To not understand men like this...?!

[parkerlondon]

I'm not quite sure what to make of this or why I feel as strongly as I do about this as intellectually I know this isn't an 'us' (women) problem, but rather (some) men being this way.

I live and work in London. I work for a hospital in paediatric care where I am a Dr. I do not have children (no, I am not a child hater obviously) but the nature of my work is demanding and I am more than ok with not having children of my own.

Sadly; I have seen some really awful/heartbreaking things in my patients (such as abuse/rare cancer) in my work and even though people think most Drs would be hardened to that; it actually made me the opposite.

Not having children has allowed me to focus on my work without any 'distractions'. I also haven't dated for many years just because I haven't been interested - and then the pandemic etc... So I have been single for a long time - and happily so.

My friends only tend to meet people via dating apps nowadays and we got talking about it - and their experiences. I decided to get on an app after much persuasion - and see what all the hype was about, but was slightly uneasy about it from the outset. I don't like posting photos of myself (am not on social media) - but obviously had to post photos in this case - and also I posted relatively basic information in my profile such as likes/dislikes etc... the usual. I was careful to not mention too much about work (as a safeguarding issue) and when some people asked via direct/private messaging where I worked/what field of work I was in; I would just respond with 'internal medicine' rather than stating I work with children. Paranoid of me? Maybe.

I listed that men without children were preferred due to a difference in lifestyles/schedules - but I also said it wasn't personal, just a mere preference. In truth; I didn't give my profile much thought and found filling it out to be a bit boring!

The messages I got were... insane. Mostly crude messages such as:

"Hey babe. Plans tonight?"
"So are you a Dr or a Nurse?"
"I'm hoping you have a Nurses outfit?!"

Those I ignored/blocked.

--

Some just said:

"Hi. What's up?"

No problem, I guess.

--

The others that seemed ok from the outset asked about work - and as did I. But here's what happened a few times. It all started off ok.

HIM: "Would love to get to know you..."

(A few messages later... all pleasantries...)

ME: "Great that you're doing a PhD! What area of research are you specialising in?

HIM: "I don't believe education is only school based. People are so close minded."

ME: "Ok. I was just going off your profile."

HIM: "Whatever. Bet you're not even a Doctor. Stuck up 34 year old b*h."

Needless to say, I was gobsmacked! He got blocked immediately.

--

The parents didn't seem to read my profile and then lashed out at me for not wanting to date them. I was extremely polite as I know there are a lot of crazy people out there.

One said (paraphrasing):

"You don't know my kids. Bit odd that you'd expect to be in their lives, don't you think?"

Another said:

"Yeah. Good luck, sweetheart! Everyone out there has kids!"

Another said:

"My boy spends most of the time with his Mum!"

(READ: The poor mother does all the work!)

--

Again; I spend my time treating children - and whilst these men didn't know that - I didn't appreciate being labelled as some lonely, old, bitter, child hater...?!

I know some apps allow the women to make the first 'move' - and some require you to 'match' first - but honestly; I've given up already!

Are men really this damn fragile?! Is this just app culture? Am I being stuck up in not wanting to reveal too much too soon?

I'm a normal person, with a full time job/career. I have friends, hobbies etc... I'm not sure what I did to warrant such strong reactions from these men. I don't go around abusing people - online or offline.

Also, I didn't think 34 was old, but maybe I am. Oh well.

Unfortunately, it is a real needle in a haystack problem, and a lot of people have absolutely no clue how to interact properly on these apps.

Avoid any profiles that list out what they don't want and are overly negative, "no gold diggers", etc. those people are huge red flags.

The children part is a reflection of general societal attitudes towards women who don't want kids, unfortunately. Men, in particular, find it hard to understand that some women aren't interested in them, but again, they aren't the type you want to go out with anyway.

This I think is very true.

I have a (male) half decent profile (at least I think so), am solvent, well educated and in a good (if somewhat out there) job. I don't think I am horribly unattractive although probably not Brad Pitt material. I'm not obsessed with posting half naked with fish, or ranting on about sport. I want to chit chat politely to someone for a bit to get to know them. But all I get is either no returns or people just blanking me.

A lot of the female profiles seem to make zero effort as well, with nothing on the profile to spark a conversation. No surprise then that most men approaching a profile like that will come out with some random crap if there is nothing to talk about.

Personally I've given up trying to say something interesting or funny when I contact people for the first time. It's an utter waste of time. It doesn't surprise me that most men lead with stuff like "Hiya how you doing ?" because if my experience is anything to go by putting in any more effort is just pointless. Just message everyone with some non committal crap like that and see who responds.

I think people behave the way they do on dating apps because the world has made them that way. People are basically mostly full of shit. They say things like looks don't matter but then only select people they find good looking. They say they want relationships with honestly, but then post pictures of themselves 20 years ago and claim they are 10 years younger. They say they don't want edgy or forward conversation but what they mean is they don't want edgy or forward conversation from the people they don't fancy - they are creeps. The ones they do fancy then it's fine.

Hopefully I don't come across as too bitter and twisted 😀- I have had some fun with OLD and met some nice people, but far fewer than I would have hoped - it's taken a long time.

OP there must be OLD sites aimed at people on the same level professionally/educationally as you. So perhaps not as likely to be the awful types you have encountered?

Yes, a fair few men really are that fragile. And plenty of them have a sense of entitlement. They really dislike a woman saying no to them, for any reason.

Lots of men put on their profiles that they dont want to date women with kids and it is seen as perfectly acceptable. I would just take those horrible messages as a quick way of filtering out the dickheads.

Sounds like they’re all at home watching Andrew Tate’a demise.

Neggers gonna neg. An intelligent insightful 34 year old doctor is a caaatch. I’ve got a pal who is similarly high achieving and she is having the same issues as you, bunch of resentful chumps out there🤪 Is there not a professional/ prestige/ medical dating website you could try? You have a great career, a very good idea of who you are and what you want and a lot of men do seem threatened by that.

You need to get yourself on some sites with a bit more credibility as the free ones are just awful and full of inept grunts.

Yep. Part of your problem is you are an interesting person. There's a whole bunch of men who know they could never keep you engaged. And they are livid.