In thinking there probably is something not quite right with how ds is developing

[Worriedaboutitallstill]

I’ve posted here to get a range of views, as to be honest I think it will help to get it out anyway.

DS was 2 in December. For the first year he seemed to be developing ‘normally’, he hit all his milestones, no concerns raised by nursery (he started at nine months) or HV (she did a check at 10.5. Months but we haven’t seen or heard from her since.) I’m explaining that because she hasn’t seen ds at all in a year and a half so probably isn’t the best person to ask.

The first thing I noticed that made me a bit concerned was that I went to a first birthday party with a group of toddlers the same age and all were pointing at things, ds wasn’t, I should add here that ds was smiling, engaging, laughing, just wasn’t pointing. Mentioned this to dh who said not to worry, he was fine. Im not sure when he was pointing regularly but he definitely was at around 19 months maybe? He still does and makes a sort of ‘uh’ sound.

So the next thing I noticed was aggression, a friend visited when our children were both 16 months and ds was awful. Every time her child picked up a toy ds would snatch it from her, he pushed her, he wouldn’t let her look at anything. I also noticed that she was way more advanced than ds. My friend read a book to her dd and she was able to point out the different animals and so on. I thought maybe I hadn’t done enough with ds, I’d read with him but hadn’t said look at the rabbit, there’s a bee. I started doing that and making animal sounds. I think he picked these up again maybe a few months later, at around 20 months.

Also started getting reports from nursery about aggression, specifically biting. Utterly mortifying, but nursery reassured me it was normal. It did taper off, I still get the odd report now but it is occasional whereas before it was nearly every day.

He has lots of words but doesn’t put them together and I never feel we are having a ‘conversation’, maybe that’s normal for this age. He’ll just say things like daddy, car, socks. Still shows aggression to children, lots of pushing. If I say no sternly he cries but then goes back and does the same thing. He regularly just completely ignores me, other times he engages with me but deliberately disobeys, I feel this is more normal somehow, like if I say ds please don’t pull the curtain he’ll grin and pull it some more. If I have to physically stop him doing something or take him away he goes wild and thrashes around manically. He used to attack me sometimes, which was horrible, he’d grab the skin on my face or neck and twist it or yank my hair.

So - my worries are that he seems much later to do some things than other children (pointing, identifying things) and how aggressive he can be, mostly. I know people always look at the parent and let’s face it the mother and I am so upset to think something I have done or not done has led to this. I’m really worried about him not having friends because of how he is and I veer between thinking he’s fine, it’s all normal, he’s fine but maybe I’m not and I need to improve my parenting, and thinking maybe he is ND in some way.

Nursery did do a report recently as he moved up a room a couple of months ago, they did note that he struggled with his emotions sometimes but also said no concerns re development. But nursery don’t know everything? I wish I knew.

There is an autism assessment for 2 year olds called M-chat. I think you can do it online.

That said, everything sounds within the realms of normal to me and I don't think you're doing anything wrong.

I’ve seen that recommended on here but I didn’t find it very helpful as it was a bit black and white - no manoeuvre for ‘sometimes’ or ‘occasionally but not often’!

I think he sounds normal for 2, he’s a young 2 I wouldn’t expect conversation. Some toddlers are bitey and aggressive, and it’s totally normal for them not to like other kids yet. That being said if you feel somethings not right I’d look into it, it can’t hurt.

Yanbu.

I've a child everyone said was normal, but he has multiple diagnosis now. Everyone likes to explain away behaviours but a profile of a child can build up. It just felt things were a little harder for us than they were for everyone else and I felt like that was my fault.

There is no reason to think your child is autistic from what you've written. But these behaviours can leave little footsteps through their early years development. Do they continue adding up to a big picture? Or will your child grow up, maybe with marginally delayed speech till age 3 and then develop as a normal rambunctious boy? It's hard to say.

Keep an eye on it is all I'm saying - don't worry yourself and get into a rabbit hole. But dont allow your concerns to get dismissed out of hand either. Keep totting it all up and see how it goes.

Nothing you've said sounds especially unusual. Doesn't mean he doesn't have issues, but you'll probably have to wait longer to know for sure.

As far as the aggression goes I think 2 is old enough to start telling him off. you can't reason with a toddler but it's surprising how early they can sense that certain behaviour isn't ok.

As I read your first paragraph I did think it sounded almost like a set text suggesting early indications of possible autism (I work with children on the autistic spectrum, though in our setting the children also have learning disabilities and other challenges so don't have as much experience of children on the spectrum without learning disabilities) but as I read on I changed my mind.

Your son actually sounds fairly "normal" (whatever normal is 🤣 - his development doesn't sound atypical) in my opinion.

Don't forget that the "normal range" is really wide, and children who are "ahead" or (a little bit) "behind" at 2 are not necessarily in that position at 4, or 14, by any means ... In fact (my own children are teens) often the ones who are very precious as toddlers are average academically by age 6 or 7, and sometimes the"late starters" overtake them around that age... Not always of course!

Of course keep an eye - its great you adapted your approach to reading together to get him more involved, that's fantastic responsive parenting. If you carry on being "switched on" to his development and adapting as you are you won't go far wrong.

Many (by no means all or most, but many) children do go through that aggressive and bitey stage and parents and caregivers need to be within arms length when other small children are around - it's hard work but doesn't really mean anything developmentally if it's happening at only just 2 - it would be very different if he was 4 or 5 of course!

