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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

New girlfriend going on holiday with her ex

49 replies

Chickennug · 16/03/2023 17:19

I’m in a new relationship with someone who is still tying up matters with her ex, who she still lives with.

We started talking over a year ago, and have connected really strongly and built a relationship across that year.
We didn’t move things any further because she was still in a relationship, but was very unhappy and wanted to move on.

We recently met for the first time, had a wonderful time together and decided that we’re going to give it a go.

when she returned home, she finally had a conversation with her ex and said it was time to move on and for him to move out, which he has agreed to do.

As part of their conversations around separating, he bought up that he had booked a surprise 3 day trip for her upcoming birthday, and asked what they should do about that.

she was open and honest about it with me, but I was shocked when she told me that she was considering going, since it’s all booked and paid for.

From her point of view, there’s no romantic connection anymore, but since they were together for 10 years, she sees him as her best friend.
I’m sensitive and understanding to this and want to be supportive of them having a friendship moving forward, but it felt like a massive gut punch to here her say that she’s considering going on the holiday with him.

By the time it comes around, he’ll have been moved out for a month or so, and she’s tried to reassure me that it would be far from romantic, and she really wants to spend her 30th birthday somewhere nice, since it’s a big deal for her.

Its really hurt me and bought me crashing back down to earth with a bang.
Im not a jealous person at all, and as mentioned, I do want to be supportive and open to her maintaining a friendship with her ex in the future.
I just expected them to have a period of separate healing and building new lives before that began, and not to IMMEDIATELY be going on holiday together.

I’m trying to be ok with the idea and get over my feelings.
I’m also keen to see things from her point of view and be supportive of it, but I’m struggling and I’m just really hurt that she’s even considering it.

Am I being unreasonable?

Also, I realise that this is already a very complicated start to a relationship given the circumstances, but it’s where we are, so I’m trying to make the best of it.

OP posts:

MaryJean87 · 16/03/2023 19:01

You're probably going to get hurt. She's not serious about you if she's going with him. Depending on how much you like her, I'd be tempted to call it a day or at the very least I'd be talking a step back and meeting other people. Then if she wants to come back to you and start afresh she'll have to prove herself to you and you won't have become too invested.

Mayorquimby2 · 16/03/2023 19:04

Oh she's going to be fucking him.

Iam4eels · 16/03/2023 19:06

I'd be wary of overinvestment in a relationship with someone who is still in the process of extricating themselves from their previous, longterm relationship. It's a messy situation that is very likely to result in you getting hurt when she she gets back with her ex or realises she doesn't want to be in another relationship yet or decided she wants to play the field before settling down again. It's not a relationship that is going to have a future.

Then in this particular case the ex is still very much on the scene and very much an active player in her life.

You're going to get your feelings hurt, OP. You deserve to be with someone who is free to start a new relationship and who isn't going to bring a heap of complications your way.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 16/03/2023 19:25

They’re definitely going to have sex on that holiday.

Lilyandroses · 16/03/2023 20:01

You’re going to end up getting hurt OP

If I was you, the best thing to do would be to give her time and space to let the dust settle with her ex before involving yourself.

I will be honest and say that it sounds a bit of a red flag that she is considering going away with her ex partner whilst she has just started a new relationship with you. If she was done with him and wanted to peruse things with you - she wouldn’t under any circumstances be thinking of going away with him.

Without knowing them personally this might come across a bit harsh but I can see them getting back together or ending up connecting again whilst away together, sorry but I really do think you’ll be the one getting burnt here x

drpet49 · 16/03/2023 20:06

Thighlengthboots · 16/03/2023 17:39

She’s playing you like a fiddle. She had an emotional affair with you whilst still being in a relationship and now she’s going on holiday with her ex?!

yeah, no. In no realm is this normal behaviour

This. Red flags all over the place.

Conkersinautumn · 16/03/2023 20:08

She appears to be planning on cheating on someone. Just depends who by who's asking

BunsenBurnerBaby · 16/03/2023 20:16

This happened to me. Reader, it did not end well. I ended it after 12(?) months because OH was still very entangled with ex. The holiday thing at the beginning was the first sign and I should have run for the hills.

