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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother's Day....am I being a total cow?

47 replies

BlueberryShy · 16/03/2023 16:20

Hi all, I'm hoping the collective mind can help me figure out if I'm being unreasonable re Mother's Day and possibly help me find a solution that works. Name changed but I've got the Argos crow, snapped and farted, was invested in the little Asian lady picnicking in a garden, sat through the husband eating fat balls etc 😂

I'm going to try not to spoon feed but in a nutshell my mum has form for being very lazy and generally quite entitled. Birthdays, occasions and celebrations usually involve her ALWAYS being the guest, never the host - and she generally sits there being waited on, never an offer to help out. She always expects to have a lift, just turn up and leave with a full belly of food and drinks.

Mother's Day is coming up and my sister and I have both had a stressful time lately and have been incredibly busy. Usually either I host (I can't this year due to redecorating) or my sister does (she doesn't have children but I'm wary that might make this a more sensitive time for her so perpetual 'Mothers Day organiser' isn't fair - plus with poor timing on both our parts, she is also decorating) my child is now in late teens and would like to arrange something themself but isn't yet capable/has a budget for a big family thing. Mum is, as always, not contributing to any form of plan just sitting waiting for the very special treatment that she is certain she deserves. If it was a one off I'd probably roll with it but it's a constant theme. None of us really have the budget to eat out this year and we have too many dietary requirements for it to be a simple roast in a pub anyway.

AIBU to think under these circumstances, especially as Mum never ever hosts or contributes (but is plenty capable of it) that she really could or should pitch in with suggestions, having the family to hers for a roast or take away etc and not expect to constantly be the princess in every situation? I know it's Mother's Day so I'm not sure if I'm being a total cow, it's just getting a little draining.

I guess it's more advice I'm after. So, how do you handle Mother's Day so it runs smoothly for all if you don't mind sharing?

OP posts:
VeryLowTum · 16/03/2023 16:23

Pick your battles. On another occasion that isn't her birthday or mothers day, expect more input. But on those two days a year she's not unreasonable to not want to host our organise something!

Botw1 · 16/03/2023 16:23

We don't make a big thing out of it if we don't want to for a start.

Some years I might take my mum out for dinner.

This year I won't so I'll pop in with a small present and a card and thats it.

Ive too much else on at the min

Stropalotopus83 · 16/03/2023 16:26

I think all you can do really is try and minimise her expectations. This year a big meal out just isn't in the budget and so I will be popping to my mum's in the morning with some flowers and a card before going home where my other half will cook Sunday lunch for me and our kids.

If she is expecting a big fuss then it is probably best to break it to her gently beforehand that there won't be one.

dementedpixie · 16/03/2023 16:27

I will be taking my mum a card and a few small presents and might make her a cake. I won't be hosting a dinner or anything as it's not something we tend to do. We go low key rather than having a big extravaganza

704703hey · 16/03/2023 16:31

Mine's a bit like that.

I'm only doing a present, card and takeaway lunch this year. But yeah when they expect everything done for them it can be a bit irritating!

Original poster
BlueberryShy · 16/03/2023 16:32

I can't imagine the reaction to no big fuss but I know for certain it wouldn't go down well. It's getting harder because I feel very caught between being a mum (as mine is now at the age where she wants to step up and treat me) and being a daughter, plus ensuring my sister doesn't have to pick up the slack if I just pop in with flowers. Easier when we could just host here as I could cover all bases with no drama.
But I do know I'm lucky to be a Mum and still have my mum so I feel very selfish 🙈

OP posts:
EmmetEmma · 16/03/2023 16:33

YANBU - your mother is being ridiculous and unfair

you could tell her it’s her turn to host or just tell her you aren’t particularly marking it this year for a multitude of reasons

Botw1 · 16/03/2023 16:35

What your sister does isn't your problem.

Nor is your mother's expectations

takealettermsjones · 16/03/2023 16:38

Honestly just pop in with flowers. It's lovely to do extra things if you can/want to but it's not an obligation.

(Also, what is the Argos crow??)

Chocolatefrenzy · 16/03/2023 16:43

Not sure where you live but what about a visit somewhere nice with tea and cake in a cafe??

Timeforabiscuit · 16/03/2023 16:43

Can you go over to hers with a boxed cream tea? She gets fed and hosted in the comfort of her own home!

