To not understand men like this...?!

[parkerlondon]

I'm not quite sure what to make of this or why I feel as strongly as I do about this as intellectually I know this isn't an 'us' (women) problem, but rather (some) men being this way.

I live and work in London. I work for a hospital in paediatric care where I am a Dr. I do not have children (no, I am not a child hater obviously) but the nature of my work is demanding and I am more than ok with not having children of my own.

Sadly; I have seen some really awful/heartbreaking things in my patients (such as abuse/rare cancer) in my work and even though people think most Drs would be hardened to that; it actually made me the opposite.

Not having children has allowed me to focus on my work without any 'distractions'. I also haven't dated for many years just because I haven't been interested - and then the pandemic etc... So I have been single for a long time - and happily so.

My friends only tend to meet people via dating apps nowadays and we got talking about it - and their experiences. I decided to get on an app after much persuasion - and see what all the hype was about, but was slightly uneasy about it from the outset. I don't like posting photos of myself (am not on social media) - but obviously had to post photos in this case - and also I posted relatively basic information in my profile such as likes/dislikes etc... the usual. I was careful to not mention too much about work (as a safeguarding issue) and when some people asked via direct/private messaging where I worked/what field of work I was in; I would just respond with 'internal medicine' rather than stating I work with children. Paranoid of me? Maybe.

I listed that men without children were preferred due to a difference in lifestyles/schedules - but I also said it wasn't personal, just a mere preference. In truth; I didn't give my profile much thought and found filling it out to be a bit boring!

The messages I got were... insane. Mostly crude messages such as:

"Hey babe. Plans tonight?"
"So are you a Dr or a Nurse?"
"I'm hoping you have a Nurses outfit?!"

Those I ignored/blocked.

--

Some just said:

"Hi. What's up?"

No problem, I guess.

--

The others that seemed ok from the outset asked about work - and as did I. But here's what happened a few times. It all started off ok.

HIM: "Would love to get to know you..."

(A few messages later... all pleasantries...)

ME: "Great that you're doing a PhD! What area of research are you specialising in?

HIM: "I don't believe education is only school based. People are so close minded."

ME: "Ok. I was just going off your profile."

HIM: "Whatever. Bet you're not even a Doctor. Stuck up 34 year old b*h."

Needless to say, I was gobsmacked! He got blocked immediately.

--

The parents didn't seem to read my profile and then lashed out at me for not wanting to date them. I was extremely polite as I know there are a lot of crazy people out there.

One said (paraphrasing):

"You don't know my kids. Bit odd that you'd expect to be in their lives, don't you think?"

Another said:

"Yeah. Good luck, sweetheart! Everyone out there has kids!"

Another said:

"My boy spends most of the time with his Mum!"

(READ: The poor mother does all the work!)

--

Again; I spend my time treating children - and whilst these men didn't know that - I didn't appreciate being labelled as some lonely, old, bitter, child hater...?!

I know some apps allow the women to make the first 'move' - and some require you to 'match' first - but honestly; I've given up already!

Are men really this damn fragile?! Is this just app culture? Am I being stuck up in not wanting to reveal too much too soon?

I'm a normal person, with a full time job/career. I have friends, hobbies etc... I'm not sure what I did to warrant such strong reactions from these men. I don't go around abusing people - online or offline.

Also, I didn't think 34 was old, but maybe I am. Oh well.

What a load of time wasters

I hope you find somebody lovely xx

There are a disturbing number of adults (men) out there who genuinely cannot interact successfully.

The people with aggressive 'problem personalities' are more likely to engage just for the sake of being rude or awful. The normal men might be less likely to be on the prowl and therefore take longer to find, but there must be some out there. (Surely...)

Good luck in your search!

There are very good reasons why many of these men are single.

At 43 I went on 2 dates after 6 years single. Monday and Wednesday.

I'm now married to Wednesday.

You're right. What a waste of everyone's time! I will never understand why they bother doing stuff like this. For what purpose?!

This! You are so correct!

I think some men just go on OLD so they can be incredibly rude and hostile to women without consequence.

I guess it's also inevitable that in an environment where you have to state what you do find attractive, there will be people who take offence at the idea that a person who is single and searching might not be attracted to them.

I’m childfree and was told by more than one man when OLD that they never see their children and don’t ‘pay the kids mum’, so they’re technically childfree as well.

I was also told by more than one man they’d been tricked into having children by their ex so they were basically childfree.

Also got lots of sexual messages, lots of ‘hey’ and lots of being called a bitch/slut/stuck up/waste of time because I took longer than 3 minutes to reply to their messages.

There are many many many awful Middle aged men about. Online or otherwise.
Lots of lovely ones too though.

