Mother's Day....am I being a total cow?

[BlueberryShy]

Hi all, I'm hoping the collective mind can help me figure out if I'm being unreasonable re Mother's Day and possibly help me find a solution that works. Name changed but I've got the Argos crow, snapped and farted, was invested in the little Asian lady picnicking in a garden, sat through the husband eating fat balls etc 😂

I'm going to try not to spoon feed but in a nutshell my mum has form for being very lazy and generally quite entitled. Birthdays, occasions and celebrations usually involve her ALWAYS being the guest, never the host - and she generally sits there being waited on, never an offer to help out. She always expects to have a lift, just turn up and leave with a full belly of food and drinks.

Mother's Day is coming up and my sister and I have both had a stressful time lately and have been incredibly busy. Usually either I host (I can't this year due to redecorating) or my sister does (she doesn't have children but I'm wary that might make this a more sensitive time for her so perpetual 'Mothers Day organiser' isn't fair - plus with poor timing on both our parts, she is also decorating) my child is now in late teens and would like to arrange something themself but isn't yet capable/has a budget for a big family thing. Mum is, as always, not contributing to any form of plan just sitting waiting for the very special treatment that she is certain she deserves. If it was a one off I'd probably roll with it but it's a constant theme. None of us really have the budget to eat out this year and we have too many dietary requirements for it to be a simple roast in a pub anyway.

AIBU to think under these circumstances, especially as Mum never ever hosts or contributes (but is plenty capable of it) that she really could or should pitch in with suggestions, having the family to hers for a roast or take away etc and not expect to constantly be the princess in every situation? I know it's Mother's Day so I'm not sure if I'm being a total cow, it's just getting a little draining.

I guess it's more advice I'm after. So, how do you handle Mother's Day so it runs smoothly for all if you don't mind sharing?

Maybe she means the Mumsnet bat?

You don't have to take your dm to a restaurant.
My dm gets a card
That's it.
I get a card ftom dd, that's it.

I can't find the thread but someone had an Argos voucher to spend to the value of about £5 so asked for advice on what to buy. Everyone voted for this ugly crow so she bought it. The rest of Mumsnet seemed to follow and everyone had these crows 😂😂 The Argos comment section was hilarious, the staff probably couldn't understand how the very substandard crow was suddenly a sell out. It must be in classics, I'll keep looking for it. Tickled me for days!

Your teen sounds like an asset. Could you suggest that your teen makes an afternoon tea and you bring it round to your mum? Few sandwiches, couple of M&S cakes, cup of tea or bargain fizz. I see those 3 tier cake plates all the time for not much money (or you could borrow one if you don’t already have one). Could probably do it for £20 if they really want to challenge themself and don’t go nuts putting £10 of smoked salmon on one sandwich😬. They’ve learned a life-skill, done something nice for their gran, it hasn’t cost much and you don’t feel resentful.

Also hard to be underwhelmed when it’s the kid who did it 😜

Thanks @Rinkydinkydoodle without spoon feeding too much, which I'm really trying to avoid, I think my teen gets a bit fed up of the princess behaviour so probably wouldn't be too on board with that. They are close generally but she's a straight shooter of a kid and very much calls it as she sees it. Hence the awkwardness with her encouraging that it is more about me (through kindness) but inadvertently putting me in more of an awkward spot. This is the result of a family of females no doubt 🙈😂

I think it mostly depends on what kind of mother she has been to you growing up.

If she was kind, considerate, supportive, loving etc then you should make more of an effort - she’s put decades of constant love and work into you.

If she was a bit flaky or ‘meh’ then go with something superficial/easier.

I’m often surprised at the cold attitude towards mums on here once the person themselves is a mum of an older child.

Oof my MIL is one of these. Crap parent and put in minimal effort over the years but expects the stops pulled out for her birthday/Christmas/Mother’s Day etc. Really sticks in my craw!

My mum will get some flowers and a card. Maybe Even a hug. Certainly anit getting no grand gesture meal out or being made a princess of.