Lilyhatesjaz · 16/03/2023 16:45

Could you do afternoon tea rather than lunch. Scones cream and jam and cakes.
A lot less work and could be easily taken to your mums house to eat as you are decorating.

Pojji · 16/03/2023 16:45

what about a casual afternoon tea round at your mums. Pick up some scones, jam, cream etc from M&S. Make a few sarnies and a Victoria sponge. Take them round to your mums with your sister. Explain your own houses are uninhabitable but you will be bringing everything require and divvy up what you need to buy with your sister.

Looks like you've made an effort but its quite cheap and the clearing up will be minimal but on your mum. Then you won't be guilt tripped for doing nothing but its scaled back from a full blown meal.

I personally have given up on mothers day, my kids and my mum aren't interested in spending the day with me so I will be doing something for myself!

fuzzbearpenguin · 16/03/2023 16:46

Tell her logistically it will have to be at her house this year, not doing dinner, you and sister will take stuff to do afternoon tea at hers. You and your sis div up cakes scones and sandwiches, big bunch of flowers, descend on mums house for the afternoon.
If she moans tell her you want to spend the afternoon with her and if she wants that too, then this year this is how it can happen.

Lilyhatesjaz · 16/03/2023 16:46

Looks like great minds think alike

Pojji · 16/03/2023 16:46

@Timeforabiscuit &@Lilyhatesjaz snap! Grin

inky1991 · 16/03/2023 16:48

Does your mum usually host and make an effort on all other normal days/occasions? Or is it just birthdays and Mother's Day she acts a bit like a princess?

My mum hosts a lot throughout the year, cause she has the free time the big house to do so. But it does mean on mothers day and birthdays I'm very happy to host or take her out for lunch and don't expect her to contribute anything in return.

SchoolTripDrama · 16/03/2023 16:49

Stropalotopus83 · 16/03/2023 16:26

I think all you can do really is try and minimise her expectations. This year a big meal out just isn't in the budget and so I will be popping to my mum's in the morning with some flowers and a card before going home where my other half will cook Sunday lunch for me and our kids.

If she is expecting a big fuss then it is probably best to break it to her gently beforehand that there won't be one.

How mean! Surely you could invite your mother to join your planned Sunday meal with your husband & kids?!?! Poor lady

Tinkerbyebye · 16/03/2023 16:50

I would simply say that this year you and your sister will pop in at xx time for a cup of tea ( I assume this is possible?) but as she knows both of you are decorating so can’t host anything this year

leave it at that, what you do after popping in is nothing to do with her and that’s when you can’t be treated

just be bright and breezy this is what is happening. If she kicks off I would be saying ok see you the weekend after

Ireallycantthinkofagoodone · 16/03/2023 16:55

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. Surely, when your offspring are parents themselves, it their turn to be spoilt.
At my stage of life, If I receive cards or text messages on Mother’s Day, that’s lovely. I don’t expect anything more.

Original poster
BlueberryShy · 16/03/2023 17:07

Thank you all, the perspective is appreciated as I do tend to fall into 'people pleaser' mode with her. It's strange because if she demanded less, she'd get more as it would be more genuine, you know?

I think, if we add the very essential (to mum) bottle of fizz we could have a winner!!

@inky1991 No she doesn't host or help with the planning ever - she usually doesn't even pick presents herself, she gets each of us to pick the other person's. Although, we seem to have been able to get her out of that this year so there is improvement. Generally, no matter how much you have on your plate she just says 'oh you know I'm no good at that stuff'. That's where the frustration lies to be truthful.

OP posts:
Mateyduck · 16/03/2023 17:12

I would take a big cake over to her house with sister in tow. Have tea, cake and a girlie chat. Game over.
it doesn’t have to be a full entertainment show, just simple girls together tea and cake

UdoU · 16/03/2023 17:14

Just pop round with a card and flowers. Agree with sis that's what you're doing so it's a united front.

Set expectations now.

hattie43 · 16/03/2023 17:16

I feel your pain . My mum is very entitled and her birthday is very close to Mother's Day . She expects totally different presents and flowers on each day and a meal out on each day . Hugely expensive . She does in fairness invite us for the odd roast or takeaway on our birthday so I can't say she never hosts but funny how we have to pay for expensive restaurants but for us it's a takeaway.

In your case OP I'd probably take an afternoon tea package to hers so you can decide how long you stay .

UrsulaPandress · 16/03/2023 17:19

What’s the Argos crow?