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Original poster

Is it fair my husband has to do everything for his family?

30 replies

Sealover123 · 16/03/2023 22:40

Help! Need advice.

My DH has 2 siblings, he's the youngest of 3. My PILs are in their 70s and live about 1.5 hrs drive away from us. His parents are separated but not divorced; they still share a house together but FIL is away half the year and then they live together half the year. MIL has severe health issues.

We offered if they wanted to move to our area we could check on her more often when FIL is away. They live in a small town with not many job opportunities, so we are not moving there. They declined, fair enough.

MIL has carers coming round twice a day to check on her. My husband has an intense job (long hours, high stress). When FIL is away my DH often gets calls to urgently go and help his mum. Like today. She called and couldn't get up. Feeling poorly. My husband was busy on his 1 day off doing something important but said I'll be there in 1.5 hrs.

BIL messages us all (family group chat) saying the carer has just come round and mum's got Covid. Hubby is en route, I call to warn him (mask up, disinfect). Worried if he gets sick as he has so much on his plate the next month. I just had an ectopic surgery and have been healing and started a new job. Feeling overwhelmed and wonder is it fair that he always has to be the responsible one? His brother lives only 15 minutes further but never gets called (no kids, easier job) and his older sister lives hours away and only visits parents once a year. I love both his parents but think it's unfair he always has to do everything! There's 5 of them and my DH is always the nice, helpful one.

MIL actually wants to go to a care home but FIL apparently refused! They've been at a stalemate for years, shouldn't they sort it out?

OP posts:
AldiorLidl · 16/03/2023 22:47

It's a really difficult situation but ultimately he doesn't have to do any of those things, he's making a choice to.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/03/2023 22:47

FIL can’t stop her going into a home. He’s happy fucking off for half the year and they’re no longer together, so he can do one.

DH should make that happening a priority.

He can’t make his siblings step up and his sister sounds very detached, possibly for good reason you don’t know, so all he can do is manage his own load. If he’d been working today would he have gone?

If the carer had already been why did DH still go? Wasn’t the carer sorting the issue?

I’m very sorry about your ectopic, and I hope your new job is going well.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/03/2023 22:52

He doesn't have to.

No one else is going to pick up the slack if he's doing it.

As for FIL dictating her care when he's out of the country half the year, what a complete arsehole. Find her a nice home, convince her, then work in FIL.

Original poster
Sealover123 · 16/03/2023 23:01

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/03/2023 22:47

FIL can’t stop her going into a home. He’s happy fucking off for half the year and they’re no longer together, so he can do one.

DH should make that happening a priority.

He can’t make his siblings step up and his sister sounds very detached, possibly for good reason you don’t know, so all he can do is manage his own load. If he’d been working today would he have gone?

If the carer had already been why did DH still go? Wasn’t the carer sorting the issue?

I’m very sorry about your ectopic, and I hope your new job is going well.

If he was working today he couldn't have gone.

We didn't know the carer's visit time and MIL sounded so poorly that hubby rushed off in the car. If we'd have known the carer would have got there almost an hour before DH, he may not have gone.

Thanks I am recovering, some days I'm fine and others are very difficult. The new job is a good distraction at least!

OP posts:
WulyJmpr · 16/03/2023 23:42

What happens if the brother is asked to go and help his parents? I.e. in reply to the WhatsApp message?

Original poster
Sealover123 · 16/03/2023 23:46

WulyJmpr · 16/03/2023 23:42

What happens if the brother is asked to go and help his parents? I.e. in reply to the WhatsApp message?

His mum doesn't use the WhatsApp. She only phones. She won't ever call BIL asking for help; it's always DH! Mind you she'll call him once hubby is on the way, to fill him in. The BIL has the communicator role but that takes about 30 seconds, whereas DH always has the actual doer role that takes hours. I don't understand the dynamic!

OP posts:
Lefteyetwitch · 16/03/2023 23:52

What would happen if you say to your DH you don't want him to go?

