I have the mother/daughter bond with that I always yearned for with my own mum). On Mother's Day I think of them and I enjoy being with my own children.

No, otherwise you break the NC and send her a very wrong message (i.e., "you're my mum, all is forgiven").

Ugh, the above was meant to be a response to @Yoyooo .

My narc mother (abusive constantly towards me from age 5 to 16.5) threw me out literally the Weds before Mother's Day 2000. I haven't heard a thing from her since spring 2004, and I'm all the better for it.

I sent my grandma, the one who took me in, a card for Mother's Day until she died 7 years ago, then I had no-one to send anything to.

Now, I have my own toddler daughter to make our own traditions and mother-daughter memories.

In OP's case, I'd stick to spending the day with my own children and enjoying the day with them.

I think you are incredibly patient.
My colleague is in the same situation as you but decided to go non contact years ago.

As for my Mum, she treated all of us children so differently and caused friction between us.
She is in a care home now with vascular dementia. My eldest sister is virtually non contact. Myself well I go twice a week for about half an hour but I mainly go to support her amazing care workers.
It’s very important to realise that not all Mothers are nice. I made a pact to myself that I would be a good Mum, a kind Mum, a Mum who is strong but fair. Mostly I made sure both of my children know they are very much 🥰 loved.
My father did this but my Mum didn’t.

My advice is don’t beat yourself up enjoy the day with your kids. It’s her loss not yours xx

I think you can have a day that is reflective of the reality of the relationship you currently have. Set some time limits, pick a time of the day when she wont be drunk, make plans of your own for after but give yourself a chance to unwind after your time with her. You cannot control how she is behaving, you cannot control the alcohol but you can accept that it affects the relationship you can have with her at the moment.

Thank you for this thread. I have a very dysfunctional relationship with my mother, I understand why she is as she is but it doesn't make it easier to bear.

I'm nc with my whole family
My narcissistic mother has made sure of it
Her poison knows no bounds,and my whole family are either narcs themselves or her flying monkeys
I went nc and moved away years ago and she's still finding ways to hurt me while whinging that it's all my fault I have nothing to do with them

Thankfully,I have an angel in my life-my darling mil
She's more of a mother to me than my own mother and I go mad on mothers day for her
We lost my fil the end of the third lockdown and its hurts like hell that I'll never get to buy another fathers day card or present
God knows what it'll be like when mil goes

My mother can rot in hell-in fact its too good for her

It can be a complicated relationship, especially when we become mothers ourselves and it's easy to compare and almost rile against each other. But I have so many friends with lovely supportive mums who love spending time with their grandchildren. Who go on days out together. Who visit each other all the time. Who help financially just to be nice.

I'm not saying I expect these things, especially the financial and childcare help. But I just yearn for a bit of support sometimes. I would love for someone to say to me 'here let me take the dc so you can have a sleep' or just make me a cuppa and let me vent about my worries. Once upon a time she would have done that and I think that's what makes it even harder to bear.

My dad would be devastated at how things have turned out. Looking back now I do feel like she's always had that tendency to be a bit selfish and self involved. She feels as if she has been very hard done to through life so somehow she has earned the right to drink and be a recluse.

I find picking out non-sentimental cards really tricky too and it does hurt seeing all the sweet cards in shops. Sometimes it also hurts to see close mother daughter relationships on TV or in movies.

My mum is really tricky and fussy when it comes to gifts too and often wants fancy presents. I buy a joint gift with my siblings or else a box of chocolates or flowers will ruin her special day 🙄.

I saw my mum today as I don’t really want to spend Sunday with her. I took a half day, made a nice afternoon tea and bought her a thoughtful card and present. But I found it very tense and depressing, she’s just so irritating and self absorbed even though on the surface she comes across as a great mum. I’m still resentful of her past behaviour so while I always try to do the right thing I never really want to or feel like it’s enough 🙁

If you snap an olive branch, the olive tree takes a long time to grow back again.

I’m no contact with my terrible excuse for a mother, and also the siblings and father who made my life a misery when I had the audacity to create boundaries with LC.

I feel like I’m in the minority, but I have a little moment of joy around Mother’s Day- I don’t have to go through the stress of trying to be a ‘good daughter’ when nothing is good enough, I’m free of the suicidal thoughts that plagued me before I cut contact.

In complete honesty, knowing the misery and complaints she’ll be heaping on the family who tried to bully me into staying in my place (as the family whipping boy), I feel some mean minded glee.

The day is a happy reminder of what I’ve escaped. Seeing other people’s mums appreciating how they are being treated and celebrated is not just lovely, but a further confirmation of how much better my life is now.

But, that’s not a strained relationship, it’s no relationship. My sympathies to all those for whom this weekend is a sad experience.

I could have written this. I'm far happier being NC with mine, even more so now that I'm a parent myself. She's a waste of oxygen and I'm happy being NC.

This also resonates with me, though I've never actually realised this before reading this post. Thank you so much @laloba, you've made me have a light bulb moment!

My mother abandoned me as a baby so I was brought up in care, ahe did turn up when I was an adult and I came to the conclusion that she was just an evil vile pos and I wanted nothing to do with her, She'll get nothing from me. Friends of hers will say how nasty I am for not sending anything and tell her she's a good mum while she soaks it all in.

I do however have a friend whose mum took me under her wing, she's been there for me through thick and thin, treats me as her own, I'll be giving her flowers, a card and chocolate. They say you can't choose family, I chose mine :-)