New girlfriend going on holiday with her ex

[Chickennug]

I’m in a new relationship with someone who is still tying up matters with her ex, who she still lives with.

We started talking over a year ago, and have connected really strongly and built a relationship across that year.
We didn’t move things any further because she was still in a relationship, but was very unhappy and wanted to move on.

We recently met for the first time, had a wonderful time together and decided that we’re going to give it a go.

when she returned home, she finally had a conversation with her ex and said it was time to move on and for him to move out, which he has agreed to do.

As part of their conversations around separating, he bought up that he had booked a surprise 3 day trip for her upcoming birthday, and asked what they should do about that.

she was open and honest about it with me, but I was shocked when she told me that she was considering going, since it’s all booked and paid for.

From her point of view, there’s no romantic connection anymore, but since they were together for 10 years, she sees him as her best friend.
I’m sensitive and understanding to this and want to be supportive of them having a friendship moving forward, but it felt like a massive gut punch to here her say that she’s considering going on the holiday with him.

By the time it comes around, he’ll have been moved out for a month or so, and she’s tried to reassure me that it would be far from romantic, and she really wants to spend her 30th birthday somewhere nice, since it’s a big deal for her.

Its really hurt me and bought me crashing back down to earth with a bang.
Im not a jealous person at all, and as mentioned, I do want to be supportive and open to her maintaining a friendship with her ex in the future.
I just expected them to have a period of separate healing and building new lives before that began, and not to IMMEDIATELY be going on holiday together.

I’m trying to be ok with the idea and get over my feelings.
I’m also keen to see things from her point of view and be supportive of it, but I’m struggling and I’m just really hurt that she’s even considering it.

Am I being unreasonable?

Also, I realise that this is already a very complicated start to a relationship given the circumstances, but it’s where we are, so I’m trying to make the best of it.

I find it hard to believe they’re fully separated tbh. I get on really well with all but one of my exes but I wouldn’t have gone on holiday with any of them when we’d just broken up and I’d started seeing someone. Very messy.

This is very messy. I don’t think you’re feelings are unreasonable but this is the kind of thing of thing was perhaps inevitable to some extent, in the situation you have become involved in.

I don’t think it will be a bad thing to discuss your feelings with her. But it may well be that she chooses to go on this holiday with the fella that she’s living with.

Well she had an emotional affair with you for a year so it can’t be a surprise that her relationship boundaries are blurry…

Mate...

This isn't just a red flag but a huge red alert.

Let them play out this final act and keep your heart in bubble wrap. Sorry 💐

She hasn't left him. She's playing you. She's probably not getting attention at home and was enjoying what she was getting from you. It wouldn't surprise me if she comes back from her holiday to say that things have gotten back on track and she will cut ties with you or keep stringing you along.

If going somewhere for her birthday is so important why can't she cancel on him and not go away with you?

She has no morals or values. Is this someone you want to be with?

We started talking over a year ago, and have connected really strongly and built a relationship across that year

We recently met for the first time

Can you see the disconnect between those two statements? You can't have a strong connection with someone you've never met.

Yeah you're the OW/OM. She's having her cake and eating it.

She’s playing you like a fiddle. She had an emotional affair with you whilst still being in a relationship and now she’s going on holiday with her ex?!

yeah, no. In no realm is this normal behaviour

I'm sorry OP but you're being used.

Why would anyone accept that their girl/boyfriend should go on a little holiday with their 'ex?'

You've become close on the ether but only recently met???

Enormous red flags.

Sorry.

If she is a reasonable person, her relationship is genuinely over and you're getting on that well - you can buy his share of the three day break and go in his place. See what she says to that suggestion......

You sound really nice, and super understanding. But, having lunch, the occasional glass of wine with an ex might be okay but I am sorry a holiday is pushing it. Also it seems more about her missing out on a free holiday....she could offer to pay him back or he could go with a friend. If she goes I think you will be in anguish.

I doubt he still would go on holiday with her if he knew she was cheating and wanting to leave, how could they possibly have a good time even as friends. I think it's bs and she's stringing both of you along.

Jesus.

She started a relationship with you before she ended her TEN YEAR relationship, and then immediately started up with you.
This woman is not good relationship material

Tell her to get in touch if and when they make a clean break from each other, are no longer living or holidaying together or feel the need for the tie of 'best friend'. Even then I'd be cautious. There's something about a person who'd start a new relationship while their primary partner still believes they're together enough to plan a surprise break, and to want to go on the break, that sets off warning bells.

I have never seen such a giant red flag, op. She is a walking red flag. Have nothing to do with her. First, she has zero integrity evidenced by fact she’s flirted around, whatever you want to call it, with you for a year while she’s lived with her partner. Then she sees you, goes out with you, and decides to start dating you so goes home where she’s still living with partner (!) to ‘tell’ him. When she finds out about all expense paid trip, she tells you partner is best friend, nothing romantic, and that she wants to go somewhere nice for her birthday 🙄 What a self centered, calculating, devious creature she is.

Please tell me you can see that very obvious fact?

What are you doing to do when she wants to spend time with her best friend (partner)?

You have something she wants, something she can use you for. Something is in it for her. You can take that to the bank.

Have a scintilla of dignity and this is what I’d suggest. Dump her spectacularly in the most superior way you can think of. She thinks she’s got you wrapped around her pinky finger. You need to disabuse her of that notion, and do it decisively, leave her in the dust. Don’t listen to a crooked word she says. If you have any sense at all.

Yep, she sounds like a serial overlapper

I would be concerned that you're a rebound to plaster over the pain of separation.

She's cheated on him with you for a year. She'll cheat on you with him too.

Don't get involved. They're not separated.

If that was me, and my ex had bought a holiday I wanted to go on, I'd give them their money back and take a friend.

Shouldn't she be taking you on this holiday?

This. The red flags were flapping as soon as you started “talking”.

I call that type Tarzans, swinging through the world never letting go of one liana before they have the other firmly gripped

Could you offer to take her exes place? Pay his share and go with her. That way she gets the birthday she wants with someone she claims she wants to be with? Your not being unreasonable, she is.

Not good.

Agree with the posts so far but would just add... no matter what, you can't control what someone else does. But you can tell them how that would make you feel. And you can choose your action to walk away from them if they disregard it. Whilst you cannot make her do what you want, you also don't have to be passive in this situation.

Even if it's totally innocent, she isn't putting much effort in to build a relationship with you if she's willing to do this sort of thing.

I'd tell her let's leave things for now, and she can maybe get back in touch when the dust has properly settled.