To think you don't have to relive/revisit trauma to process it?

[doritstew]

I have had quite a bit of trauma in my life. I think I've turned out okay, I am aware it has affected parts of my life. For instant, I am terrified of rejection, I have low self esteem and I have trouble controlling my emotions, as soon as I feel a hint of hurt I will lash out on that person to the point I say the most vile things I can to hurt them straight back, its like an out of body experience. I see myself doing and saying horrible things and can't stop, it's like a protective instinct.

I wanted to change this as I share a child with a man who I react to in this way. Our child has seen it and it's not right. He caused me a lot of hurt in our relationship, he now claims he never loved me and his new relationship is his soulmate. It's so hurtful, I wish I could just feel the hurt and accept and work through it, but I can't, all I can do is lash out and hurt him or attempt to. So I started counselling.

My counsellor thinks that the only way to process previous trauma is to relive it and revisit it and think about it. But thinking about it causes me physical pain. I walk around for a few days after therapy feeling even worse than when I went in. I feel sad, depressed, crying all the time. I was always quite happy compartmentalising my trauma. Packing it away in a box and not thinking about it, if it ever popped into my head I would push it away. I just can't deal with the pain. My therapist thinks this is normal.

I'm not sure. Am I being unreasonable to think there must be a way to deal with my trauma, past relationship and pain without feeling all those horrible feelings? If not I honestly don't think I can continue, I would rather continue to suppress it to avoid this.

The Veteran's Administration in the US has done a lot of research into PTSD and they believe it is very unwise to revisit the trauma, which actually does more harm than good. Counselling to learn how to deal with past trauma is helpful, but re-living it just traumatizes a person further and hinders recovery.

I second what @springrises said, 'The body keeps the score' is an absolutely amazing book and looks at trauma as located in the body, so revisiting it in traditional therapy isn't terribly helpful alone. Bodywork has been crucial for me in processing trauma, particularly yoga (look up trauma informed yoga). I have also had hypnotherapy which can allow you to revisit the trauma in a controlled and disconnected way which means the mind can actually process it rather than just react. Best of luck on your healing journey.

That's what happened to me until I realised that 'the only way out of this is through it' and started doing The Work

Can anybody explain what doing The Work in therapy means though? What do you actually do?

I keep reading references to doing 'the work' in therapy and bewildered. Does it just mean being very honest? Or what?

OP, I'm wondering the same too about whether you have to relive it, I just don't know what's for the best.

As others have said, you don't have to relive the trauma. You might hopefully reach a point where you're able to look back on it from a distance, put it in the context of your now happier life, and perhaps find new perspectives on patts of it, for example if it left you scared that other people are out to harm you.

DBT therapy can help with emotional regulation, using mindfulness and self-compassion as starters. Other therapies suggested by pp here also.

I Have ptsd, the only way I have come close to being able to deal with it is via revisiting it to slowly allow me to process things

it will always be part of me but now I am able to understand and manage things more

@Bananabreadandcupofcoffeethanks, I haven't had formal therapy, but refer to it as The Work because, to me, that's what it was, my life's work. I've spent years doing various systems of meditation, physical work and talking with a fellowship of people with similar experiences and issues. Some of them are therapists, some not, but we come together to help one another heal from what happened to us.

I've thought about formal therapy but a) I can't afford it and b) I wouldn't know how to find a therapist who could deal with the complexity of my trauma, so I've done my own therapy.

Also, coming at the traumatic experiences using a different medium as a sort of protective lens can help. This is what art and play and writing therapies might do.
I second the yoga idea, also.

I love this, it sounds really holistic and appealing.

In my experience, revisiting was entirely necessary.
I had a lot of complicated childhood trauma (2 separate long running sources). I tried putting it in a box, counselling, and CBT. None of them worked. In the end, 12 sessions of psychotherapy for PTSD left me at peace and removed a significant number of triggers.

My experience with therapy is that it all feels a whole lot worse before it feels better. But it will feel better.

Good luck.

There are a lot of people I suspect are unqualified to give an opinion wading in here, so I'd be cautious in reading these replies.

Several of the prevalent trauma therapies include revisiting past trauma in a controlled, and hopefully safe, way - EMDR and trauma-focused CBT certainly do.