WulyJmpr · 16/03/2023 23:54

Sealover123 · 16/03/2023 23:46

His mum doesn't use the WhatsApp. She only phones. She won't ever call BIL asking for help; it's always DH! Mind you she'll call him once hubby is on the way, to fill him in. The BIL has the communicator role but that takes about 30 seconds, whereas DH always has the actual doer role that takes hours. I don't understand the dynamic!

Show quote history

I agree its so cheeky really. I think your DH needs to push back onto their Communicator Brother to step up to help his own parents and stop volunteering himself! Your DH sounds at risk of burn out.

NoSquirrels · 16/03/2023 23:56

In this scenario, surely your DH calls his brother and says ‘Mum’s ill and sounds bad - can you go round and check on her?’

If he doesn’t do that first before beginning a mercy dash that’s his choice.

TheOriginalEmu · 17/03/2023 00:00

Your husband is allowing this by going running. That’s on him, no one else.

Original poster
Sealover123 · 17/03/2023 00:08

Lefteyetwitch · 16/03/2023 23:52

What would happen if you say to your DH you don't want him to go?

I said I hope she's OK but expressed that today was meant to be our only time together in a week or so? He said he'd make it up to me. Fair enough. It was when he was en route and the carer had gotten there and confirmed she had Covid which is when I got angry. I think he should have pulled over, rang her and checked the carer was sorting her out. As I've been recently healing from surgery I don't appreciate him possibly infecting me when it's avoidable. I don't want him sick either ☹️

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 17/03/2023 01:08

I think there's the ongoing, current and future situation to consider. There's also the dynamic between you and your husband.
Firstly I don't think you can make anyone else do more. Secondly your MIL is choosing to stay put. She had the opportunity to be closer to you and she's said she'd like to be in a care home but she isn't doing either of those things. So unless you think FIL has bullied her (not persuaded, or she wants to please him) then that's on her. It's selfish to guilt your husband to dashing over.
She has carers in daily. Does she have a medical alarm? She can use the phone, so tell gervto dial 111. I understand she might be scared or feel vulnerable but the situation isn't sustainable.
If your husband chose to pander to her that's on him. If he thought it was urgent he would have rang an ambulance. I'd be giving him ultimatums if it's impacting on family life.
I'm guessing MILs care package will be adjusted if she's very sick.
I think most sensible answer would be for MIL to move closer to you in sheltered or residential care. That'll allow you to enjoy her company, visiting and having her round for dinner. Are you certain FIL isn't wanting to hang onto his house or her disability benefits? It sounds a very strange set up.

Pencilsaremylife · 17/03/2023 01:28

Presumably your FIL wants her to stay in the house so that he has somewhere to comeback to after after 6 months away rather than it being what is in her best interest. What’s the point of them being separated if she can’t make plans for her own future but still has to “ obey” him. If she won’t confront him about it wait til he’s next away and get her moved to sheltered housing, or whatever best suits her needs, closer to you. Is there a house to sell or do they rent?

DeeCeeCherry · 17/03/2023 01:42

I'm presuming its a cultural thing re your H doing all the running around, and your FIL being in his homeland for half the year.

If this is actually the case, nothing will change unfortunately. Duty to parents, cultural expectations and obligations are very hard to unravel. There's always one dumped on the most, its either the eldest son or the son who is most likely to jump up into saviour mode. Even if your MIL were to go into a home she'd still be calling upon your H 24/7.

& I'm guessing when you married into the culture you must have known this but perhaps thought it would change when you married and had a family of your own. I've never known that to change anything, however.

If it's not a cultural situation however, I am flabbergasted and don't quite understand how it's got to this stage...

Murdoch1949 · 17/03/2023 06:21

Your husband needs to convene a family meeting. Things are going to continue to deteriorate for these elderly parents, so how are the siblings going to deal with it. Your husband is being a good son, but is probably being used by his siblings to look after mum, it needs to be fairer. It could get to a situation where there are several call outs a month, it's not fair for your husband to do them all. They can discuss a rota, mum moving into a nursing home etc, it needs to be thrashed out.

GoodChat · 17/03/2023 06:26

Why didn't your DH call his brother and ask him to go and check on her, if he's only 15 minutes away?