I woulf just recommend op that you write this stuff down as if at some point you go through an autism assessment they ask a lot about early years. My child was 8 and i could barely remember !
It will help you as well if you keep a diary of concerns.

Even if he grows out of it ...you will have kept an eye on your own concerns

You could ask for one to one chst at nursery.

The reality is toddlers ate unpredictable so it tends to be as they get older any neurodiverse traits become clearer

Whilst it can he an issue when combined with other traits, I wouldn't particularly worry about not pointing. My DD1 never pointed at stuff, I've no idea why. She's fine.

Has his hearing been checked recently OP?

You should be due the 2 year check soon, I think we had DS's at 27 months. It's definitely worth discussing with the HV and you could also ask nursery for a referral to Portage.

I am really grateful for your responses. The daft thing is i ‘know’ autism well myself, but with your own child it’s really hard seeing the wood from the trees, especially as what’s online is quite variable.

Hearing wise - yes. He’s been under an ENT since about 16 months, he had a perforated eardrum at 14 months and I do wonder if this explains or partly explains some of the behaviour. As his ear was particularly bad at the same point biting others was almost a daily occurrence

I do tell DS off but it’s very hard to know where to gauge it. So today he pushed a little girl at a class we go to and I didn’t exactly shout but I did raise my voice and said DS no, don’t push her or something like that. He burst into tears and sat in the middle of the room as a protest and I did go to him then and quietly say it’s ok, but give her a cuddle if you want to touch her. I know he needs to understand parental disapproval but equally leaving him howling seems harsh. I do praise him when he’s kind to other children and this is the thing, he can be, he is very gentle with friends dog, I’ve seen him hug babies unprompted too.

@MrsMullerBecameABaby i would agree re what you say about precocious children, I’ve worked in education for a long time and have found the same. I know with DH and I that I am probably better verbally and certainly a better reader but DH was (is) just brilliant with maths and technology. I’m positive DH doesn’t have autism by the way!

I never had a HV I just took my children to the family clinic.
A lot sounds normal but I think the aggression isn't, certainly the twisting of your skin and pulling YOUR hair (i can see a child pulling another child's hair but not their mothers). If you have doubts get him checked out (no idea what you have to do to do this).

@mondaytosunday it was really upsetting but seems to have stopped now. In fairness to DS it was very rare and was always when he was completely exhausted. The last time I can remember him doing it was when he was 22/23 months, so back in early November. He was in a soft play thing that was timed and I had to get him out and he went absolutely nuts on me. He was way overdue a nap and that seems to be the trigger. Whether it’s normal or not I don’t know though.

Occasionally but not often is no looking at the guidance. It says what is most usual, so if they usually do it then you would say yes but if they only occasionally do it then say no.

I think the example you gave today about pushing the girl in class is a good one. He's very young to be understanding a clear / shouty "no" and is obviously upset by it. But that upset May be more a shock at your tone that actually understanding that his prior actions caused it. It may be better to model the behaviour you DO want in that scenario rather than "tell him off". So keep him close, model interactions with his peers and how to keep them positive. You can do this as role play with teddies etc as well.

I'm the first to say about red flags for ASD but he's only just over two and this could well be totally normal. I think probably a lot of it is explained by his ear issues, for anything else it's just a case of wait and see but I wouldn't be getting him assessed based on this. Give it some time and see how he progresses, he could be completely different in 6 months or a years time.

I do think he’s in a bit of a cycle of over tiredness as well at the moment, but not sure how to stop this. Put him to bed early and he wakes ridiculously early, but if you put him to bed later he wakes at a more civilised time but hasn’t had enough sleep, there just doesn’t seem to be a way round this problem.

The ear last played up just before Christmas, am hoping that may be it.

@bumpytrumpy i get that but I don’t honestly know if he would listen to any sort of explanations. I think the problem is that whatever I do seems to have zero effect on the behaviour and I’m losing confidence in my own abilities as a parent.

Get a speech assessment and go from there.

His speech sounds slightly delayed.

I’m not sure how to go about doing that - is it through the GP?

He sounds within the realms of normal to me, but of course, you can't diagnose anything over the internet.

Just keep an eye on it and report to your doctor if you are truly concerned.

I think it’s normal to be worried- it means you’re a good mum!

My best friend and I each have a DS born in the same year, but six months apart; the developmental differences between them can be huge sometimes, and I then fret that my DS is “behind”, but of course he’s not, six months is A LOT younger when you’re only 36 old months in total. They also regularly astonish us by doing something for the first time seemingly overnight…and not always oldest one first!

Easier said than done but try not to worry - keep a quiet eye on your DS’ development by all means, but he sounds just like my DS at the same age…especially the aggression when he couldn’t make himself understood!

Thanks, I do fret. I thought I was prepared for so many things but it’s hard when he pushes without any provocation. And I worry so much about his future if he becomes known as an unpleasant, bullying sort.

Aggressive behaviour is usually due to poor communication skills. Given his hearing problems it's quite probably nothing more than sheer frustration - he doesn't yet have the language to express his needs and wants son expresses them physically. O

It all sounds within normal range for his age to me, and I would also be reassured that the nursery staff have no concerns about his development. The biting, snatching, pushing, tantrums and demonic rages are unfortunately normal at this age.

Obviously keep an eye on it, but don't worry if he compares "badly" with one child or another. They are all so very different at that stage, and it balances itself out amazingly as time goes on.

I think he sounds within the range of normal development. The aggression could be because he can't confidently express himself verbally yet?