Think dh is doing pretty much the same for mil.

My kids no doubt have weird and annoying yet cute things planned. Well maybe not the oldest but the youngest is an all out kinda girl 😂.

Tbh anyone who thinks or demands grand gestures certainly wouldn’t be getting them from me.

Wow! Your Mum is entitled, OP 🙄

My Mum has passed. My daughter will ring me and send me a card. I'll spend the day (VERY happily) alone

Mum we're both decorating so will be round to yours Sunday for a boozy brunch. See you at 11.

Then you can be home by 3 for your teen to cook or whatever it is she's wanting to do

Put a card in the post, if she hasn't booked you then it's hardly your issue if you've got other plans. No, Penis beaker or cancel the cheque That's usually the oh I've been here aaaages honest go to.

@BlueberryShy I know the piggy-in-the-middle between teens and GPs rôle well. Ironic it’s Mother’s Day that’s causing the issues 😂 Maybe an hour in a flotation tank for you?

I would send a card and then ignore the flak. Maybe block her and pretend your phone has been stolen? Then you could 'find' it a few days later when all the fuss has died down.

@SchoolTripDrama

Wow. Judgemental much? I will be going home to my house to spend the rest of Mother's Day with my children. My mother meanwhile will be taken out for a very nice lunch by her husband and my step sister. I can assure you she is not a "poor lady" and is very happy with the plan whereby she will be seeing me and her grandchildren in the morning and spending the rest of the day with her youngest child and husband. She certainly doesn't think I am being "mean".

I do apologise if my currently tight budget offends you but I feel it would be more inappropriate for me to expect her or my step father to cover the cost of lunch for four extra people.

The only crow I remember is Mortimer.

Or Morticia when she was discovered to be a she.

I'm now thinking the crow wasn't a huge deal to anyone else but it genuinely amused me for ages. Maybe it was a raven?! 😂

Ha, found it! www.mumsnet.com/talk/mumsnet_classics/3402882-What-can-I-buy-from-Argos-for-4ish-to-win-a-bet

Yeah agree with other posters - any other occasion fine but mothers day its probably not fair for her to make the arrangements.

You absolutely don't have to make a big huge OTT fuss though and if she moans about it just ignore! Morrisons are doing an afternoon tea that you can pick up from them for a fiver per person - grab one and put it on some fancy plates with flowers and napkins (your dd can help with that and maybe even act as "waitress" -one whose allowed to have her own cakes obviously!), set up either at hers or yours (whatevers easier) and jobs a good un! No need to tell her you weren't up all night cooking it from scratch.

Or you can DIY your own one if easier.

Completely off topic but I haven't seen anyone do a "mumsnet highlights proof" post name change for ages! It used to be de rigeur!

It's drip-feeding. Spoon-feeding is what you seem to be doing to your mum (metaphorically). You're enabling her. You deserve to be spoilt as much as she does, and she needs to learn that and not expect to be the only Queen for the day. It's your day too.

Speak to your sister and maybe do an afternoon tea at your mums, so cake, scones and sandwiches. Go over on the afternoon and have that in place of lunch. Why not get her some flowers, alcohol and a card between the two of you? Set new expectations.

I send flowers to my mum and mil as well as a gift. I don't spend the day with my mum as she lives 4 hours away. I have not visited mil on the day for the last 3 years (two of them were because of covid). We tend to visit the day before instead. This hear we have invited her for afternoon tea but she hasn't responded so tough luck, I think she wants us to go to hers. She isn't up before midday. To be honest since having kids I don't really want to waste the day having to compromise and do what mil wants. I'd rather do my own thing with my little kids. Appreciate that when they grow up they might well want to do their own thing too.

@SheSaidHummingbird That gave me a giggle this morning. But is also quite true. There doesn't seem to be a balance, I've really tried but anything less than her expectations causes a lot of tears, sulking or depressed mood. I guess I need to find my boundary and stick to it regardless of the outcome.
In honesty, as long as she can tell Facebook how loved she is I think she's happy 🙈