But decided whether to engage with this type of therapy is a very personal decision, and not one someone else can make for you. Your councillor should be able to explain their qualifications and what model they use, and give you the information you need to make an informed choice.

It is worth remembering that you can choose not to do that type of therapy now and still do it later if you change your mind.

I think there are a lot of people speaking from their own experience, @Stompythedinosaur I appreciate that it's always a good idea to check the credentials of any therapist, but I see a lot of damaged people here talking about how they've felt in therapy. Which, frankly, is quite difficult to know before you've engaged, no matter how informed you believe your choice to be.

I have had emdr therapy which makes you to revisit it. It did make things worse initially but after several months it started to get better, I can now function better and don't get anywhere near as many flashbacks and intrusive thoughts. EMDR was very intense and very tough. What type of therapy are you having?

I used to think it wasn't necessary and that I didn't need to face something really traumatic that happened to me. I had a good job, my life was steady and on a day to day basis I would get by well, sometimes it would affect my emotions relating to certain things but overall I felt like I was dealing with it ok. It was hidden away in a box deep inside me and I was keeping it there. Then, years ago, I took some magic mushrooms with my partner. During the 'trip', without any prompting and out of nowhere, I had to face up to it as I basically relived the whole experience (except instead of it being the man who did it, it was a demon). It was horrific and absolutely terrifying in the moment but ever since then it has genuinely been like it never happened. That box inside me has disappeared completely and even the memories of it have faded to the point where even while typing this I have to remind myself of what actually happened in the first place, and when I do think of it it's as though it didn't really happen to me. It's hard to describe and I know it may sound crazy to lots of people, but being forced to face up to it and relive it during that experience truly enabled me to move on from it completely so that it no longer has any bearing on me, my life or emotions.

No therapy should be about re-traumatising you. What kind of counsellor are you seeing?

I absolutely think people sharing lived experience is useful and valid.

It was pps saying things like "there is evidence that in PTSD you should not relive your trauma" that I was concerned about, because I think statements like that are not factually accurate, and that approaches with trauma are never a universal fit for everyone.

Ah. I didn't see that one @Stompythedinosaur .
Surely the whole point in PTSD is that you are already reliving your trauma... and would quite like to stop doing so. 🤷‍♀️

Thank you so much everyone. I have just finished work and am ready through responses. Will reply shortly. Thanks so much for taking the time out for your helpful and kind words.

I tried EMDR years ago, did it for a few months but I ended up having a proper panic attack during a session. Like a real, bad panic attack, thought I was going to die. It also made my anxiety worse in between it. Maybe this was my storm before the calm but I didn't stick with it.

You have a gland in your brain that is proven to shrink when you process trauma/ it swells with trauma
basically once you talk about it, the unprocessed Trauma that is sat in this gland shrinks
how bizarre but it does work- you feel bad before you feel better
Google the research is there :) it’s like trauma memory.

Also I’m too much of a wuss, I can’t talk really. I went two sessions and I couldn’t face it. One day I will.

There's no wrong or right answer to your question. If it's the case that to deal with your trauma you need to talk about it, that's fine. If you are sick of talking about it then don't.

I had a CPD forum on this very subject today and it was a heated discussion! The consensus was that the subconscious knows exactly what happened and will decide if it's necessary to explain the situation in order to leave it behind. It's not the choice of the therapist.

I agree completely about the memories fading almost to nothing once processed. They have for me also to the point I had forgotten that I can't really see them any more until I read this. As I mentioned upthread, I processed using psychotherapy (rather than mushrooms), and part of the process was rubbing the scene away or flooding it with light once it had been explored and dealt with. It's utterly bizarre that memories that were so vivid for decades are so distant and lacking in detail now.

Dealing with trauma in therapy needs to be managed carefully. The trauma will need to be revisited but not relived. There is a difference.
Caroline Spring has a fantastic website with some clear information on her 3 phase recovery process.

www.carolynspring.com

Working in the legal area, I can't speak with authority on the medical side of things. However, have been involved closely with victims of serious (crime) trauma I've (subjectively, from my perspective) seen people really benefit from a range of supports, interventions, treatments, call them what you will.

Also, at various conferences, I've seen many presentations show controlled studies for different approaches and methods.

On a personal level, I also highly recommend the "body keeps the score" book mentioned above. It helped explain so much to me, and I believe helped me be better in my work.