Is it fair my husband has to do everything for his family?

[Sealover123]

Help! Need advice.

My DH has 2 siblings, he's the youngest of 3. My PILs are in their 70s and live about 1.5 hrs drive away from us. His parents are separated but not divorced; they still share a house together but FIL is away half the year and then they live together half the year. MIL has severe health issues.

We offered if they wanted to move to our area we could check on her more often when FIL is away. They live in a small town with not many job opportunities, so we are not moving there. They declined, fair enough.

MIL has carers coming round twice a day to check on her. My husband has an intense job (long hours, high stress). When FIL is away my DH often gets calls to urgently go and help his mum. Like today. She called and couldn't get up. Feeling poorly. My husband was busy on his 1 day off doing something important but said I'll be there in 1.5 hrs.

BIL messages us all (family group chat) saying the carer has just come round and mum's got Covid. Hubby is en route, I call to warn him (mask up, disinfect). Worried if he gets sick as he has so much on his plate the next month. I just had an ectopic surgery and have been healing and started a new job. Feeling overwhelmed and wonder is it fair that he always has to be the responsible one? His brother lives only 15 minutes further but never gets called (no kids, easier job) and his older sister lives hours away and only visits parents once a year. I love both his parents but think it's unfair he always has to do everything! There's 5 of them and my DH is always the nice, helpful one.

MIL actually wants to go to a care home but FIL apparently refused! They've been at a stalemate for years, shouldn't they sort it out?

In my experience there is always one sibling who does more because they don't have it in them to just sit back and watch a parent suffer. The one with the close emotional bond does it all and the others happily let them. The only way to change this is to pay for more informal support or care because siblings like it how it is (for good reason or not).

@Snoken ah thank you. I've re-read and I think you're right

Your DH is enabling his Dad to abuse his Mum. Not following her wishes to go into a care home is abuse. You're right that he shouldn't be running up there, he should be supporting her to move into a care home. I saw this a lot when working in elderly care, it's cruel.

You husband needs to put his foot down and tell everyone this stops now.

It is convenient for his siblings to do nothing and for his parents to have him on call.

He needs to stop enabling this behaviour.

If the parents can no longer cope without that amount of constant support it is time for them to accept that assisted living/a home is needed.

She wants to go into a home, her dickhead husband won’t let her and for some strange reason, none of the siblings seem to be dealing with that issue.