CalistoNoSolo · 17/03/2023 07:05

DeeCeeCherry · 17/03/2023 01:42

I'm presuming its a cultural thing re your H doing all the running around, and your FIL being in his homeland for half the year.

If this is actually the case, nothing will change unfortunately. Duty to parents, cultural expectations and obligations are very hard to unravel. There's always one dumped on the most, its either the eldest son or the son who is most likely to jump up into saviour mode. Even if your MIL were to go into a home she'd still be calling upon your H 24/7.

& I'm guessing when you married into the culture you must have known this but perhaps thought it would change when you married and had a family of your own. I've never known that to change anything, however.

If it's not a cultural situation however, I am flabbergasted and don't quite understand how it's got to this stage...

It's the only thing that makes sense to me too.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 17/03/2023 07:11

Nobody is making your husband do these things - it's his choice to go.

Ultimately can't force other people to step up, just as you can't force your DH to stop rushing to his mum at the drop of a hat.

Instead of blaming BIL or SIL for not picking up their share, you need to speak to DH and see if he'd be open to having MIL go into a home, to lessen the impact on him.

Untitledsquatboulder · 17/03/2023 07:24

If you MiL wants to move to a care home then maybe you should prioritize assisting her in making the move. Her current situation sounds pretty awful and her care needs are only likely to increase. I'd assume you FiL is objecting on the basis of cost. Are they extremely wealthy? Care homes are very expensive and, if he is non resident for half the year, the house may not be considered his main residence and the sale of your MiL's share might be necessary. If you can, support her in looking into all that.

LimeCheesecake · 17/03/2023 07:32

If FIL is away at the moment, then you need to get moving on a care home without his input. Can dh talk to his brother and sister and say it’s not sustainable she needs to go into a home. They find somewhere suitable, and start the process of moving her.

I assume FIL doesn’t want to pay for it, but then he needs to engage with that he can’t go away for half the year.

Smothereandannoyed · 17/03/2023 07:33

This situation is untenable and is going to continue to get worse and worse. For whatever reason your husband must have come across to them that he's happy to help wherever and your mil probably has no idea that he's so busy etc. The only way to stop this is to simply explain the situation to your in laws
I am sure they understood perfectly that none of you live close so in that instance other care has to be put into place
And regarding a care home, I'm disgusted in your fil . During the 6 months he is away this needs to be sorted. It will help your mil and all of the rest of you too. There's nothing fil can do about it

maddening · 17/03/2023 07:38

She needs to divorce fil,.sell the house and divide the assets so she can move closer or in to a home (near you and bil preferably)

blumppump · 17/03/2023 07:38

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 17/03/2023 07:11

Nobody is making your husband do these things - it's his choice to go.

Ultimately can't force other people to step up, just as you can't force your DH to stop rushing to his mum at the drop of a hat.

Instead of blaming BIL or SIL for not picking up their share, you need to speak to DH and see if he'd be open to having MIL go into a home, to lessen the impact on him.

This, basically.

I'm the one who lives closest and I was expected to do everything.

Personal care. Meals. Washing. Visits. Everything.

Im disabled myself and I just dropped the rope. I can't do it anymore so I stopped.

And now I get how im all the bastards because im only 5 minutes away and it's not a big deal for me to have to call round.

Except. It is.

Snoken · 17/03/2023 07:51

GoodChat · 17/03/2023 06:26

Why didn't your DH call his brother and ask him to go and check on her, if he's only 15 minutes away?

I think she meant the BIL lives 1h45min away, 15 minutes further than OP and her DH does.

Unsure33 · 17/03/2023 08:23

maddening · 17/03/2023 07:38

She needs to divorce fil,.sell the house and divide the assets so she can move closer or in to a home (near you and bil preferably)

I agree , a family meeting is needed , all the children need to get medical and financial power of attorney. Now. Any moves take a long time and the mothers needs need to be prioritised. Perhaps move her into assisted living nearer one of the siblings , but why should her requirements be ignored? It’s hard being so far away when she obviously needs help .