For those who have difficult relationships with their mums

[daisydot22]

A lot is made of those who have lost their mums on Mother's Day. As it should be. I always feel very sad on Father's Day since losing my dad. But I guess I just wanted a thread for those whose mums are still around but relationships are strained.

I never thought I'd be saying that about my relationship with my mum. We've always been very close and in my eyes she was always a brilliant mum. However looking back on my childhood now there were times she was drunk around me, left me with grandparents a lot, never really encouraged me to do much with my life. But growing up I always felt loved and prioritised.

Since we lost my dad 3 years ago she has totally changed. She drinks heavily as I've spoken about in other threads. She has very little interest in me or my dc. She complains that she's lonely but passes up chances to be around people, instead choosing to stay at home and drink alone. I have involved her in our family life, we even rebooked our honeymoon abroad so that she could come at great expense.

She's done a few really unforgivable things in that time. When I was in hospital having my youngest she was looking after my elder two and drank heavily. They are older (from a previous relationship) and were in no danger but she handed them over to their dad clearly drunk and it caused some problems. This was after she promised me faithfully she wouldn't ever drink with dc in her care.

Her attitude is either drunk or miserable. No in between. I realise she's grieving and I probably sound heartless but after 3 years of being shunned and having zero support I just feel like I've lost my mum as well as my dad. She isn't interested in trying to make life better and won't accept any professional help.

I had booked and put down a deposit for a meal on Sunday which she's now saying she's not bothered about going to. No reason as such just can't be arsed.

Sorry I've rambled. Anyone else have a similar relationship?

I’m no contact with mine. I’d prefer it not to have to be that way, I’d prefer to have a non-toxic mother who I could have a good relationship with, but that is not the mother I have. No contact is by far the easiest thing for me to bear.

I feel similarly op. I used to see my mum a lot and still do a fair bit. But I had a falling out with my dad early this year and I really felt like she threw me under the bust to avoid conflict and him being challenging to her. On the one had I know she did this because of her relationship with him. But on the other it really confirmed lots of patterns of behaviour throughout my life and why I'm like I am with some stuff.

It's hard when it's not full on no contact and people are just shit. Try to enjoy your day with the kids and focus on the positive relationship with them.

I’m NC with mine (alcoholic abuser). I find the month long commercial love fest of mums harder every year. That’s a me problem obviously but the saccharine messaging is awful. I had an email from a company I buy from often and they’re running the slogan “Mums Are Kindness” all month on all their emails and all over their website and I’m just like, you sell handbags, can’t you just calm down a little? I’m not shopping thrift until it’s over as it’s just too much.

Sorry, that was a self-absorbed ramble but thanks for posting the thread. It helped.

Came on here to say exactly this. I get on better now with my mum but there's a troubled past too.

I speak to my mother about 3 times a year.

I stopped sending celebrating her on Mother’s Day years ago.

I just spend the day with my ds.

I have a very difficult relationship with my narc mother.

I do try but as soon as I give a little she takes a mile

I've sent a card but that won't be ok, I'll just have the silent treatment

Yes not easy. Hate the cards too where would we be without our mums) Im low key both cards and gifts. Not overly close. It is what it is.

I went out and bought mum a card and flowers yesterday. I still hoped we might go for the meal today. I called this morning to make arrangements and at 8am she already seemed to be slurring her words. She said she wasn't sure if she wanted to go and then tried to imply that dh and I deliberately ignored her yesterday because she came round and nobody answered the door (we were both home but genuinely didn't hear the door). Also accused me of being selfish for not contacting my grandfather who is unwell at the moment which I suppose I should have. But I've had my hands full with work and dc who have also been unwell.
Then she said 'I'll just leave it' and hung up on me. So I'm now in tears before 9am on Mother's Day, I feel like she just wanted to pick a fight so she didn't have to come.

That is exactly what she did, pick a fight with you to alleviate her emotions. She is filled with shame about her drinking and rather than deal with her emotions she tried to make you responsible for causing them. Addicts do that a lot as part of their denial. Shame is a big part of what eventually drives addiction. You need to put up an emotional barrier with your mother. This will take time and a lot of effort and pain. Her reality is completely distorted and you have to recognise that, allow it to be the case and still be able to get on with your own life. It is an incredibly painful journey but there is only so much of this you can put up with before it affects your ability to function, to be a good parent, to be a good partner. Don’t let her dysfunction swallow you up. You are not alone but that might not help. I’m so sorry for what you are going through. It is unbelievably tough.

@Lostmarblesfinder thank you, your post is very balanced and makes a lot of sense to me. It's just so hard. She is now saying that she will come but to be honest I am over it now. I feel drained and I will be on edge during the meal as dh isn't very happy with her behaviour (but will be pleasant for my sake) and given the back and forth of the past few days i can't see it being relaxed and enjoyable.

We will go. I will sacrifice my own happiness and relaxation and then after this I will think carefully about how to handle things moving forward. She seems to really believe that I am the one with the problem, that I have changed and no longer prioritise her. And that my dh is rude and doesn't like her. I suspect as you say she uses these excuses to justify her behaviour to herself.

Look today is a very emotional day for many people. Some people have lost their Mums, some don’t want to know their Mums and some people cannot be Mums. Lots of people forget today is called
Mothering Sunday.
celebrate with the women who look after you it doesn’t have to be your mum it can be a loved auntie or a close friend who is like a mum to you.
I wish all Mumsnet reader a good day however they choose to spend it x

I’ve been there @daisydot22, not with alcohol but the same kind of behaviour. No matter what I did to make things nice it was always not nice. It’s miserable, and I’m so sorry you have to deal with this from your own mother today. I hope you find a way to lessen the impact on your life.

Thank you for the replies and solidarity. As predicted it has been an utterly shit day. Mums behaviour was bizarre from start to finish. Making digs and also quite worryingly alluding to the fact that she has some serious health issues over the dinner table, but she wouldn't tell me what, just that 'she will tell me when I need to know.'

Dh has taken the brunt of my bad mood which isn't fair on him either. Just feel very sad today. I am toying with getting in touch with our close family friend who works in mental health as I'm really starting to think she is having some sort of breakdown.

I just send flowers. Mine has dementia and I'm POA for her, she was horrible to me as a child, but she's now helpless and I do my duty. I dont like her very much, but I do take my responsibilities seriously. I couldn't face her telling me what a great mother she was today, so I went swimming and she had flowers. I saw her on Thursday, I didn't mention Mother's Day, she won't remember, it's easier that way.

I am sorry for all of you that had shit days yesterday. I do remember those times and they really weren’t easy.
over for another year now.
💐 for your bravery.