HaggisBurger · 16/03/2023 20:17

I don’t think she’s your girlfriend

OneFrenchEgg · 16/03/2023 20:45

Really surprised at all the love for the op here, who has been actively in an emotional relationship with someone who has a partner for over a year, met them, and was the catalyst for the relationship ending.
Is it because people think op is male? Because if op was clearly a woman pursuing a man in a relationship that never goes well this well for them on MN.

RunningFromInsanity · 16/03/2023 22:58

OneFrenchEgg · 16/03/2023 20:45

No love here at all.

If you have an (emotional) affair with someone whilst they are in a relationship, you cannot be surprised at how they treat you in your relationship.

Passerillage · 17/03/2023 08:11

Is the implication here that you are also a woman? I would be very very wary here. It really does sound like she is experimenting with her - and your - feelings here, and that this weekend away is

a) because she doesn't take you seriously as a new legitimate sexual partner partner so it doesn't matter if she has sex with him
b) because she wanted to give him a bit of a fright, and means to allow him to rekindle their romance and will come back full of apologies, wearing a brand new engagement ring.

Either way, she has spent a full year demonstrating her callousness to the people who love her. Don't be surprised that you're the one on the receiving end now!

EmmaL96 · 25/03/2023 22:05

Sorry your In this situation but if I’m completely honest this deosnt sound right at all if you were done with your ex you certainly wouldn’t being on holiday with him and if she wanted to do something amazing for her 30th she could of got him to cancel it and she could of done something with you or her friends

if I was you I would be really carefull as you don’t want to get treated like a mug and imagine if she came home and said she has changed her mind and wants to get back with him

I hope things work out more positively for you but I just think this is a major red flag you should never really get involved with someone that’s in a relationship or is in the process of breaking up with an ex because there’s always a chance for them to reconcile and then you just end up getting hurt x

OnaBegonia · 25/03/2023 22:58

She's not your new GF, you've met her ONCE, block and delete.

MynameisnotMa · 25/03/2023 23:01

Run.

Crumpleton · 26/03/2023 00:08

If they have genuinely split unless her 'ex' is very controlling and not excepting the situation I find it odd that he has paid for them to go away knowing that she now has a new partner.
More odd though is that she is even considering going.

JMSA · 26/03/2023 04:56

Bin her. Absolutely get rid.

crumpet · 26/03/2023 05:04

I’d stay in contact but wait to see how she feels after the holiday before taking the relationship any further. That way if she does rekindle things, neither of you will have invested too much at this stage.

Whatsthefrequencykenny · 26/03/2023 05:53

You have met her once and she is in a relationship with someone else.

She isn’t your girlfriend and she is going on a birthday trip with her boyfriend.

This is why you don’t get involved with people who are in relationships. People who cheat on their partners aren’t a good choice. Find someone who is single.

MisogynyNonConforming · 26/03/2023 07:00

I'd wonder if her partner even knows about what's been going on with you. The poor man probably believes the holiday is a chance to repair their relationship.

EddieSteady · 26/03/2023 07:05

This isn't a goer OP.

I highly doubt she's told him a thing about you because he wouldn’t be wanting to go on holiday with her if he knew she'd spent a year lining you up to replace him.

So she's a lying liar that lies and is still lying and very unlikely to be telling you the truth.

IfIGoThereWillBeTrouble · 26/03/2023 07:10

You do know they’ll be sharing a double bed on their holiday, don’t you?

Polito · 04/06/2023 02:30

I think you should be understanding just this once. If anything like this happens again then walk away. I was in a very similar situation to that of your new lady several years ago. I went on the holiday with the ex. It was just three or four days. I had an awful time and it confirmed why I had made the split. I came back committed to starting properly with new partner.

Mayorquimby2 · 04/06/2023 22:24

Polito · 04/06/2023 02:30

😂😂😂😂😂

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