Take 100 x 20 yr old men. A handful will be too awful for anyone ever (they're on Old) but a good 50 of the awful ones would find the many 20 yr old women who have been socially conditioned to think they're winning at life as long as they have a man, any man. Roll on ten years/20 years: these women wake up, and get divorced. These 50 men get put back in the pot, only this time round, women won't put up with their shit any more, and they don't know what to do.
OLD has the first group, the second group; then a small handful of decent men. There's more decent women than there is decent men, so cling on if you get one.

I guess they're doing you a favour by outing themselves as complete idiots to be avoided early on! It is rather depressing though. There are some lovely men out there, don't be discouraged.

Sorry. Couldn't resist.

Omg OP, what awful messages you’ve had! So sorry and solidarity. There are a lot of weirdos out there. But also some gems. I met my DP OLD.

my advice is do some work on your profile. It is important - it’s the only thing people have to go on, and you want to attract men who are actually interested in dating an interesting woman with a great profile, and not looking for any old hook up / basing it on photos iyswim.

I also wrote that I wasn't looking for anyone who already had kids.

Work logistics were involved involved but more broadly I just didn't want to have to take another person's child and ex into account when making big life decisions when I haven't had my own yet. The number of men taking this as an affront or thinking they could be an exception was really irritating and such a clear sign of entitlement. I would explain politely that it wasn't personal but yes, I was sure. Some would then get really snotty or try and challenge me on it when I had been nothing but clear and civil. I stopped replying to those with children in the end.

Having kids was their decision. That's fine. Not sure why they couldn't just accept it rules some women out rather than thinking everyone they like the look of should accept them wholesale. I accepted that my preferences ruled some men out.

I think it's the SM and online dating age to be honest. It's damaged a lot of the ability to socially interact appropriately and has led to completely unrealistic expectations.
I read some research somewhere but can't find it just now, but it was about the modern phenomenon of seemingly having unlimited options and the 'swiping' culture being so damaging and leading to inappropriate interactions and constant discarding of dating profiles and therefore rejection of real people for the daftest of reasons.

I think they’re just showing you their true personalities. It’s a good thing to find this out about them from the start. Keep blocking them

You might have more luck with more niche online dating. No, not that kind of niche...

Like the Classic FM agency if you like classical music (for e.g.)

My DSis and her DH met on a dating site for people who like the outdoors.

Any specific theme would no doubt cut down the time wasters.

I imagine paying a reasonable fee to join would help weed out too.

If you were happy being single then ditch the app and go back to that.

None of the men who have interacted with you sound as if they would enhance your life. Being happily single is far better than "any man" just so you can fulfill society's expectations of you.

It's like finding a needle in a haystack, literally

There are good men on there though, it's just whether you have the patience to sift through the weirdos

You could try forums and websites that focus more on your hobbies and interests and see if you strike up any friendships on those. I met dp in a similar way

Sorry @Phineyj bit of a cross post there

If you'd gone out with Friday you'd have had someone to do all the chores as well

I think it is critical to really look at the profiles properly. There are 'tells' on the pictures and in the bios

Fish
Can't tell which one they are in a group shot
Blurry pictures
General bad decor in background
Illiterate bios
Vague bios

There are more, I'm sure others will help, but the main thing to do before interacting with anyone is ensure none of these markers are present

It is just like being in a pub really, lots of men, most of whom are a 'no'. You just have to develop new skills in discerning which ones are the weirdos and which ones might be non-Neanderthal - and discard them fast. No dialogue at all.

You sound like a really interesting person.

I found online dating hideous! Very aggressive the moment you don't have the same opinion as them. Unsolicited pictures. Asking very personal information then getting mad when I didn't want to share that information.
In the end I got set up on a blind date and met a guy that way.

I honestly don't think you are the problem here. Men seem to be very brave typing from behind a screen.

I think there’s a couple of issues at play here;

1. when online dating or via an app the number of perceived rejections are much higher and much more frequent then they would ever be in any other setting. This in turn can make some aggressive and and angry and overly sensitive to being essentially screened out due to perfectly normal preferences.

2. it’s so much more difficult to pick up on someone’s tone, personality etc and when it’s behind the safety of a screen you/they are no more then just another number, a possibility and so often the thought that you are person with actual feelings can be lost and so normal politeness and pleasantries just seems to go right out of the window!

I am sorry you haven’t had a better experience OP but sadly what you have described seems common.

I wouldn’t tell them your a doctor initially

you will get the fantasist / kink types who want role play 😂
or the ones that assume your rich & solvent and want to be kept - cocklodger these can be very good at hiding there initial plans till your already committed

just say you work in the NHS blah blah and be vague

you could probably place a bet & win that if you went back on OLD in a years time these same assholes would be on line using the the same dire chat up lines and still single