I have had quite a bit of trauma in my life. I think I've turned out okay, I am aware it has affected parts of my life. For instant, I am terrified of rejection, I have low self esteem and I have trouble controlling my emotions, as soon as I feel a hint of hurt I will lash out on that person to the point I say the most vile things I can to hurt them straight back, its like an out of body experience. I see myself doing and saying horrible things and can't stop, it's like a protective instinct.
I wanted to change this as I share a child with a man who I react to in this way. Our child has seen it and it's not right. He caused me a lot of hurt in our relationship, he now claims he never loved me and his new relationship is his soulmate. It's so hurtful, I wish I could just feel the hurt and accept and work through it, but I can't, all I can do is lash out and hurt him or attempt to. So I started counselling.
My counsellor thinks that the only way to process previous trauma is to relive it and revisit it and think about it. But thinking about it causes me physical pain. I walk around for a few days after therapy feeling even worse than when I went in. I feel sad, depressed, crying all the time. I was always quite happy compartmentalising my trauma. Packing it away in a box and not thinking about it, if it ever popped into my head I would push it away. I just can't deal with the pain. My therapist thinks this is normal.
I'm not sure. Am I being unreasonable to think there must be a way to deal with my trauma, past relationship and pain without feeling all those horrible feelings? If not I honestly don't think I can continue, I would rather continue to suppress it to avoid this.